The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I am not living with my dry AH who has no recovery. We are living in different places . At my insistence, we do not communicate except email. If there is no drama in his life he will make it so no phone calls is better for me. Since I left he has (MDD) major depression, sees professionals and is consumed with everything that has gone wrong in his life. If you looked at his life you would say that he worked hard (retired too early) but he had a great life. He has so much to be thankful for but he can not see it. Our children and grandchildren are happy and healthy.
I am the child of an alcoholic, so I have always had the "fix it" role. Trust me I can't fix this. What really made me leave was realization that there were 3 of us in my marriage. The other women was someone that he worked with and had known a long time. Of course he has denied it. I have learned that infidelity often goes along with alcoholism. Before I moved out he was so arrogant about it telling me to prove it...until I left. Now he is claiming mental illness and not infidelity... I am convinced that that there was someone when I left and she may still be hanging around.... so be it. Funniest part will be when the OW realizes what she really has on her hands, lol...
My sponsor keeps saying to me to "let go and let God." Let God deal with him, since I can't. I feel like I have my head in the sand while I am letting go and letting God.
For me, having my head in the sand was where I was really in denial and I was disregarding bad behavior. Letting go and letting God, to me, was more like just a process where I mentally had to put my XAH in God's hands. I had to use the steps as an actual process to letting go. It wasn't an overnight thing and yes, at times, I felt like I was in limbo. I sat and waited for peace to come for me to make a final decision and I waited and waited....but I wouldn't say that I had my head in the sand because I was actively working my own recovery. I just always wished my answers would come faster. Coming out of denial was the first step, coming into acceptance came shortly after, and all the while I was working on forgiveness and my character defects, etc and then came that still small voice inside that finally told me it was OK to leave, it was OK to move on to something better, and that I would be OK in the process. I eventually found perfect peace, but it took time.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you Andromeda, that makes a lot of sense to me. I have ignored a lot of bad behavior throughout my many years with him because I did not want to upset the whole family. It was never a good time to deal with any of his bad behavior. I did it for the sake of our kids while they were growing up. But guess what, kids saw a lot of it even though I tried to hide it from them. Today I don't have those worries.
I am working my program with my sponsor and I am on Step four which is a good place for me right now. Waiting on results has never been my strong point but this is what this program is about. My way never worked in the past.
I have got to relax, put him in God's hands and let this play out until I am sure what I need to do... thanks again :)
That word - relax - was not ever a part of my vocabulary, let alone my being before this program. I actually had to repeat many times for many days what Andromeda explained - putting my qualifier in the hands of God and then work on me. I too wish answers came earlier - as patience is another virtue that doesn't come naturally for me.
Working the program and letting go were new concepts for me and I had to practice. I've always been a fixer and always been a solution kind of person, so when I started this program and actually accepted that this disease is way larger than me, it was new, uncomfortable and hard to just let go. My sponsor would remind me over and over again that if I did not let go, I was doing a disservice to my qualifier(s) as they would not 'have' the consequences of their actions.
(((Hugs))) to you - I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in finding difficult moments with what the program suggests. It does get easier with practice and time....so there is hope!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am here,
Patience is something I struggle with in all parts of my life. But working this program has helped but not cured me. Like a lot of us I thought that I would go to Al-anon for a while and then I could learn everything and graduate. However, I see now that this is an ongoing process and graduation is not part of the program. I am very grateful that I do not have to live with him now. I do not have to have daily contact. So I am progressing but just slowly. I have been in this sick dance for a long time. Changing the dance to no dance is taking more time than I originally anticipated, lol
Hope to recover is what I need and what the program offers...
