The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I have neen reading the posts and it is helping some. I just recently told my alcoholic husband I wanted a divorce. He is a functioning alcoholic but it has started to affect his life more and more. He does not see the problem. Our kids who are older do see it along with others that are concerned. He has already been with another woman. He says she likes him for him and I dont. I love him but I can only be with him sober and he won't quit. The problem is I can not quit thinking of and missing him. Even after all the lies and terrible things that have happened. It hurts really bad. I worry about him all the time. I know I can't go back but any suggestions on how to stop missing and thinking about him.
Hi Debvin and welcome.
I'm sorry for what you're going through and applaud you for having the conviction to leave a situation that was miserable for you.
I found that I couldn't stop loving or wanting to be with my alcoholic partner and when I started attending al-anon I discovered that I didn't have to "stop" my feelings. Instead I learned to work at understanding, accepting and caring for myself and I found that through doing that, my standards for what I would tolerate from loved ones changed and it became easier to "love them from across the street", meaning, I can love them and care about them but if their behaviour hurts me I have a responsibility to myself to remove myself from it and not second guess myself or become mired in regret or 'what if".
Have you been to, or considered a face to face meeting?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I can tell you that Al-Anon does help in the detachment process. What MissMeliss says is true. We often lower our standards because we sometimes feel we don't have choices & we do. Sometimes it means remaining single rather than spending more time with someone we cannot trust. If fidelity is important to you (and it is to most people), you will realize that your feelings of hurt are not worth lowering what is acceptable to you in the long haul. Detach & love them from afar is wonderful advice. I've had to use it on more than one occasion myself.
Debvin Welcome This is a difficult and painful disease that you are/were living with.Alanon face to face meetings will help you to find the peace, courage and wisdom that you need to live your life with dignity. Keep coming back here as well, There is hope
Aloha Debvin and welcome to the board again. Miss Melliss responded with part of the solution that Al-Anon also had for me..."Learn to love myself while I was waiting and wanting an alcoholic/addict to do it... It wasn't going to happen because the alcoholic/addict had given up the commitment and ability and interest in participating herself. She was doing in part what your husband has done...found someone else to participate with. Okay I was done and didn't stay around to watch any more or hope that a miracle would happen and bring her back to me. We were not supposed to be in the first place and I wasn't a miracle worker. There was a time to stop and I found it and stopped. Keep coming back here often you have caring family now. Listen for the suggestion regarding meetings, literature, sponsorship, Higher Powers and more...your life isn't over by a long shot... this is where you get to love you better than anyone else can...you're worth it. ((((hugs))))
Welcome Debvin - glad you found us and glad that you shared.....for me, the best way to grieve the end of a relationship or chapter in life has been to embrace the program with all that I have. I am one who has to be focused on my own self, self-care and self-love or I fall into sadness/depression/self-pity. So, I jumped into Al-Anon, read tons of literature, joined a gym, reconnected with friends who loved me and I had hid from and rejoined my own life - which I had neglected for a long, long while.
We focus on one day at a time only - so start small - do something different, just for you each day until it feels right/good. Then add to it....sprinkle in meetings, program literature, fellowship friends, a sponsor, the steps and before you know it - you will have a new normal. That's kind of how things have happened for me. When I feel lonely or sad today, I had choices I did not have before - I can call someone who understands, I can go for a walk, I can ... - my options are only limited by my own self-will, which I try to stop each morning through prayer & meditation.
So glad you joined us - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
debvin - please circle back and let us know how it goes!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
