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I need to give myself a big pat on the back because I stuck to my boundaries last night. I got a text from him at his normal end of work day that he was going to be delayed. Then an hour later I got another text that said sorry. He arrived home pretty well lit. Didn't eat dinner fell asleep in the recliner with his fly open and started rocking the walls with the snoring. I went about my business. Left his plate and everything sitting on the table wrapped up the leftovers and did my own thing in another room. He woke up around 1130 and started heading to the bedroom and I said Oh no, do not think you are sleeping in that bed and he said why what did I do? (As he stumbling trying to keep from swaying) I just smiled and said nothing so he sat back in the recliner and passed out. He was late for work this morning, stinks of stale booze, etc.
The thing that is bothering me is we had a great weekend. He was sober throughout and it was awesome. Church was fantastic on Sunday and we got to work in the yard afterwards something that we both love to do. He was tender and affectionate and so was I. Monday morning he said he didn't want to go to work because he didn't want the weekend to end because of the closeness we had. Then he comes home like that! I had to take out my qtip tool and I know his alcoholic brain reared its ugly head sometime Monday afternoon...its just hard to watch and he will accuse me of being judgmental later because I respected my boundaries.
I am grateful I got a good nights sleep without the snoring. I am grateful for the weekend that he could see what it could be like. I love my husband sober. I know my HP is working and I can see the seeds getting planted in my A head. I am getting tired though. How many more Im sorrys, DUIs, "bad days" does one have to live through? At what point do you say well I love you but sorry I tried? At what point is it taking advantage of the detachment?
(((Suzann))) - great job using your tools and holding to your boundaries. I can relate to your sadness too - for me, when I thought things had taken a turn for the better and then the disease 'won', I ended up often just SMH (shaking my head) and very sad. My sponsor said I truly needed to check my expectations at the door, each day as I said my prayers. She was spot on - I expected something to continue that was possible but not always probable - and she always reminded me that this applies to things beyond this disease.
I have to still each morning pray for the strength to live in the present, stand in the moment and let things unfold as they will. I repeat this often if needed. You did a great job taking care of you and keeping the focus on you. I love QTIP and I often have to pull out JADE as well for the 'after event discussion'.
You are not alone girl - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You could very well have been describing my household and even my thought processes when similar things happen, especially after a good stretch of seeing "the real him". Congrats on how you handled it last night. You're exactly right that we can't take it personal. I needed a reminder of Qtip, that's a tough one for me. You upheld your boundaries and slept well as a result, and even if he accuses you of being judgmental later, you still handled it perfectly. The next day pity party happens with my AH all the time. I try to remember that my husband, deep down knows why I did what I did, he knows his behavior is causing the detachment. His disease is the one that likes to play the blame game, it makes it easier for the disease to pass the buck.
I get the right thinking of "Live in the moment" and hear the old, old lesson from early days "If you have one foot in yesterday and the other in tomorrow...you're peeing on today" I am metaphorical and think in pictures...that picture brought right perception immediately and I always and still do have much value in the Al-Anon suggestion of "Just for Today". I cannot change the past...that is over and done with and the future is not here yet so my predictions are not valid...I stay in the moment as very often as I can. Thank you Al-Anon, the entire fellowship and HP for the lessons of recovery. Mahalo also to this MIP Family...you are all very very blessed. (((((hugs)))))
I tried my very hardest to avoid the day after discussion because I just didn't think I would be able to hold it together. He kept texting and texting and then calling and calling and I just wanted it to stop so I answered and he acted like nothing could be wrong. He said he had no excuses and all he can say is he is sorry. When I didn't respond he got elevated and asked me what my thoughts were...I said I realize this is your illness and its not a moral illness but a true sickness but what I am having is a moral dilemma with is your blatant disregard for everyone including yourself. How you continue to get in a car and drive in that condition potentially killing yourself and or an innocent person is morally offensive to me. The selfish and narcissistic behavior you display is unattractive and despite what a great weekend we had is a big turn off. I am not sure how this is going to end because I need someone who is capable of being an adult and a husband. An adult and a husband are both capable of sensitivity towards others. We have not spoken since and he has not been home. Somehow I feel its going to be a long night. I know I made some mistakes in there. His arrogance and selfishness are really bothersome to me right now. Im tired of the bs its like he doesn't want the focus to be on him but yet he does. Hes like a two year old having a tantrum its just sad
(((((Hugs to everyone))))) I'm in the same boat and it feels good I'm not alone, we're not alone. In moments of sadness and worry for what's going to happen next, I keep reminding myself of to live One Day At A Time. Yes, to live in the present moment, just for today. We don't know what the future holds for us, be at peace and keep the faith that God is holding that future for us.
Suzanne, only you can make that decision, when enough is enough. Just keep in mind AH is an adult, he makes the choice for the alcohol. Until he's done he won't quit.
I have come to realize that, as he is drunk again tonight. He promised he would be home sober by 730 so I could go to my face to face meeting. That didn't happen. My kids called me from their fathers car to tell me he wasn't home. He came home a half hour later, drunk. Obviously he can no longer be trusted around my children. I don't think I want to do this anymore.
(((Suzann))) - So very sorry that you didn't get to your meeting....esp. considering the reason. This disease is certainly maddening. When my boys were smaller and I was concerned for their safety, I would actually hire a babysitter if I had to go any place. I honestly didn't go very far without them for a long while. I fully understand your disappointment and the feeling of defeat - I had it often when I first started to work on my recovery.
Know that you are not alone - we are here for you.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hate to think of myself as disappointed but I think that is what it is. I am not entitled to anything, I have to work and do all the things any other person does. I have to be responsible and accountable for myself just like everyone else. Except him. I am angry, inside I am hurt and disappointed and lonely. Tomorrow is my birthday. My A son and polysubstance abuser has just informed my daughter that he is currently not speaking to me. I did not know! I haven't heard from him since Easter. AH is in full relapse. AGAIN I am disappointed that this disease is taking MY special day. I am disappointed I couldn't do one thing for myself. I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself because that is a trait I cannot stand in other people. I know its not about me technically and I shouldn't take it personally. Then to top it off my daughter tells me that she got into an argument with her stepmother because I did not send a gift for her son at Easter. I sent gifts for the grands, flowers from the two younger kids to all the ladies, a gift for my nephew and I also sent gifts to their father and his wife from the kids. I don't get it. smh
Suzann - Happy, Happy Birthday to you!!! You are special and you are loved. I have been angry with this disease many, many times over the years. I feel as if it brings out the absolute worse characters of all affected, and lays in wait until....it doesn't. I used the word disappointed as that's kind of what I read into your post - and while we talk about feelings not being facts, they are real to us in the moment. I try to allow myself time to feel, deal and heal when turmoil happens - and in my life, it never seems to happen when I am prepared/best grounded.
My hope is you can wake up and find some joy that it is your special day. I have had to get creative if I want to celebrate these days and lead the effort. I used to get sad that my 3 - my AH & the two sons I gave birth to - did not recognize these days. It was my sponsor who pointed out that I could call a friend, go to lunch, get a manicure/pedicure, shop - do whatever I wanted to do for this/these days and make my own plan and fun. It felt strange at first, but now it's empowering to make a plan and have something to look forward to.
The Courage to Change today is about the first 3 Steps and how they help us realize how powerless we truly are and how HP has all power. It truly helped me today realize that what others do or not do in my life is not my business and there is nothing I can do about it, except take care of me.
You are not alone - positive thoughts to you for this special day and all days! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you IAH - I read todays C2C and its true I am powerless. I am only in control of me-today is about me for me. I am sad, I feel empty, but Im going to fake it for today and do me.
Your first post on this thread reminded me of the time when I learnt that I had a backbone and started to use my own judgement. It felt good. Yes, I was sad and disappointed that it didn't result in an immediate change in my husband's drinking but it was the beginning of change in me and I think it registered with him as well. The first sign of that was that he drank more so I just continued to go about my business. It sounds to me as though your husband noticed the difference as well. The things that you said the next day all seem pretty valid to me. My next step was to focus on myself and to take my focus of my husband, I felt that he could take care of himself and, in time, he did.
The other point that I recognised was that a few days after a good outing or a special date my husband would often get especially drunk. I think the closeness felt uncomfortable for him, even though it was what he craved.
My birthday wishes for you are that you can see that you are valid and loveable, that you are entitled to anything that it is within your power to achieve. I would love things to be different for you with your family, especially today, but whatever they are doing, I hope you are doing something really lovely for yourself.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ((((SUZANN)))) !!! We're in this together, you're not alone, whatever you're feeling, some of us have felt and will probably feel sometime. By the Grace of God we will endure... sending my love, hugs and prayers :)
Hau`oli la hanou Suzanne...(that is how we say it here) add that to your Happy Birthday wishes salutations. I'm pulling for you cause I came to the realization that for me all days should be as valuable as others when it comes to mutual respect. It should not "have to be" anything more special than you....I know, I know how the disease works as it takes away value and happiness leaving others feeling less than. In reality in the eyes of others who love you; HP included you are most special. When I accepted that truth my alcoholic/addict would not ever hurt me again. I gave her the gift of compassion and acceptance as I let her go and that was magic cause I didn't think or behave that way before the program taught me about it. She was doing more harm and disrespect to herself and I fell sadness for her......and then she got clean and sober; her HP with her own work was celebrating her...she needed it so much more than I and before program there was no way I could understand it. We all go to feel the sanity promised in the 2nd step. Miraculous magic...."Free at last....Free at last....Thank God I'm free at last". Go get yourself a huge Jelly donut and plunk a candle down in the middle of it and celebrate...send me the bill. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all. I had a great birthday. He gave me what I asked for that day sobriety. Just for that day and I appreciated that. He also gave me a beautiful bracelet that has the serenity prayer on it. As usual we had a great weekend, full of closeness and tender moments, until he got "lost" on a home depot run. For now it is what it is. The only thing I am holding on to is how great it could be by the evidence shown on the weekends. He is noticing some stuff so Im just going to keep on keeping on for now.
One thing that has to be realized is that Alcoholism is a disease and that means it IS progressive. It will not get better on it's own. There is no guarantee our loved ones will ever seek recovery and the outcomes if they do not are jail, institutions or death. This is why it is important that we acquire the skill of detachment so that we can come out of denial and learn how to separate emotions from situations. Then we can learn to set appropriate boundaries (which are not rules for the A to go by but rather actions we will take should certain situations occur) and to act rather than react. Taking the Steps and attending meetings are key to maintaining our sanity and to progress in our own recovery (for we HAVE been affected). While there is breath there is hope but in the meantime we set about the business of LIVING. Promise 11 is ours if we work the steps ("We shall intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us)
Youll have to learn to make it whether the alcoholics do or not. (CTC 7 -17)
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
