The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's hard enough for me to understand, especially because AH was a dry drunk for 20 of the 43 years we were married.
My only child who is 38 and has Down Syndrome, is a very capable and remarkably aware person. She can get her head around "disease" and (as we laughingly call it) "brain cloud". She had almost come to the point of forgiving him for initiating the divorce and understands that even though she lost the family she grew up with, she did not lose the love of her father.
However...he is totally unaware of the emotional hurt he has caused her by announcing that "I don't love Mom anymore. I have a girlfriend". But worse than that for her, are his angry outbursts. In the latest (and unforgivable for my daughter) outburst, he yelled "You will never be independent" at her. She, by the way, lives in her own apartment, and is very independent, though she needs help, as we all do!
Daughter cries every time she remembers his words. They communicate via text message and for once, he is respecting her boundaries and is not bursting into her apartment uninvited. She has asked him for an apology, and he texts back "But you...." and puts the blame on her. He did, at one point, text that he was sorry for his "behavior", but she has not been able to accept the apology or to forgive him.
I don't know if Alanon would help her, as she tends to be very literal and has difficulty generalizing.
As you know Rosemeyer, we are powerless over others and although we would like to spare them the pain of this disease it is not possible. I would validate her accomplishments continually and any time she reflects on his negative comments i would validate her and simply state that we can not give attention to the opinions of anyone who is suffering from"Brain Fog" . I would then suggest that she prepare a gratitude and asset list daily so she too can appreciate her own accomplishments.
You do sound like an amazing, loving mum and blessed to have a beautiful daughter that you're obviously proud of!
One thing I've come to understand is that i can't have my daughter's relationship with her father (or anyone else) for her. And I also can't be the best mother I can be if I am occupied with trying to make up for the shortcomings of her father.
Would she go to an al-anon meeting with you? Just a thought, i don't know if it would be helpful or not.
I do think that beyond reminding her that his words are a reflection of what is inside him, not what is inside her, the best you can do is continue to enjoy your relationship with her and model for her how it is to be happy and positive in spite of someone else's hurtful behaviour.
Hugs!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Does she attend open Al-Anon Meetings with you? Our program has no restraints which would stop her from attending and listening. It would be so supportive for her to listen to the fellowship and gain the awareness of how inviting and supportive Al-Anon is. Let us know. ((((Hugs))))
