The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In doing some Step 4 inventory work, I have been working on getting more clear on my value system. My exBF and I had differing interests - I am an 'athlete', a runner, I workout, I'm a personal trainer. He likes sports, he plays golf, he likes to do things around his house. I believe our relationship did not die because we did not share the same interests. It died because we don't share some very core VALUES.
So I ask myself - what ARE my core values? It helps me to list these on paper so that going forward, I know exactly what my individual value system is and I can keep my boundaries in place with respect to them. I need to be clear on my own core values so that I can live authentically and I can be happy, and feel good about me. My values are based on my own firmly held beliefs about what makes me a person of value and what I see as valuable in others. I am learning that in relationships, I need to treat myself with self-love, self-care, self-trust and self-respect. When these things are present, it means I am living and loving with my boundaries and values INTACT. This means I can be an authentic person in an authentic relationship, and most importantly, I can recognize when someone is NOT on my wavelengh.
I am learning that if I get clear on my value system and respect myself, I really AM in charge of my reality. I am not a victim to my exBF's pot usage and other substance uses. At the end of the day, I was not firm on my own value system and I was not being authentic to myself. I did not have all the 'self-respect' etc. that I just listed out, and it took me too long to really recognize that he was truly NOT on my wavelength.
I am working to define my core value system around the areas of health, (physical, emotional and spiritual practices), family values, good self care and self respect, work ethic etc.
I would love to hear input from others about your own value system and the boundaries you have in place to protect them and stay true to yourself.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
After working the Steps, It was clear that when I wanted to place principles above personalities, as the program suggests, I needed to be crystal clear as to my principles.
I saw that I had many principals that I held others accountable to and measured them by my standards , however I saw that never held myself to them and justified my failures .
These included treating everyone with courtesy and respect, no gossiping, judging or critiquing of another. I needed to be humble and honest and say what I mean, mean what I say without being mean. Being responsible and keeping commitments, practicing program ODAT.
If I am human and slip up, I have a 10th step to help me recover as well as a sponsor and meetings to keep me honest .
Today's reading in the C2C talks about "unity in diversity " I like this idea and try to use this principle often --allowing others their opinions without needing to change them or convince them I am right.
I am currently in a long term relationship with somone who holds completely opposite political opinions than I and thanks to this concept we are able to interact in a healthy respectful fashion. Love this program
Cyndi - great topic.....I would venture to suggest that which I valued as a result of FOO (family of origin) vs. that which I value today is very, very different. I had this great list of values that I looked for in others, and discovered during my own recovery that I often referred to that list to judge others or dismiss them instead of valuing them for who they are and what they bring into my life.
I am the adult who struggled to pick a degree in college. I am the adult who never had a devoted passion to a specific job/career path. I am the person who often doesn't know what I want/need but know what doesn't work. So, I actually put away all 'value lists' and instead focused on gratitude lists as well as asset lists. These keep me more grounded in the present as value lists kept me focused on the past and the future.
What is most important to me in all my relationships is Integrity - doing what you say you will. Beyond that, I'm working to be open to all who cross my path as I believe they are not there by accident and I have a lesson to learn.
Good luck with your efforts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Love this topic, and I also felt great when I realised that I wanted to be an authentic me - that living a life true to my principles was likely to sprinkled with happiness and discovery. When I make mistakes whilst doing what feels right to me I don't beat myself up in the same way that I do when I'm trying to live by the rules of others. It is my mistake and I own it, I don't feel as though I've 'sold myself short' in the same way as I have done when I've been trying to keep the peace at my own expense.
My core values do shift or adjust from time to time, sometimes because someone has a different view of the world and they teach me something that I would like to adopt, or sometimes because I realise that I what seemed so right for me then doesn't really apply now. And, joy of joy, I'm allowed to be fluid!
I think in terms of relationships and friendships I celebrate differences, sometimes they make me laugh and I see other ways of being that work as well. They might not be for me, but it makes me smile to see that there is a world of infinite choices out there!
I listen to my body - if something doesn't feel right for me I will normally notice some tension in my stomach or shoulder.
-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 21st of April 2016 12:07:20 PM
So interesting to see this topic, thank you so much Cyndi. I was reading something the other day that made me stop and define my own core values. I have never done that before. I too see that my values are different than my husbands. I don't think that is a problem that can't be dealt with for us, but it sure makes how we view any given situation different. I found mine to be full of words like calmness (I accidentally listed that one twice, so it was HIGH on the list!!), thankfulness, contentment, creativity. I now am curious to see what his would look like. Thanks for sharing something that I was just pondering a week or so ago...
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
