The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for April 23 speaks about being "shut down" and not feeling. The reading points out that as the result of living with this disease many of us have reached the point where we could experience life without being moved by it . This is a destructive tool that we developed as a result of living with alcoholism and it is like being dead.
Entering Al-Anon we discover that we do have feelings and have simply lost touch with them because we are use to denying every hint of anger, joy or sorrow. As we begin to recover, we begin to feel and this often very confusing. We sometimes think we are getting sicker because the feelings are uncomfortable. With Al-Anon members to assure us that this is just part of the process. In the past we have kept our feelings trapped inside as if they are painful and poisonous secrets. When I let them out, they become expressions of my vitality.
The quote is from Kahlil Gibran ; "I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes; nor would I be content with converting my tears into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be tears and laughter."
Today, thanks to alanon and the courage,serenity and wisdom I have found here I can agree Kahill Gibran about the tears and laughter. Have a great Saturday .
Thanks Betty
I can certainly relate to this; I switched my feelings well and truly off over the years because the anger and sadness were overwhelming and they are just starting to become a comfortable part of me again. I think during those years the feelings only came out in short bursts of anger which I would then feel guilty about. It wasn't a very good way to be!!!
Self acceptance is a marvelous thing. As is knowing that I can feel things without them taking control of me.
Happiness is a pleasant side effect, too
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Great daily - thank you Betty for your service and your ESH. I had absolutely no idea how I truly felt before I arrived her as my mind, heart and soul were focused completely outside of me. I had not spent any amount of time thinking, feeling, healing or dealing - I spent all my time trying to solve life problems well beyond my scope.
I do remember when my sponsor asks me how I felt about the first meeting I attended. I told her with great detail what it was like, what the topic was and that I did not share. She asked again how I felt about it, and I said, "I Don't Know." That was the honest truth - I had not been brought up to 'feel' feelings' but instead to focus and manage with facts. The program with that style is my thinking was distorted, which in turn distorted facts. So, we spent quite a bit of time discussing feelings and I do believe ... in looking back that I was numb often as a defense mechanism.
I now believe that I must do spot checks to see what I feel and if possible why. When I truly embraced the program, my answer was often sadness. Sadness for the diseased whom I love and sadness for me that there is often a lack of normalcy in my life. I rarely feel this any longer as I've been able to give them to HP and I've worked to change my perception of what is normal.
Where there is a willingness for me to be honest with what I feel, what my part is and what motives I may have, I can usually find a way to it and through it with this program. I agree with MissMel - one great side effect is happiness!!
I am off to my F2F meeting in a few - have a marvelous Saturday MIP family!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In my family of origin, I was taught that it was not appropriate to demonstrate any 'extreme' emotion. When I was sad or started to cry if I got in trouble, it was 'I'll give you something to cry about" or 'if you're going to do that, go to your room'. On Christmas, if I was excited about a particular gift, I smiled and politely said thank you, even if on the inside I was bursting at the seams with joy. When I got out on my own, or when I was outside the home in general, I was generally more free to be 'me'. However, by the time I got to Al-Anon, I was definitely dead inside, trying to deal with resentment and anger and disappointment - and shame as well. When I came upon a room filled with laughing, smiling people seemingly filled with joy, I did not know what to think - other than- THIS is what I want!
I know that I have continued to bury any negative feelings during different periods in my life. I did it in my recent relationship. I avoided dealing with conflict, anger, disappointment, shame. Because to acknowledge that I felt those things in a supposedly 'great relationship' would mean I would have to admit there was a problem. IF and when I ever expressed disappointment or concern about something, he promptly tried to shut me down, telling me I was wrong to feel that way, and at one point he even said 'this is getting annoying'. This reaction in him reminded me very much of my early family life, and my ex AH, who dismissed my negative feelings constantly as 'silly' or unfounded. There were times of laughter and fun in my relationship, but as signs of addiction started to appear to me, the negative emotions outweighed the positive. I buried these feelings and avoided the pain of facing them to the point that I believe I likely 'caused' my own little heart attack. Because following that event, all of these feelings just poured out of me and I had no choice but to deal with them and face the truth about this relationship. I could l no longer go for a run, or hit the gym, to avoid looking and what was in front of me. And in my extreme discomfort, I turned to Al-Anon once again looking for those 'laughing smiling faces'.
With the help of this program, I am able to sit with the uncomfortable feelings, as they do pass. Moment to moment I can go from feeling sad, lonely and depressed, to feeling hopeful, laughing with girlfriends and enjoying simple things. I'm accepting the ride as it comes, no longer afraid or embarrassed about my low points. My life feels so much more authentic when I embrace the good and the bad, without judgment.
Hugs
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I must also add that alanon taught me that "Feelings were simply feelings and not facts" That I could and should" feel them," process them and talk about them in orderto be whole. Stuffing them, denying them, was as destructive as "reacting to" them. So that taking the time to reflect on what i was feleing and then to respond in a healthy fashion takes time and discipline--I am still a work in progress.
(((((Betty)))))....so how in the world would I ever have come to the realization that "Feelings" was much more than a nice song if it wasn't for the women of Al-Anon who found me a great project to work on, in, with when I first arrived at the doors. The women of Al-Anon actually remade me and gave my mother the son she always wanted and never could get because she lived in reaction to the disease. She wasn't an Al-Anon woman and I am sure that like myself from the first she would reject the program as I did...it wasn't the way we lived just the way we wished we lived. I could not fanthom how the sages thought and spoke it was foreign and not now. I have others who can give it to me in much more understandable language and I'm glad and grateful.
Great reading Betty. I absolutely loved when I moved through the feeling of shame. I released it and I could hear music, see beauty again and started to trust myself. Even the tough feelings are worth processing. (((Hugs)))
