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So for the past 6 months A really seemed to be making real progress trying to make changes, and was doing pretty good. But his His rational is that he def doesnt need AA, but that he is going to quit on own by drinking less and the days in between drinking binges will get longer until he stops. (he promises he says. ummm hmmm)
Sadly, Ever since I put up boundaries tbough, he seemsto see that as permission to go backwards! He is back to drinking every 2 days instead of maybe letting 2weeks go by. I think because Im not arguing he feels like "oh cool, no arguments, I can drink n she leaves me alone and no accusing or confronting. Has anyone experienced this???
Huh? Why are you blaming yourself? It is NOT because you put up boundaries. It is because he has a disease that is not being treated! You can't reason with this. It is beyond reason. It is not because of anything you did or didn't do.
((Aerin)) alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease that can be arrested but not cured. His increase in drinking is due to the disease and not because of any action you are taking.
Remember we are powerless over this disease. Please keep coming back.
I am so sorry this disease is making life so hard. My RAH once did 6 months without alcohol, after a particularly bad incident. I thought things were better, but was horribly wrong. He was resistant to hear about AA and would never agree to any counselor or other person who Might help him see how his drinking was affecting him,
After that period, the drinking came back much worse than before. He later told me that was the worse six months of his life,
After hitting "bottom" (at least we both pray it is his true bottom), he did reach out to AA and has been in active recovery for over a year. I can assure you the behaviors are very very different when someone is working a program or simply doing it on their own.
I pray you find serenity and that your AH finds a program which meets his needs. There is simply no comparison to life before and after,
They can not control their disease, their disease controls them. We definitely do not 'cause, control or cure' the disease ourselves either.
I was just reminded in my own situation - when I spend my time thinking about him, what he is doing or not doing, what he uses, when and why... my life starts to become unmanageable. My attempts at trying to 'figure him out' are really just an effort to 'control' - and that takes me back to Step 1 again. Powerlessness, surrender, letting go.
What matters is that his behavior and choices bother YOU.
You and I are both 'singles' so from this standpoint - remove the substance use altogether. If I met a man who is an atheist, but I am a practicing Catholic - after a few months, it may become apparent we can't be compatible together. Or, if I meet a strict vegan but I live a Paleo lifestyle... after some time it will become apparent that we aren't going to be compatible. Discussions and conflict will arise - he will be 'right', I will be 'right'... but neither one of us is going to discontinue our own practices just to go along with the other and keep peace.
Keep close to your program, I know it is helping me tremendously through my discernment!
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I also read this nugget recently: Focus on the 'whats', not the 'whys'. The 'why' will kill you....
At the end of the day, if I know the answer to 'why', is it really going to change anything? My ex BF is either going to use this or that, or he isn't... but what am '*i* going to do? Sit here and think about it and ask 'why'? Or go out and live my life.
That's where my head is 'today'.
__________________
"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
So for the past 6 months A really seemed to be making real progress trying to make changes, and was doing pretty good. But his His rational is that he def doesnt need AA, but that he is going to quit on own by drinking less and the days in between drinking binges will get longer until he stops. (he promises he says. ummm hmmm) Sadly, Ever since I put up boundaries tbough, he seemsto see that as permission to go backwards! He is back to drinking every 2 days instead of maybe letting 2weeks go by. I think because Im not arguing he feels like "oh cool, no arguments, I can drink n she leaves me alone and no accusing or confronting. Has anyone experienced this???
From my own experience, I'd have to say that he is manipulating you to get off his back. Unless and until he admits he is an alcoholic and seeks help, nothing will change. The time between binges may vary but they will never stop until he admits he has a problem and seeks help.....period.
As Hotrod said, this has nothing to do with you or your setting boundaries....an A is an A and they manipulate every situation to their advantage. That said, my son is a disfunctional A. His binges have varied in length for several years but recently, they are constant......he sobers up, works a few days and once he gets a few bucks in his pocket, they start again. Then after anywhere from a few days to a few weeks of drinking with absolutely no food intake, it will take him 2-3 wks to get past the DTs.
The "WHY" is not your problem and no matter how many times you ask yourself that, you will never find an answer.
All that said, I am a mother and it is in my DNA to try and protect/fix my child but I've had to admit that I am powerless over this disease and LET GO AND LET GOD.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 19th of April 2016 09:07:22 PM
Thanks everyone.. you all make very valid points. (I definitely feel especially sorry for those of you with children going through this ) My A has said many times that he doesn't see how sitting in a room with a bunch of people at an AA meeting is going to help at all. He has admitted he has a drinking issue but refuses to say alcoholic. His best friend has been sober (from drugs and alcohol for 3 years now) and has told him now much the meetings have changed his life and said he can join him anytime.
I personally think my A doesn't want to "know" this. He doesn't want to educate himself on alcoholism and what is really doing to him or me or his son. So the next day he acts like nothing really happen. Obviously I have been doing my boundary work during his binges. Just makes me mad that he acts relieved that I am no longer "on his case" about drinking. I suppose in the end that isn't my problem. The boundaries are for me. I will admit it makes me proud of myself for not going into ranting fits. It does make me stronger and I suppose that is what all of this is about. ME
My A has said if he can't have a drink now and then what else is he suppose to do for his anxiety? He really tries to justify it.
When I started detaching and making no comment on my partner's behaviour, I felt like he was "getting away with it" for a while and it made me hopping mad. I felt like, i have to do all of this work and make all of this change just to be OK while he does what he wants, and it's almost like he's being rewarded for it now!!
But then I started to see a huge benefit (aside from the changes in me).
When his drinking had consequences for him, when he missed work or embarrassed himself or ruined a friendship or spent all his money etc etc etc, I was no longer in the firing line. There was no way to make all of the difficulties in his life my fault anymore because, i was pleasantly going about my business. I couldn't be blamed for "making him drink" by arguing or "stressing him out" etc etc because, I wasn't engaged with his poor decisions or behaviours at all. I was minding my own business.
After a while of having to bear the consequences of his own actions without me to blame I could see how truly difficult and miserable it was for him and that was when it became easier to have compassion and understand why he had been so willing to blame me when I willingly volunteered for that role. Who wants to blame themselves for that kind of mess if there is an alternative?
It's funny how before, I thought if I didn't argue with him he was "getting away with it" when in reality, when I argued with him, I actually let him off the hook every time by inserting myself into his problem as the distraction and scapegoat!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
My exAH was and is well aware that he is an alcoholic. He once said to me that it comes to a point that it is far easier to drink, then to not. Sad, but I can see his point. Saying the word 'alcoholic' is a committment really - think about how A's start their own shares in AA meetings. The first step for true 'change' is acceptance of our own problems, regardless of what they are.
When I started learning to detach with love from my ex AH , what happened was we rarely even spent time together anymore. I was becoming a runner, working out, spending time with girlfriends. I stopped drinking with him on the patio, stopped drinking with him. I went to kid activities, he did not. It got to a point where I was basically feeling 'on my own' already - why were we even married anymore? As I impoved my own life and developed my own interests, we basically grew apart and had nothing in common anymore.
This is also what happened with my ex BF. W never did anything together besides go out to eat, have drinks, or go to family/friend parties (more drinks). During weekend days, we would run errands or be lazy... until we went out in the evening. (dinner and drinks) He would always 'say' he wanted to go on hikes or walks, he would 'say' he wanted to find a volunteer group for us or something - he would 'say' he wanted me to put together a workout plan for him and work with him - but just like my alcoholic ex husband- he was all 'talk' and NO ACTION. All substance 'questions' aside, I was feeling like we had less in common than I originally thought in the beginning.
This was another 'flag' to me. Addicts say a lot of things, in many different ways, but in the end, what they actually 'do' is... well, they use their substances, and their lives work around that. They don't even realize it most of the time.
For me it comes down to- why be in a relationship with someone I have nothing in common with, to include some pretty important value systems?
When emotions are involved though... UGH. It is tough to navigate for sure.
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
) My A has said many times that he doesn't see how sitting in a room with a bunch of people at an AA meeting is going to help at all. He has admitted he has a drinking issue but refuses to say alcoholic. His best friend has been sober (from drugs and alcohol for 3 years now) and has told him now much the meetings have changed his life and said he can join him anytime.