The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Or maybe a pink one, lol? I recently expressed to my bf that he hurt my feelings. He immediately told me that I shouldn't feel that way because it wasn't a big deal. I told him, "Quit telling me how I should or shouldn't feel!!!" We had a brief discussion and he thinks I should have understood his position better and been more accepting because I know him and I know his habits and sleep patterns (basically i was trying to get him to give me a kiss goodnight but he was nearly asleep and didn't want to move. Once he's comfy, he never moves....I've learned this from experience). Anyway, I don't want to make excuses for him or minimize it. I said my peace and tried to express how I felt. He played it down and kinda was surprised that something like that would bother me. Granted, I've been feeling disconnected from him these past few weeks because he just moved out, we're both exhausted from unpacking and getting him set up in his new house. I think we're both very tired and I'm emotionally on edge and feeling a bit more needy than usual. He's so busy with organizing all the stuff that has to get set up at the house, scheduling deliveries, cable people, calling the city, meeting with landscapers, still trying to do his job, still trying to parent his kids, etc.....and I guess I'm feeling a bit neglected and easily got my feelings hurt.
With that said: he has once before, MANY months ago told me I shouldn't feel a certain way and I had the same response. I tell him that I can feel as I choose and he has to deal with it.
I've had issues with him being slow to express his emotions but he has since opened up to me and things are actually going really well otherwise. He called me today and told me that he sees a light at the end of the tunnel today now that 4 deliveries occurred and the soft water loop was hooked up and he met with a prospective client who he was stressed about getting their business, etc. He was really excited about everything and about us living together in the future.
He has made sure I would feel comfortable in the house, too. Making space for my tea collection, LOL. Asking me to put my favorite canvas art (total girly canvas of bright flowers) on the family room wall, etc. He has offered to drop a client of his because he dated her 2 years ago and he didn't want me to be uncomfortable and told me I had every right to ask him to move her business to another financial advisor. He makes my tea every morning. He sings to me and we laugh A LOT.....and I am crazy about him. sigh.....
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((andromeda))) - I too am a hands-off person when I am HALT....when someone tells me that I shouldn't feel a certain way, I typically say, "Feelings are real, it's my thinking that's questionable." For me, that's the truth. Said often enough, they usually get the point and then proceed to say what they really mean - "I didn't mean for that to hurt your feelings."
I am actually hands off beyond that as well - I am not a hugely physical person....hugs and the like make me uncomfortable. If I wanted a good-night kiss that bed, I would probably get up, walk around to the other side of the bed, and peck away - making it effort-less for my partner...
I still think he sounds like a great guy! You all are still new too - still figuring things out!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Andromeda))) No that would not be a red flag for me :) Alanon has taught me that expressing my feelings is extremely important. . His response could have been more understanding and loving. It does sound as if the rest of the relationship is loving and supportive so I would let go and let god
For me the question would be what he means when he says "You shouldn't feel that way." Does he mean:
A. "I really care for you and my lack of response doesn't mean that I care any less, just that I was too tired at that moment"
or
B. "You have chosen to have inaccurate feelings and you should stop being wrong."
I think it takes some time to figure out which some people mean. I used to be with a guy who would say, "If I didn't mean to offend you, it is wrong of you to feel hurt." It took me a long time to figure out whether I accepted that or not. In the end, I do not. People can do painful things without meaning to. Heck, all our A's don't set out in the morning saying, "I think I'll be drunk and unresponsive to my partner, and let her down and fail to show up and pass out!" But the fact that they do means we feel pain and that pain is legitimate.
If he really means A, I wonder if he would be open to adjusting his way of presenting it. Casting either one of you in the interaction as "wrong" is going to head the conversation in an adversarial direction. Just a simple acknowledgement that my feelings are not "wrong" is always very soothing to me.
I don't think that would be a red flag. I know after bad relationships, it can be really hard to trust your judgement and you're always second guessing yourself. Try to have a little more confidence in yourself.
At the end you said that he makes you laugh!!!! You are so lucky. I would love it if my hubby made me laugh. I can't remember the happy feeling that comes from laughing together.
Only you can know how you interpreted what he said and what you said, etc. You were there. I would try to go with he was just too tired at the moment. Give him some slack this time. See if it happens again and again. That would be a red flag.
I'm usually a bit more hands off, too, but as I said before I was feeling disconnected from him because we had been so busy and distracted and life was getting in the way. AND, he had been living with me for the past 2 months and I was used to having him around and then all of a sudden he was gone, lol. WEIRD.
And, yes, we laugh a lot. He took me out to dinner tonight and we, once again, talked about living together and my son and what expectations we would have for him and for us as a family. He makes this living together stuff sound so easy. My son is warming up to things and we're thinking of moving in once school lets out.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I love to laugh - I truly enjoy it. It brightens my mood and makes me feel as if all things are possible with HP! I am sure you are missing 'him' and 'the closeness' - sounds to me as if you are doing awesome processing changes in your life! I believe it's good to get another view to sanity check me as my best thinking got me here!
(((Hugs))) - enjoy him and your life - you're on the other side and doing beautifully!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Nothing hurts more than when someone says to me, "you shouldn't feel that way," or on the other hand "I understand why you feel that way." I don't think anyone can truly uinderstand why someone feels some way, and you have a right to feel the way you feel. Men don't always understand that, I have such a wonderful man now, and he tries to understand but he just can't, so he just sits and holds me when I go to him and I'm upset. People don't always use the correct wording so as not to trigger your emotions. What's important to one, may not be important to another. Just like that saying one mans trash is another mans beauty.
I can relate. Its like the whole self sabottage thing dont you think? We seem to have this need to look for the negatives at times. The poor mes can set in for me too and I can get defensive because Im determined noone will ever again treat me the way I allowed and encouraged my ex AH to. Sometimes when I am feeling a bit insecure I can look for evidence that Im being treated badly or being taken for granted but then I remember I have a program which gives me all kinds of assurances.
Firstly, I have faith that my higher power has got me and if something dodgy is going on it will be revealed in good time and if it all goes to the wall I have tools to help me through it and ultimately its all learning and valuable learning anyway.
Secondly, I got serenity and happiness into my life long before he came along and so my serenity and happiness is not determined on him or his behaviour or responses to me. I meet my own needs. I will never again rely on anyone for my happiness, security, self esteem etc. Well not for long anyway. I got these valuable things through this program and nothing else so as long as Im working it I will always have these things. regardless of my relationships. In fact I think this is one of the very reasons he wants to be with me. I can be needy too at times but its usually due to being tired or hormonal etc, nothing really to do with him on the grand scheme of things.
I am determined, like, more than anything ever, not to be a victim in my own life again. I can slip of course into old thought patterns but not for long. I am in control of me and my choices and my feelings most of the time. That power wont ever go into anyone elses hands again. Well not for long. I cant ever be perfect but I have enough self awareness to get the reality of my situations these days.
I like how you worked through all this in your post. You began with your fears and processed them with a bit of a gratitude list and overall you chose to look at the positives. How lucky are we? Seriously, this program is the best thing in my life and your post demonstrates the reasons why. Also, how lucky are these two guys lucky enough to have found us. Healthy thinkers, like gold.x
Another thing I remebered. 'To take a hurt' is a choice. There is probably a spit second where we can decide to take anothers word and feel hurt or not. Mostly I chose not. Why would I? Its not an involuntary or inate response. We actually chose to feel hurt or not. Its not easy to chose not to but its still a choice. How much freedom is that?
I tell my boyfriend straight out I am feeling needy and I need some major love rained down on me! He usually laughs and hugs me and kisses me extra that day and I go off on my way feeling like we have met in the middle. My exAH minimized my feelings and I used to let him, I no longer allow my feelings to be swept aside. I can be emotionally needy, dramatic and a pain, but I am living it out loud and am honest to get my needs met. I know it is hard when we have been trained not to cause ripples, but ripples are okay and give him a chance to step into the water with you and meet you where you need him to be. Sending you love and support!!!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
