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I have to admit this has been a worry to me for a month now. He has been bringing up this topic, yes for a month now and the day is coming near, tomorrow! He has been bringing up the topic that he will be going out for a drink with his friends to celebrate his birthday. He is being nice like a kid waiting for his reward. I have already told him that it is his decision not mine and that he need not ask for my permission. I have told him that I still feel the same about his drinking habit, I have changed my approach, which admittedly he noticed the changes. Not that he liked the changes but I think he's uncomfortable with it. Since coming to Al-anon I tried to avoid, not to discuss, argue, talk about his drinking. I also noticed some changes in him, he seldom go out for a drink, for reasons only he knows & I don't ask but honestly I'm at peace lately. But he's been very persistent about his birthday celebration. I told him that it's really up to him but I reminded him that it is also up to me as to how I would deal with his drinking should I really reach the end of my rope. It might sound like a threat or manipulation to him but truly it's not. I have set that for myself because I don't want to go thru the roller coaster ride again. I know that when he starts drinking there will be more to come and the frequency will increase as was before. Just looking back at how I was before Al-anon makes me sick already, I really really don't want to go thru that anymore. I am trying so hard to relax, let go and let God, but again I have to be honest I am so jittery inside, help!
Sounds like you know your boundaries and you have realistic expectations. It always helped me to have a Plan B for when the drinking got bad. I guess it's good to have a Plan B for the day of the drinking, and for the relationship as a whole. That said, it's nerve-wracking waiting for something bad to happen which you suspect is going to happen, but you don't know exactly how. That's fair because it's a nerve-wracking situation. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone where there's that kind of stress? If it's worth it, then you've made a choice for now. If it's not worth it, you can decide how to move on. Remember that you're not trapped - you have the power to get out if it's too stressful, and the power to stay if the rewards are more than the disadvantages.
He tried to embrace me this morning but I shoved his arms away. Of course he was offended and tried to do some drama saying all is gone etc. etc. He asked me why, what's wrong? I said I think you already know why? Again the denial, then mumbled about me trying to bring up the past. So I said I am not, the past has nothing to do with it, perhaps it could be because of what is going to happen. Then he brought up the issue of him having no work, again I said it is not your fault that you lost your job, the company is bankrupt. Finally after going around the bush he himself said so it is again the "alcoholic" issue. Said something about my not giving in on account of his birthday. So I said it has nothing to do with his birthday. Perhaps I was really waiting for him to say the word himself because he keeps on denying that he doesn't know the reason for my coldness. I don't want to entertain his sweetness because I know it's some sort of manipulation, to turn the guilt on me, so he would be guiltless when he drinks. I don't want to point it out to him because I really don't want to go his side of the street. I am on my side of the street and I am keeping hold of myself. I am sticking to my boundaries. All the coldness is part of the sadness, I am struggling in the situation where I am right now. Tonight he's going out to drink with his friends, an advance celebration of his birthday. As I notice our conversation will again lead nowhere and it's beginning to heat up, I said I am no longer going to argue nor say a word because it's useless, and then I left the room. I have already made plans for the day, I am going out with my nieces, my mother and our two dogs (our children because we're not blessed with). So my AH will be by himself in the house today. We're gonna leave early and return home after dinner. I am trying to avoid anymore talks with him, I want to avoid him during this drinking days. I am keeping my options open for the worst to come. God help me. I've been praying to God to please take control of the situation, to please LEAD ME AND GUIDE ME.
As I write this, he keeps coming in and out of this room, trying to point out on what I think anything that will make him sound so correct. Anyway, I'm taking a deep breath... I have to live and let live, let go and Please God let it be Your Will!
Thank you for your share, I am learning a lot just reading everyone's stories
Your plans to be with your family and your dogs sound lovely - I hope you can enjoy yourself and have some peace
Your share resonated with me a lot
I have struggled with expressing my feelings for so long I was really thinking that my sadness and coldness towards AH was wrong or harmful to him and therefore couldn't or shouldn't be. Of course I also had been manipulative at times and used those actions to get what i wanted, but it wasn't sincere. It makes me cringe now to think I was so wrapped up in keeping other people happy or getting them to do X, Y and Z that I could not even for a moment express my true feelings. I am working on finding myself and being cold or sad when I feel that way and not as a punishment or manipulation but as a normal response to negative behaviors and the growing lack of trust in our relationship. I am finding balance between being emotionally numb, and exploding. AH is getting used to the new way I respond and is still confused or upset by me sometimes, but I also see glimmers of hope when he seems to "get it" - It is still hard for me to feel my feelings but I don't hide them as much anymore since coming to alanon
I felt that when my A was planning to go on a bender, he would attempt to start fights or cause issues between us first, and I started to think he was, on some level, making sure that if his drinking got out of control he would have me already signed up as the scapegoat.
Not that guessing his motives helped me find any peace but, identifying scenarios in our relationship were I was involved in "setting myself up" did. There was no "right" way to handle it I found, other than to take myself off and do life away from him when i felt those situations building. Not allowing myself to be used as someone else's scapegoat is a big boundary for me now!
Glad you have plans for the day. I hope they are enjoyable!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
((((Jocel)))) remember to let us surround you during this time...you are not alone in the least and we stand with your Higher Power for your peace of mind and serenity. I'm sure you know that the disease will search for whatever reasonable justification of a drink and what more natural one than a birthday celebration and he is begging it. I feel compassionate for him because I am also a recovering alcoholic and have been shown by that fellowship how absolutely cunning, powerful and baffling the disease is. I had to arrive at the thought force that there isn't and never was a reasonable justification to drink a mind and mood altering chemical again. It's maddening. Go celebrate his birthday the way you want to and keep turning him over. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you very much ((((everyone)))). It feels good to have found this family. My husband came home really early, around 12 mn, boy that was really early! I was still awake by that time as I was about 2 hours home earlier than him. He keeps on remarking so proudly that he was home "normal". I didn't react, because I'm not sure if I should and at the back of my mind I was thinking that this could be another tactic. I entertained all other talks/topics but I kept silent on anything about his night out with his friends. Luckily there was no shouting even if he recognizes that I'm showing no interest in his drinking affair. Although I had difficulty in sleeping because he's snoring louder than usual, I guess a sign that "Booze" is in the house (LOL), at least I was so thankful to God that things went not as bad as I feared. This morning I started the day as usual (by that I meant the coming to Al-anon usual, not the before Al-anon usual), didn't show any signs of changes just because he went home "normal". Whatever is happening to him, I trust that God is taking care of him, that's between the two of them. Progress not perfection... continue letting go and letting God... truly believing there's a Miracle In Progress... God is holding that future for me. Thank you to all of you for being always here especially during difficult time, I love you all, Big Hug!
What a concept..."TRUST GOD"!!....that is first step thru third step ideas and language....The next concept is "Clean House"...our own; clean up our side of the street and then finally we reach "Help Others" which is where we witness more miracles than most normal people have in a life time. Welcome to the Miracles in Progress. (((hugs)))
Thanks Jerry! I've been trying to do the steps, I know I get stucked somewhere sometimes but I'll just keep on waltzing. Your encouragement and words helps a lot... I thank God!
((((Hugs back to you))))
