Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Sara in CO · Newbie

New. Lost. Scared.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Dear Sara)) Welcome YOU are NOT alone. Many who attend alanon meetings, myself included have verbalized concerns similar to those you have just expressed. The pain of living with the disease became so difficult that I as well as many of us searched out relief . I went to therapy, counseling, church and finally in desperation surrendered and walked through the doors of alanon . As soon as I did I found that all my irrational fear and dread were unfounded. I sat and listened for over a year, did not speak to anyone, picked up literature and always felt better after a meeting so I kept coming back NO one forced me to speak .

It is a fellowship of equals so that no one gives advice except to suggest an alanon tool to consider. The reason for this is because we understand as few other can the pain and anxiety of living with alcoholism.

Denial is a tool that many use to survive the insanity of living with the disease. Entering alanon, I was given more powerful , constructive tools to live by and a support system to practice with .

I urge you to find your courage deep within and venture into a meeting. You will be glad that you did

Then come back here and share

Sara in CO · Newbie

Thank you so much for your words and thoughts. It means more than you know.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome Sara.
It sounds like you've already accepted a great deal of truths that a lot of people find it hard to swallow. Maybe you've already started your al-anon journey and you don't even know it yet

One thing to keep in mind is, you dont HAVE to do anything just because you've decided to check out al-anon or go to a meeting. One of my favourite parts of the program is, it's "take what you like and leave the rest". Meaning, you can learn different tools for managing unmanagable parts of your life and if you like them you use them and if you don't, well, that's fine! There's no requirement to "acknowledge he's an alcoholic" either. All that's required is, you're affected in some way by someone else's drinking, past or present. You don't even have to mention him; it's about you and what you want and need, and how you can make those things reality and get that spirit back whether your husband (or anyone else) drinks, or doesn't.

As to "letting your husband do what he wants", well, that implies that you feel you currently have control over what your husband does by being unhappy about it. (And if you stop being unhappy about it you will cease to have control?) The opposite tends to be true, in a fashion. I found that when I learned to put myself first and leave others to manage their own affairs, they actually began to treat MY concerns with a lot more respect and care.

Anyway, well done for making the first step. I hope it's the start of a wonderful journey for you

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again Sara I forgot to suggest that you visit the Sticky at the top of the Board entitled:" The promises of alanon" . They are true. Here is the link: alanon.activeboard.com/t52247626/the-giftspromises-of-alanon/

V

Sara in CO · Newbie

Thank you so much for taking the time to send your encouragement. It means a lot. And does make me feel less crazy.

WhiskeyLullabye · Senior Member

I completely understand what you're afraid of. My bf drinks a lot - I would say he's an alcoholic. He doesn't get mean when he drinks, but it began to concern me after he did something really stupid. But, even before that, I sometimes wondered if we would work out if he kept up his drinking. I love him with all my heart. I want to marry him and have kids with him, but I know I can't unless he stops drinking. He has - for now. His stupid mistake opened his eyes and he saw his drinking as a problem for the first time. I pray that he stays sober. It's been about 3 weeks since he's had a drink. I'm still waiting to see if he can keep it up.

Doves · Veteran Member

Welcome to this board. I hope you find the understanding and help you need here. I know this place is often my sanity for the day when I can't get to a face to face meeting or its late at night and no face to face meetings are going on. Hugs

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Sara - welcome to MIP! So glad you found us and glad that you shared with us. You are not alone and there is always hope! I fully understand your fear - I too was scared to death to go to Al-Anon and have to face the reality of my insanity of living with the disease.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects all aspects of the drinker. It plays havoc on the mental, physical, spiritual and psychological parts of a person, and often makes a gentle, kind, lovable soul do things that are just beyond understanding. It is a disease, it is not a choice. The only person who can call an alcoholic an alcoholic is them - others applying labels to them doesn't make it truth or proper.

AA is based on 12 Steps and total honesty. It's one of a few successful recovery programs. It will only work if/when one is committed to recovery, and practices the program each day in all their affairs. Al-Anon is based on the same 12 Steps and is for family and friends of the alcoholic. It also works when the member is completely honest about their role, part, contribution to the chaos, drama and insanity of the disease. This is truly very hard for most of us until we start to find a small amount of sanity - the disease is considered a family disease as most of us who live with or love an alcoholic are affected. Our thoughts, actions and reactions are often distorted by trying to get in front of the disease and/or by engaging with the A when they are active and in denial.

If you are too frightened to attend a face-to-face meeting at this time, there are 2 meetings here each day. The schedule and a link to the meeting chat are up to the top - left hand side. The best part about F2F (face to face) meetings is the comfort in being with others who understand what you live with and are experiencing. You can stay silent, cry, share, yell - or not and there is no judgement. It's also anonymous, so who you see there, what you hear there - doesn't leave with you...it stays behind so others feel comfortable in showing up and participating.

I was told early on that Al-Anon is similar to living - you get what you give. For so many years before arriving, I gave, gave, gave to anyone who needed help and many who did not. I put everyone and their feelings/needs in front of my own. Al-Anon asks us to take that same energy, and focus on us. Focus on our needs, our wants, our style, mannerisms, reactions, emotions, etc. and find our true selves. Many of us - for a variety of reasons - wear a mask that we never take off, for anyone at any time. Most often, it's because of fear - this for me is the root of most of my own 'isms'. Fear of being hurt, rejected, abandoned, alone, crazy, etc. - you name it...it resided in me. I've worked very hard to leave my fear in the past and trust myself and my higher power (HP) to live this life, one day at a time to the best of my ability.

So - join us! I am married to an A and have 2 adult children who followed that path, in spite of my very best efforts. No matter what they are doing or not doing, I am able to ground myself in each day, enjoy things and have peace of mind. I know now in my heart and soul that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I love them unconditionally and they are all 3 good people - they are just affected by a disease that changed them and controls them at time.

Please keep coming back - we are glad you are here and you are not alone!! (((Hugs)))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene