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I AM STILL TRYING TO GET A JOB AND ALSO TRYING TO GET THIS DIVORCE DONE,ETC. xah IS COMING OUT OF REHAB SOON AND HIS SISTER HAS LIED TO ME ABOUT SERVING HIM THE DIVORCE PAPERS ETC. SHE IS IN EUROPE SO I HAVE TO WAIT TIL SHE GETS BACK.
tHAT IS NOT WHAT I NEED YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT. mY NEW BOYFRIEND[4MTHS] ARE GETTING ALONG WELL AND ARE SO GOOD WITH EACH OTHER. HE IS THOUGHTFUL,KIND,SUPPORTIVE AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, HAS QUALITIES AND INTERESTS SHARED THAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL MY LIFE.
BUT...... HE IS A HOARDER. THROUGH SOME COMPLICATED LEGAL MATERS WITH DEATHS IN HIS FAMILY ETC, HE IS AND HAS BEEN LIVING IN HIS RAMSHANKLE HOUSE HE GROW UP IN. THE PROPERTY IS WORTH ALOT NOW, BEING IN A FANCY PART OF TOWN. BUT THE HOUSE WAS SEVERELY DAMAGED BY THE EARTHQUAKE ETC. MEANWHILE HE GOT DEPRESSED AND LET THE HOUSE GO AND ALSO HIS CARS. SO I TRY TO GET HIM TO AT LEAST KEEP THE BATHROOM SEMI CLEAN AND WE SPENT A WEEKEND CLEANING HIS REFRIG AND PART OF KITCHEN AND NOW IT IS ALMOST BACK TO SCARY MODE. iM TRYING NOT TO FIX HIM BUT BEING THERE ADMID PILES OF UNOPENED MAIL, DUST BUNNIES TONS OF FOOD AND OTHER ITEMS MAKES ME A LITTLE
UPSET.HE HAS EXPRESSED THAT HE REALLY WANTS AN ORDERLY CLEAN PLACE SO I HAVE TOWED A LINE BETWEEN HELPING AND FIXING HIM. I HAVE TOLD HIM, I DONT WANT TO FIX ANYONES PROBLEMS BUT I KINDA LET IT GO,THESE FIRST 3MTHS. LAST NITE I WAS THERE AND HAD A SORT OF MELTDOWN ABOUT IT. HE SAID I LOVE U BUT IF U FEEL THAT THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR U ILL UNDERSTAND ETC. kEEP IN MIND ALSO, WE HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A HUGE YARD SALE OF 75% OF HIS DVDS,CD,AND OTHER ITEMS IN THE GARAGE. I GET A PERCHENTAGE OF THE MONEY MADE. HE HAS GIVEN ME ALOT OF NICE THINGS AND WE ARE GOING ON A CRUISE IN 2WKS.
yES, I REALLY LOVE HIM. IM VERY SURE OF IT AND WILL NOT BORE ALL OF U WHY ETC BUT, IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO CONTNIUE THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PROBLEM?? I DONT WANT TO MAKE ANOTHER MISTAKE. WE HAVE EVEN DISCUSSED GETTING A HOUSE TOGETHER WHEN HE CN FINALLY UNLOAD HIS
(((Alyce))) - what I know about hoarding is from the show, and from what I've watched it needs professional help - there has to be underlying reasons. I know me well enough that I could not live with it and would have a hard time being around it. I am an admitted pack-rat, but everything is in order - boxed, filed, stored, shelved, collected....
You are the only person who can decide this as it's you, your relationship and your sanity. I'll send you positive thoughts and prayers as you process!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had a hoarder move into my spare room after my husband left, imagine my surprise when this sweet old lady (who turned out to be a man, but that's a story for another day) turned up to my house with boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff and then demanded I move it all into my shed! There was an entire HUGE box labled 'shower caddies"- maybe 50 of them?, another box of "broken powerboards". And old tape players, omg. So many old tape players. The person was an amature electrician so every broken electrical item they'd ever owned (or seen by the side of the road) was boxed up waiting to be restored to its former glory. It was a real eye-opener; it really is an illness.
My ABF has hoarding tendancies; when his father died he took me to the old house to get a few 'precious" items and the main house was filled with junk and the roof was caving in; a second house had been built to live it and there were so many sheds full of broken machinery, wow. When we lived together, he had all of his "stuff" (it was all junk) in storage and he paid over $10,000 in storage fees, and when he finally went through it a few months ago he basically took every bit of it to the tip; none of it was of any importance (and he had accumulated a whole new lot over the last 10 years anyway).
Anyway, the thing is, I have lived with 2 hoarders- one of them quite extreme- and in both cases the "stuff" never really worried me (although there was a lot of other weird/upsetting behaviour that did and I have no idea if the hoarding is connected to that or incidental). I just didn't allow it in MY space. In the shed, in their own rooms, no need for it to bother me as long as it was packed away and out of sight. If you can't stand to be at your BF's place, why not have him come to yours?
You know you can't change or fix him, and that he will be untidy and live with a lot of junk probably forever. I think it just has to come down to, can you work around it, or not? Do you want to share a home with him? I think what matters really is, you put the 'stuff" aside and you put "him" aside for a moment and examine how YOU are with him. Are you healthy around him, does he bring out healthy or unhealthy behaviours in you? I think that's the most prudent question in a relationship, not "is he or she good enough".
Hugs anyway. Wow, haven't you made massive changes in a short time! Go you!!!
(((Alyce)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks missmelis..he brings out wonderful healthy things in me. i am able to practice on overcoming my anxiety in new situations [ ive suffered with panic attacks since i was 16 and although my meds help, it is very important i go out in the world constantly to learn to keep calm] he is challenging me alot and im responding well. i now can go on the metro train, i can drive anywhere with him, i can go alone on 2 buses to find work, etc. he is constantly telling me how smart i am and how proud he is of me, I can talk to him about anything. My womanly feelings i totally lost for 15 years are back and make me feel confident. Alanon figuires alot in my thinkng regarding us. Im still retaining 'me' in the relationship and he respects that.
im in a good place in my head alot of the time. yes, he does spend time at my place also.
I am not sure I could cope with this type of problem. I am so wary still. I accept human flaws, we all have them, always will however, it does suggest he has some kind of thinking disorder or mental health issue, does it not? I am no expert but if he is willing to get some help into this then thats about all you can ask and if all is okay in every other aspect of your relationship then go for it, enjoy it. I wouldnt be buying a house with him unless I was willing to accept his hoarding in the new home. If your okay with this then fine but dont expect it to be different unless he is directing lots of energy towards his own recovery.
In the meantime, focusing on your own recovery one day at a time is the best you can do. big dicisions and declarations dont need to happen right away. Use your program, ask your higher power for awareness and help with acceptance and the action you need to take will be revealed in good time. Hope this helps
Alyce Your relationship sounds lovely. As for the hoarding, I have no experience with this and would not venture to share my opinion. I do believe that if you are able to grow and be healthy in the relationship then I would keep on open mind and enjoy.
Good Luck on the Job search
