Hello my MIP family.  I wanted to share some things that have happened in my life recently.  First, during this month, I lost it badly over an employment decision my RAH was thinking of.  I simply could not deal with the proposed change he was considering.  No matter how hard I tried to respect him and let him make his own decision, I knew I could not live with It.  Explaining further just gets more confusing.

I lost all program tools and did every insane thing I could do (until I finally found someone to reach out to to help me stop).  My normal support system was unavailable and I needed a clear head badly.  Once I found that person, I was able to stop reacting and gain control over my behavior and emotions.  I expressed my boundary on his decision and left it to him.  He made his decision and all was done with that topic, thankfully.

Moving on to this past week/weekend.  RAH and I had a disagreement about something very small and he was starting to react as a dry drunk.  Each of you already know the behavior so I won't bore you with the details.  I asked him if I could speak to him in a more private area and he reluctantly agreed.  I explained that I was not judging him, complaining about his actions, trying to control him, or even trying to get him to see "my side", but felt we should discuss the "issue" that sparked the bad "vibes" and raised voice from him.  I approached this calmly and quietly and express only "I" messages.  I was extremely careful to not say "you" and to tell him how something I had accidentally "found" made me feel.  

I explained that he was not wrong, a bad person, or anything but human and I was not judging him or his actions.  These feelings were mine alone, but I felt the only right thing to do was to tell him how I felt.

After he listed, I was stunned that he even sat down beside me, as many of you know an A likes the upper hand and often chooses to stand if they "discuss" things because the standing party is showing domination over the sitting party.  He then expressed that he was working on a step where he needs to make amends for the things he has done wrong and was very happy I had talked to him about this calmly and without judgment.  He said he knew how badly he had treated me over the many years we have had together and that he had to make amends to me for all of those things so that he could feel free.  He said he knew how he acted and that "he had not cared how anyone else was affected or inconvenienced, so long as he got what he wanted".  He also expressed shame for his selfishness and told me he would do everthing in his power to be the husband he had not been for so many years.  Although I told him the past was the past, he said this was something he had to do to make things right.

I was stunned and tears flowed freely from the relief of finally hearing words I never expected to hear.  Although he admitted he was not yet at the part of his recovery where he was supposed to make direct amends (I'm not certain what he was referring to as I thought amends were amends), his words filled a void that has been empty for so long. I am no fool and know words without honesty mean nothing, but in this particular case, I could feel honesty in the words.  They were not forced, or manipulated out of him and were, I think, more of a way for him to release some pent up thoughts and feelings than something to make me feel anything.

We went on to have a nice weekend (with small ups and downs...as any normal couple would).  The tools I have learned are invaluable to me personally.  Without them, I am still lost, however, with them, I can live happily like a "normal" person, with normal ups and downs of daily living.  I do not expect perfection from myself or any other person, but I do expect to live a more sane and happy life.  

I apologize for speaking so much about my RAH, as I know this program is about us, but I felt this particular situation was appropriate since it was a direct result of how program tools changed the environment in literally seconds.  Instead of biting my tongue or loosing my cool like I did with the employment decision, I was able to reap so many rewards from simply using qtip, showing respect, not judging, and not allowing myself to be baited into an argument when the "dry drunk" behavior reared its ugly head.  Moving to a different location, changing my tone, expressing a non-judgmental and non-condescending attitude all played a major role in dealing with a potential problem head on and this approach opened the door for my RAH to express his own feelings unimpeded.

Thank you all for your esh and thank you MIP for giving me a new way to deal with life.