The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all,
So AH was doing good and now he has relapsed. I knew it was coming. He had a few drinks with friends multiple nights in a row. A glass of wine with dinner. And then a blow up. He is currently pouting because he got mad at me and said i dont believe him that he wasnt drunk. He now admits he was drunk but doesnt want to apologize. I am accepting hes not apologizing and leaving him be. But it still bothers me and i can see me slipping a little when it comes to work. Ive recently gone back to school and its affecting me there to. So how do you manage to detach and try to maintain focused and on track? How do you keep from exhausting yourself?
Its a really good question. I was only able to truly detach with love when I threw myself into learning the Alanon philosophy. I learned that by detaching with love I could focus on me only. I stopped being judge and jury and it surprisingly freed up a lot my mind space and I began concentrating on me and what I was doing and thinking. Its an alien concept, we are conditioned to be heavily involved in our loved ones life and choices but actually we are individuals first and formost and our main duty is to look after and care and love ourselves. Only then can we be of help to others. I learned in Alanon what 'helping' actually meant and its pretty simple really, although difficult in the beginning. We dont judge or scold, its their own business whether they drink or dont. When we do interfere we actually give them a reason or excuse to continue. We stop tidying any mess they make. Its wrong to steal anothers consequence from them. Its actually the pressure from these consequences that may be the crisis they need to begin their own journey of recovery.
Whether your husband admits drinking or not doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things, let it go, its his business. Your business is your own recovery, while you are watching him you are as drunk as he is. Concentrate on your own relapse. Alcoholism is too much for us to deal with alone. Meetings are where I get my help.
(((Gardening))) - hugs for you and I agree - it's a great question.....everything El-Cee says is spot on. For me and my recovery, it was so easy to consider the 'old way' first - it was habitual and imprinted in my brain. I had to learn first and foremost to shut my mouth and turn off my crazy projecting mind when there was active disease around me. In reality, most discussions that happened in our home during active disease were pointless, non-productive and just chaotic drama-filled exchanges. Nothing good ever came from even one of those.
When we talk about the disease being cunning, baffling and powerful, this is a great example. I am sure that the disease told him that he could have one/two and it would be OK. Then, since it worked once, he could do it again. And so - it goes and repeats....until there is a huge relapse and the drinker is baffled as they thought they had it under control. For me, I now can see the signs. I use the serenity prayer often to help me realize I can only work on and change me. I turn them and the disease over to my HP as many times as necessary to keep me grounded in the present. I most certainly do all that I can to use QTIP & JADE when the disease is active.
Quit Taking It Personally
(Don't) Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain
You are not alone - keep the focus on you and keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me it was upping the amount of meetings I went to as I was able to express my frustrations and fears in the meeting room. I am so sorry about his relapse. Sending you many positive thoughts.
Glad you asked this question. I've been struggling with the same...how to stay on track with my own life. I keep messing up, especially being sucked into lots of JADEing... I go into a conversation with intentions to hold boundaries, but boy do I get sucked in! My AH and I are living in separate homes right now. Last weekend, he behaved badly - two separate nights of nasty texts, finger pointing, selective recall, etc. I guess he felt guilty (?) because on Tuesday he called my parents. He even told them he wanted to talk to them before I did - so he could JADE his bad behavior. My poor parents were on the phone with him for 2 hours, listening to him go in circles. They could see clearly how he does not get "it" (reality) -- he is so bogged down by resentments, and no amount of talking with him will help him to see or retain clarity, unfortunately. Anyhow, I spent at least an hour on the phone talking with my parents after they finished talking with him... the 3 of us talking about how futile this situation is right now. THEN, he called me... and somehow I got sucked in for an hour. I kept trying to end the conversation, but obviously was not strong enough. An hour later, I hung up, realized dinner was going to be so late (and kind of messed it up), and had missed being present for my children during that time, as their father and I wasted another hour going in circles. ARGHHHHH!!!!!! Then, I slept terribly, woke up with dread, and the next day was preoccupied and nonconstructive. Why am I so slow to learn??!! Why is it so clear in retrospect? The amount of time and energy the 4 of us (AH, my parents and I) wasted - conversations with someone who is not thinking right are useless!!! I think it's the first time I have really got the truth that I guess I am somewhat addicted to the drama and emotion... so it's easy to get sidelined rather than just continue on with what is best for me.
This is really different from your situation, but I'm just sharing because I am experiencing that same puzzle of how to stay on track. At least we don't share a home right now, so he's not always around. I appreciate the suggestions from people who have learned how to continue on. Hang in there!!
Thank you everyone for the advice. I am working towards detaching myself from these situations. Its getting better I just have a long ways to go. I love the support here. I cant thank you guys enough for being here!
Keep coming back Gardening - this is my home away from home for all the ESH we share here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
actually we are individuals first and formost and our main duty is to look after and care and love ourselves. Only then can we be of help to others.
This statement has been taught to me since I was young, but then mother would turn around and tell me, that I am causing my fathers heart attack, that I'm causing my father's stress. I have since turned around and told mother (who now has a bad heart) that she chooses to react to whatever the way she does. It is not your fault, nor can you do anything other than be there to the point that it doesn't cause you too much pain. I do apologize if I offend anyone, I have came a long way since I allowed an alcoholic around myself or my children.
