I remember when I was married - all the time my thoughts were consumed with how much he drank (i literally put hash tags on a piece of paper hanging on the fridge for every beer he opened!), or I would ponder about when he would drink, or what 'kind' of drunk he would be etc. Then when he 'tried' to quit - I remember basically holding my breath for two weeks and just as I was starting to relax, i found empty vodka bottles. He had been drinking all along! How mad was I - all that energy I wasted worrying, but hopeful...

There is a reading in Courage To Change (pg 169) "My best hope is every bit as likely to occur as my worst fear: so I have no reason to give more weight to my negative assumptions."

Or, as someone shared with me here recently - the alcoholic is either going to drink, or not drink. What are YOU going to do?

Hugs <3

There are of course no hard and fast numbers.  I can only speak from personal experience on this.  If your guy was just an "overenthusiastic drinker," he may never drink again and so of course that is a great outcome.  If he is an alcoholic, that is, someone whose drinking is compulsive and needs a program to help him with his recovery, then three weeks is early days.  For an alcoholic, I personally would want a year of sobriety before I started to feel cautiously optimistic, and two years before I made any decisions that would be difficult to get out of.  That said, alcoholism is a lifelong condition, and sober alcoholics have a greater chance of returning to their former drinking condition than the non-alcoholic population.  With an alcoholic, there will always be a certain danger of that happening.  But longterm recovery is obviously a more promising situation than the unknowability of early recovery.

The question, of course, is how to tell an "overenthusiastic drinker" from an alcoholic.  I'm afraid the only way is time.  How long before you can tell?  I would not want to draw any conclusions before a year is out, maybe two.  I know that may seem like a long time.  But the stakes are high for your happiness.  My ex-AH could go nine months between binges.  Each time he would say, "I'm not drinking any more!  I'll never drink again!  So why are you so worried?  It's never been a problem for me, see how easily I gave it up!"  Then after many months of sobriety, suddenly it would be the smell on his breath, the drunk driving, the weird behavior, the putting himself and others in danger.  Repeat the cycle.  Later on it became the DUIs, the passing out, the stealing, the bottles hidden everywhere.  That is, in retrospect I can see that each time was a tiny bit worse than the last.  But each time he himself was convinced that he would never drink again.  I'm sorry to report that he is still going through this cycle. 

That said, it means nothing about the prospects for your guy.  There is a saying, "More will be revealed."  I've found that that's true.  Take good care of yourself.

No jewelry. I took my wedding rings for an appraisal so I could list them on ebay and got mugged on my way home. That money could have gotten me back to Missouri.
When I was able to get back home, I came with nothing but a suitcase of clothes. Everything I have, I have bought myself or was given by family.
I think I'm going to take a title loan out on my car. I'm barely short, so I can keep most of the money to make payments on the title loan just in case I don't get back to work right away. And I'll get a school refund in June or July that I can use to pay the whole thing off.
Boyfriend wanted to give me the difference but I don't like the idea of depending on anyone. Not anymore. It's a rough road. I don't want anyone to have that kind of control over me or have the ability to let me down. He has never acted controlling at all - he thought it was odd when I always let him know where I was in the early months, before I got used to not being accused of cheating every other day. But I still don't want to give up any of the power I have over my own life.
To be honest, I'm not sure I could be unhappy with him. He really is incredible. He actually pays attention to my feelings. He can always tell when something is bothering me. And sometimes I have nightmares and talk in my sleep. He wakes me up and holds me until I calm down. He has never said a mean word to me. Not in the entire 11 years that I've known him. He's still the same guy I knew when he was 19 years old. He bends over backwards to make me happy even though I'm happy just having him around.
He doesn't even change when he drinks. He's more likely to do something stupid, but he's still sweet and funny and cuddly. He's kind of like my teddy bear. And, I usually sleep better when he's with me. So that's nice. I still have nightmares sometimes, but at least I can get to sleep instead of tossing and turning for hours.
I've been really trying to figure out how his drinking could be a problem for me, other than ruining his health and taking him away from me sooner. As long as I never give him the car keys, I can't come up with anything. I'm honestly head over heels. We've been dating for a little over a year but I was half in love with him for a few years before we started dating. The abusive ex tried to force me to send him some really nasty messages because he was threatened by our friendship - even though I was in California and he was in Missouri. I took a few extra beatings because I refused. Which only caused him to be more threatened.

Hi WL,  I just wanted to share my experience on what harm is there in someone's drinking, "other than ruining his health and taking him away from me sooner."  My late AH reasoned that he wasn't an alcoholic or that his drinking shouldn't be a problem for me because he didn't abuse me.  And that was true ... he was a wonderful, intelligent, kind person who also drank way too much and rejected his doctors' advice to stop drinking.  Like you, I also had a past abusive relationship so I was especially grateful for having this good man in my life.  However, as time went on I had to witness the misery of his declining health while knowing that his behavior had contributed to it.  The physical effects that he went through, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  It was hurting him, and that was hurting me.  It was hell to go through, both for him and for me.

I know that I didn't cause, couldn't control, and couldn't cure it.  But I guess my only wish was that I'd recognized sooner what was going on with the drinking and had gotten into Al-Anon sooner.  I think it would have made the journey less painful as I would have had more tools at my disposal.  Even just reading the literature would have helped me.

On the question of trust, I do have to say that I could have trusted my AH's intentions to stop drinking at those times when he tried to stop, because I believe he was sincere, but the disease was stronger than his intentions.    One time he stopped for a year, another time for three months.  But he did not get involved with a program of recovery until the last couple months of his life ... which was a blessing but too late to change the course of what was happening to him.  

I don't mean this story to be depressing  ... it just made me reflect on how I could have turned the focus on how to trust myself to do the next right thing, with the help of my HPs  (my HP is plural ... all the people around me, including AlAnon, who were available to help if I only reached out). 

Mattie raises good food for thought. When I discovered my ex BF's past DUI where he blew over twice the legal limit. When I asked him about it... here are his justifications:

"It was 12 years ago, everyone makes mistakes" (not a good answer if he had killed or hurt someone)
"It was after a wedding reception and could just as easily have been my wife driving and getting caught too"
"It could happen to anyone, including YOU" (I do not drink 8-10 drinks and then drive. I do not drink 8-10 drinks in one evening period)

This kind of thinking and rationalizing is very indicative of the disease. For me, this rationale on his part was just another indicator that he is in denial.

It's not for me to judge and condemn. But it is MY job to discern if this type of thinking lines up with my own value system or am I comfortable with his 'explanations' enough to be able to detach and focus on other 'good' aspects of the relationship?

The answer for me is no, and no. He continues to drink and drive now, 12 years later. And as Mattie states, he didn't learn the lesson the first time.

I know that *I* function better in my own disease when I stay close to my program. A's need a program too - of some sort. Without that, the risk of relapse is very real.