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The other night my son started ranting at me because I refuse to help him get out of the huge mess he knowingly and consciously chose to put himself in knowing the what the full consequences would be should he be caught which he was. He tried all the guilt trips, asked me why I ever became a mother ( yeah because I won't help him out of his mess I'm an awful mom in his mind), and on and on it went to the point that he took my car keys while I was in the bathroom and said "I just hid you car keys so have fun driving anywhere, looks like you won't be going to work any time soon!" During much of this nonsense I admit I blew my lid a few times but by the time we got to the car keys part I said nothing. I thought to myself I'm not playing this game anymore! After awhile he looked shocked by my silence and said " so... You don't care if you're not going to be able to go to work!?" I calmly said " I have spare keys, so I'll be going anywhere I need to go." He looked shocked again then said " well good luck getting back into the house with no house keys, they're on the key ring your car keys are on you know, maybe forgot that eh Mom?!" I calmly responded with " need not worry, I have extra house keys too." He sat there looking angry for awhile then took the car keys he'd hid out of their hiding place and threw them onto an Al-anon book that was on the coffee table then slammed into his bedroom in a huff! The fact he threw them at that book spoke volumes to me.
Then a neighbour started talking to me out of nowhere yesterday about my son's behaviour ( she knew about his mess ). Normally she is kind, but I don't go into grand detail with her about my son situation. Yesterday she said " so what are you going to do? Have you got him help?" To which I told her no, I was doing tough love and letting him pay his own consequences. She then asked if I talk to anyone about his attitude for my own sake to which I said I speak to my closest friends who are supportive and I go to Al-Anon meetings. As soon as I said "Al-Anon" her eyes widened, she looked disgusted and snapped " I went there years ago with my sibling about my Dad and neither her or I liked it'. We went a few times and couldn't see how any of their stuff was going to help! I think you should look into something else!" I thought wow, this lady seems so threatened! I only responded with " well it's not for everyone I guess but it is for me." to which she said " oh, well I've got to go, I've got stuff to do in the house." Then later in the day someone who used to live near us magically just happened to be driving by even though she now lives nowhere near here and she decided to stop in! Mind you haven't seen her or talked to her in over a year and was never close to her at any time. She proceeded to tell me that she thinks I'm "wrong" and that the way I'm handling this with my son is "not right!" and "call it tough love all you want but it ain't right!" (Yeah word travels fast about sonny's activities!) I calmly informed her that because I don't judge her parenting style and that I could, that I expect her to not judge mine. And considering I've never butt into her personal business I expect her to grant me the same respect . Needless to say that ended that!
I have thought since WHY are these people so threatened by this program?' It's not like I'm telling them they have to attend it! I don't even talk program steps or slogans etc with any of them and yet they have their feathers all in a ruffle about it! Anyone else had similar experiences?
Ah... well 'denial' happens on both sides of the addiction coin. A few of the slogans come to mind here...
QTIP - The meddling and righteous attitudes of your 'neighbors' have more to do with THEM than you. If nothing else, your immediate neighbor's attitude is a good learning/awareness moment for us. This is how one would look down the road with NO recovery. It is sad that the program didn't stick for her family. But - 'not your pig, not your farm'. Of course, this applies to your son as well. Your neighbor is a perfect example of how , without recovery, 'we' are just as sick as the alcoholics in our lives- without the alcohol.
What other people think is none of my business.... Just as your life is none of their business, the same is true in reverse. When I encounter people like this, I picture myself handing them over to a Higher Power and saying 'bless them, change me.'
Al-Anon has shown me how to have compassion for the A's in my life, recognize their disease, and understand that at times when their disease is raging, 'they know not what they do'. The people affected by alcoholism need that compassion too. It is never too late for anyone though, we all get what we need when we need it. Perhaps in time, your neighbors will notice your newfound serenity and wish that for themselves - Attraction Not Promotion.
Do something extremely self-caring for yourself today.
Hugs,
Cyndi
__________________
"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I've read that whenever someone makes a significant change, there's a virulent "Change back!!" reaction from the others. They test to see if they can carry on their old unhealthy ways with no hindrance. After a while they calm down. That's my experience.
Of course, this applies to your son as well. Your neighbor is a perfect example of how , without recovery, 'we' are just as sick as the alcoholics in our lives- without the alcohol.