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My communication (emails) with my boyfriend are causing me confusion. He has 'explanations' for every one of my concerns, and he feels I have drawn 'wild conclusions' and that I continue to attack his character and judge him as an 'addict' unfairly. He has already acknowledged that the pot was reckless and stupid and he used words 'horribly embarrassed and ashamed' of how he got carried away with what he saw as this 'mid life' fun thing. He acknowledges his trouble with quitting smoking. His doctor does not condone that he wears a patch and limits cigarettes to two per day, but he says it's better than two packs a day. He says he has had a Xanax prescription for 25 years and his doctor has no problem prescribing it because he knows he's not abusing it. His DUI 12 years ago was after a wedding reception and he said it could have been his wife driving and being charged just as easily. He basically says that none of these things are my business anyway, and I just drew my own conclusions without sitting down to have a rational discussion with him about it and asking the questions of him. (true) He is was angry. And then an hour later he was apologetic, and says he feels helpless and heartbroken. He feels I need 'help' because of my depression and anxiety since my heart attack and he said he truly loves and cares about me. He said he will give me the space I need, but to call him if I need help in any way.
Now I am questioning my own sanity of course. I have never been 'sure' about whether he is truly an 'addict' or not. I did draw my own conclusions based on 'facts' (I've seen pot, alcohol, drinking and driving, nicotine/tobacco issue and he enjoys gambling about once a month) and combine all of these with my past with an alcoholic husband - well my reaction to all of this has been fear and uncertainty. He even said ' is that what Al-Anon is teaching you - to unfairly label your loved ones as addicts?' *sigh*
What if I am wrong? He is a good man- not falling down drunk and high every time I see him. I am just uncomfortable knowing he is putting all this crap in his body. If not a true problem yet, it will be eventually and then it will be harder for me to dis-engage than it is NOW. He has a successful engineering career, beautiful accomplished, healthy and well rounded daughters. A supportive and close extended family. I just don't know why my gut is turning so . I have not been 'normal' since my heart attack. I think I may need to get some counseling to help me through this time as well, because I don't know what to think anymore. The roller coaster of emotions and thinking is exhausting me.
I miss him terribly, but I know I still need to take some time to myself.
Thanks for 'listening'.
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
My experience is that we Al-Anoners are slower than normal to conclude that people have drinking/drug problems, not quicker than normal. I haven't met an Al-Anoner yet who was too quick to conclude that her person had a problem.
Another thing I know from experience is that alcoholics and addicts can convince pretty much anyone that the sky is pink with green polka dots and up is down and it is sandy and balmy at the North Pole. They all ought to be used car salesman, they are so good at pulling the wool over people's eyes.
My own line in the sand (even if the sand is at the North Pole ) is pot. I will not be with anyone who is smoking it. I do not want it around. It is a mind-altering drug, it is illegal in most of the country, and it is not something I want to be involved with. People have all kinds of reasons I "should" find it acceptable. Fine, they can do what they like, they don't need my permission. Nevertheless I do not have to be around it, and I won't be. The same with men who want permission to cheat, or people who are chronically broke and want me to lend them money all the time, and all kinds of other things. They all have umpteen reasons why their actions are totally acceptable. That doesn't mean I have to buy into it, and it certainly doesn't mean I have to stick around for it.
The guy you've been with has a DUI, smokes pot a whole lot - "always has a bag on hand" - and gets mad and chews you out when you object. Then he disrespects your boundaries by arguing a blue streak about why he's not excessive in his drinking/pot smoking. The thing is that if he's not an addict, he will say he's not an addict. If he is an addict, he will say he's not an addict. So him saying he's not an addict doesn't carry any particular weight. Addicts say that every day of the week.
What you know for sure is the feelings that you had that led you to be very uneasy about his substance consumption. That situation has not changed. He has an excuse for it all, but that doesn't mean your spidey-sense is off base. For one thing, he seems to do an awful lot of pot smoking. (As I said, even once would be too much for me, but I know some people feel differently.) The fact that parts of his life are functional - well, I'm sure we all know addicts who kept it all looking good for quite some time - until they didn't.
Your own sense of things is the sense that needs honoring. You don't have to meet anyone's standard except your own. I know there's always the question, "Am I throwing away a good guy because I'm over-sensitive?" My experience is that when I'm worried about something, I stay worried about it, even when I'm trying very hard not to. Over the years, I find that all the things I worried about were legitimate. Even though I tried to talk myself out of worrying about them. In fact, my problem was overriding my worries and staying with men who had big problems. It was like I was at the foot of the Rocky Mountains saying, "Somehow I falsely perceive this as a mountain, but I'm sure it's just a little bump and I will just step over it!"
Mahalo Mattie....Awesome response and very real. It reminded me of when I reached the awareness that "for me" I was right on and my alcoholic/addict wasn't who I was supposed to be convincing of anything...she was drinking and using...period...not good, not healthy, not real.
Thank you all, thank you Mattie. Here I lived with an alcoholic for 22 years of my life and you'd think I would KNOW what addiction looks like, This situation is so subtle and tricky however, I suspect if we lived together, things would have clicked way sooner for me.
Pot is the game changer for me as well. Even though he 'says' he hardly ever smoked it, and his 'little bag' would only yield "about 5 joints" and would last him for months (then why even have it?) - he never said 'I won't smoke it anymore'. And even if he said that, I'm not naive enough to believe it. The other substance issues he appears to have challenges with (in my perspective)- well... maybe they aren't horrible each on their own, but it's clear the tendencies to self medicate are there, and the fact that he picked up a mind-altering drug at age 55 after 25 years (supposedly)... well, that signals trouble to me. My fears may be more in the 'what ifs' down the road, which is not healthy, but I think I know what I know.
Acceptance is hard.
Feeling this guilt and grief over hurting someone I love and care about is probably what is truly at the heart of my confusion. Accepting that I can't be with him in any healthy way is hard. And the biggest challenge of all... choosing 'myself' has been a most giant leap outside my comfort zone. I have to remember that I was able to choose myself 6 years ago when I walked away with my three kids from a 20 year marriage and basically started my life over. I can do this now.
And honestly, when he threw in a couple of Al-Anon jabs in his anger.... that really told me all I needed to know.
Thanks for your kind and firm 'reality check'. I'm just going to keep coming back and trust my HP's will for me.
<3
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Cyndi - so sorry that the back and forth is confusing and painful....I can relate - my sons would make their case for any/every thing that I tried to discuss with them - it just was so confusing and frustrating.
What the program has taught me is to thine own self, be true. I will never assume or label another an alcoholic/addict. That is not my job. All the actions in the world may point to that, but who am I to place a label on another? That's between them and their maker. What I can do though is take care of me. Any behavior that makes me uncomfortable today is a red flag for me. It's no longer just about alcohol/substances - it's bigger than that for me.
If how he is living his life is bothering you in any way, shape or form - it's time to look at you and why. I am around all kinds of people, some of whom have addiction tendencies. Adult softball can be a huge beer league and there is pot at tourneys and probably much more. My family is full of drinkers and many still smoke weed. I could go on and on and on - use and abuse of substances is everywhere.
For me, it's about what affect it has on me. I do not pass judgement on others nor do I label them - I just use my own boundaries to protect myself and detach when/if necessary. Spending your time thinking about him, what he does, what he uses, when he uses, DUI's, etc. is leading to your uncertainty and confusion. Go back to program basics - Powerlessness, Surrender, Letting Go - and keep your focus on you.
You have every right to your truth - and that is simple - there are certain things that you have observed that truly bother you. This doesn't mean you care about him less or that he's a drunk or anything else - it means that you are pulling back to determine why. Only you can answer why - for me, it's usually about fear caused by projecting the worst case scenario and/or my ego - because I can't make them 'see' that what they are doing is destructive and/or illegal and/or _______________...
I was raised in this program to not judge, analyze, project, assume, or gossip about another - esp. the alcoholic. I just am not comfortable analyzing others in that way - and have found that when I did, again - my ego concluded who they were/are, how they would be/act, etc. So - try as best you can to keep the focus on you, with the program and trust God to bring you clarity.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow Mattie EXCELLENT response, I am printing that one out for myself. Once on another board someone asked if they thought their boyfriend drank too much (because she thought he did and others said he wasn't that bad) So she was confused as to what was "too much" or "ok"... and someone responded with "It doesn't matter. what does matter is if it is acceptable behavior to YOU. Are those the qualities you want in a partner?" I thought that was good advice. We tend to forget what WE want out of a relationship. Its is hard though I know. Easy to overlook your own standards. (A's are definitely good with the pity face)
I do know that since my ex husband was a heavy pot smoker that I do not want to date someone who smokes. If someone chooses to smoke that is fine, but I do not want to be around it. So I guess drinking is going to be my next standard.
Feeling this guilt and grief over hurting someone I love and care about is probably what is truly at the heart of my confusion. Accepting that I can't be with him in any healthy way is hard. And the biggest challenge of all... choosing 'myself' has been a most giant leap outside my comfort zone. I have to remember that I was able to choose myself 6 years ago when I walked away with my three kids from a 20 year marriage and basically started my life over. I can do this now.
Exactly how I feel Cyndi... I hurt my ex-husband when I left and I still feel bad (working on it) and I know I will hurt my boyfriend if I leave too. But its true more and more that our relationship is not healthy. I am glad I am learning boundaries so I don't look like a lunatic anymore, but deep down I think I know what I have to do.. because he really is not going to change.
Iamhere - that has been my LIFELINE... holding on to the fact that it doesn't really matter in the end if he is a true addict in denial or not, what matters is that *I* am uncomfortable. I literally word for word have said that to him in an email. He keeps saying I am judging and labeling him (and blames Al-Anon for that) , and my response that was I don't KNOW or even CARE at this point if he has a problem, what matters is how *I* am feeling about the substance use he exhibits . The more I engage with him the further I feel pulled away from my focus on my program. I too have friends who drink heavily and I accept them as they are and am not so enmeshed with them about it. I don't know why I can't come to this same place with him or any intimate partner. I guess because I lived with it for 20 years and have a big fear of 'going there' again?
Aerin... I agree also, if nothing else, this experience is helping me redefine my standards to the point that I am ready to completely abstain from alcohol myself. Since my heart attack I have only had 2 glasses of wine in 7 weeks and I am perfectly fine with this and don't even think about it or 'miss' the social engagements where I would have it. I would prefer to have someone in my life who is substance free and who is enthusiastic about sharing a healthy active lifestyle with me.
I am so grateful to be here and among so much wisdom and calm, steady guidance. I feel a little 'crazy' coming here clearly NOT keeping a grip on my tools and program. I am truly a newcomer all over again.
Thanks for being here everyone!
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I think that when we have been damaged by the disease of alcoholism we can be defensive and over vigilant. trusting in your higher power allows me to try not to draw conclusions or assumptions. I am aware that all will be revealed and that I know all I need to know for just now. I also trust that my higher power has me right where I should be and if that means making another mistake then in the long run the lessons will have been worth it. This eliminates the fears of the what ifs.
I also try to make boundaries about me. If I truly accept step 1 then I have no power over anyone but me so my boundaries are for me. So if your partner has a problem and it is revealed clearly and with consequences that effect you then your boundary is about protecting you and not about changing him. I recently read somewhere, maybe here, that love cant exist where there is fear and so your fears could be sabotaging love coming into your life. I suggest taking the time you need in recovery. Inaction is usually a good one rather than making fear based decisions or reactions.
Thank you el-cee... I am considering what consequences there have been that affect me. Mostly the consequences affect HIM... in terms of his health and safety, but this indirectly affects me too... I didn't sleep well when I was with him (snoring and sleep apnea), I worry about his overall health issues (and I have my OWN health to be focused on now), our intimate life was definitely affected by his use of various substances. One time he lit his back yard on fire and nearly burned down the house because he forgot that he had lit his outdoor fryer - again HIS consequence (not my house or yard) and I don't know for fact that he was high , I 'assume' that - but again, it affects me because I was there and it scared the crap out of me (this was one week after my heart attack too) I worry about him driving when he has been out having drinks and/or being stoned. I have ridden with him many times and it was kind of a 'joke' with him that he is a bad, inattentive kind of driver in general. It makes me wonder about his sobriety at those times - and also, I very definitely have been his passenger after he has been drinking. Poor choice on MY part, I know... so yes, I guess in listing things out like this, I do have consequences related to his substance use, whether direct or indirect. This experience is helping me as I go forward in terms of what I will no longer accept or bury my head in the sand about.
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
If you are judging and labelling him (in his point of view), why would he want to engage with you? The most sensible thing would be for him to keep his distance and go his own way. What I see is that he is trying to get you to take back your reservations and still be with him. He wants to have his cake (you) and eat it too (indulge in his addictions).
"You're judging and labeling me!"
"You're right, you'd better protect yourself and stop sending me messages."
I bet that wouldn't do it, though, because what he really wants is for you to say his addictions are just fine and dandy. That's the deception addicts try to impose on everyone around them. Those of us who don't buy into it are subject to huge campaigns to get us to take back our thoughts.
Good points Mattie - I believe he found exactly which buttons to push with me. And that is my 'soft side', my emotions - because he saw that I don't respond favorably to anger and defensiveness, but as soon as he 'softens' (as in suddenly in an hour) and expresses concern and love, then I 'soften' too. A good guy friend of mine said to me today - "if a girl no longer wanted to date me because of some differences that I did not want to change, I would not be trying to 'convince' her anymore, I would cut my losses and move on'. He found it very wierd that after all has been said and done, my exBF is still 'trying' to reason with me - as if we could ever move past this and 'forget'.
It is going to be tough, but if he reaches out again I will not respond.
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
The best part of our modern communication methods is the right to decide if to respond, when to respond and what to ignore. When my qualifiers spend a ton of time justifying and rationalizing their actions, thoughts, words, etc. in an email, I feel blessed....I much prefer the written word and I read carefully to see if there is any truth that aligns with mine.
I do not respond often to "You" messages. I consider them bait and just don't bit any longer. My best course of action that keeps me true to me is I statements without any blame (you statements or he statements). Second, is to use JADE on any you statements.
You are well within your rights and the program to continue to state, if you feel the need to respond, that you are just not comfortable with how things were/are. You also have every right to ask for a break at any time, for as long as you want to use as you want. I am one who so often thinks I owe others 'closure'. I don't owe anyone anything. I have been dumped in my lifetime with nothing more than, "I don't think this is working for me...." and they have walked away. I now believe this was acceptable, but before the program, I considered it mean, selfish, etc.
What I've learned and believe is that we ALL, alcoholics included, are doing the best we can with what we have - some just have more than others on a given day. What he wants, what his motives might be are not important. This is about what you want and need - nothing more or less should be considered. For me, when I am having a hard time letting go, it's because I believe I can still affect a change in another, and I'm fearful of the 'unknown'. I don't know if this applies for you or not, but for me - not being able to let go is about my ego, my control issues and my desire to still have things my way.
Life would be so much easier if we had a crystal ball - eh? We do not and we will never know what another is thinking/feeling/planning - I think about how many changes my life has been through and how many I've been surprised by since the program, and fully believe that understanding me, my motives, my feelings is a full-time job, not meant to be shared. It is my own insanity that allows me to think I owe another anything including explanations and/or closure.
Keep processing and keep turning inward - I agree with El-Cee - there is no such thing as wasted time or emotions - everything we have been through and will go through serves a purpose. Open mind and open heart will always keep me true to my journey, even if it's got detours once in a while!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That sounds like good going, the not responding. I would expect him to redouble his efforts at first, and finally to get the message. At times like these, when their crazy thinking really shows itself, it helps us see that the wonderful guy we hoped they were is not the whole picture (or often not even a very big part of the picture). It's painful to give up that dream for that one person, but then we're free to love someone who can love us back, and not just love drink and drugs instead. Hugs!
) is pot. I will not be with anyone who is smoking it. I do not want it around. It is a mind-altering drug, it is illegal in most of the country, and it is not something I want to be involved with. People have all kinds of reasons I "should" find it acceptable. Fine, they can do what they like, they don't need my permission. Nevertheless I do not have to be around it, and I won't be. The same with men who want permission to cheat, or people who are chronically broke and want me to lend them money all the time, and all kinds of other things. They all have umpteen reasons why their actions are totally acceptable. That doesn't mean I have to buy into it, and it certainly doesn't mean I have to stick around for it.