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I've been doing some Step 4 work around my tendency to people please, to the degree that I sometimes give up my own value system or self discipline in order to 'go along with' others. Rather than speak up and say what I mean and mean what I say, even if it is 'unpopular', I am the nice, easygoing, nothing-phases-Cyndi kind of girl. (my exBF told me he thought I was a 'cool girlfriend' and didn't care that he smoked pot once in awhile) The result of this people pleasing is that I eventually feel 'victimized' - even though I created the situation myself because I dis-honored my own boundaries! It's like swallowing nails, this realization.
My example would be - with my exBF, over the past 6-7 months I found myself drinking more than I normally do. Now, for me 'drinking more' is anything more than 2 glasses of wine in an evening- and I typically do something social just 1 night a weekend, sometimes 2 nights, depending on what is going on in a given week. But in general, when I talk to my doctor for example, I would say, "I have no more than 4 drinks a week". However, I find that when I hang around certain friends (not all of them), or am dating someone who drinks more than me - I tend to give up my own boundaries in this area. I once had to 'break up' with my best friend of 30 years (one of my qualifiers) because she made a wise crack to me at a party because I wasn't 'drunk enough' to do karaoke with her. She claimed I was being 'holier than thou', and I was furious with her . (I was in training for a half marathon at the time AND had my teenage daughter with me as well) Instead of saying calmly what was on my mind and then letting it go, I just flat out stopped talking to her period and we were apart for just over a year. That was probably the pendulum of reaction swing far to the extreme, but at least I honored my boundary. For a year and half... ha! We finally reconnected and I am able to have a good friendship with her and manage to stay detached with love from her alcoholic family life.
When it comes to intimate/romantic relationships though - I find it harder to honor my own boundaries around conflicts, values etc. And it's usually a sub-conscious slipping that I don't even notice. I wonder why this is?
I thought I would open this up as a topic here to see what others have to share about people pleasing, saying No, honoring our sense of self and our boundaries - even defining our boundaries so we are aware of them.
What works for you? What has NOT worked?
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I found by working all the steps 4 through 12 , as well as examining my motives I was able to accept my humanity , and see how by my abandoning myself to please others not only hurt me but also was a form of lying to everyone. Others then thought I was someone I was not . Being able to define my principles (the ones I always expected others to live up to but I never did), then placing these principles above personalities ( my personality as well as others) helped me to learn to validate myself without judging others and to retain my self esteem and self worth. Speaking honestly at meetings helped as well. Great topic
I used to become outraged about this sort of behavior in others- my mother for example, would do things I hadn't asked her to do and then refuse to let me do anything in return...but it seemed that she always wanted me to know just how much she had "had" to do for me. Or agree to things she didn't want to do and then be "put out" later; it was as if I could never be appreciative enough even if I hadn't asked for or even didn't want what she'd done.
This used to make me CRAZY but the funny thing was, when i started working my steps and looking at my own behaviour properly, I came to see that I did exactly the same thing to others!! I thought I was "being selfless" but in reality I was engaged in some sort of strange exchange where I thought if I "sacrificed' enough, people would have to like me/care about me/appreciate me.
Being able to see the reality of why I was always 'giving in" or "sacrificing" for others freed me from the need to do it. I am enough, and if I make a sacrifice or do something for someone else it needs to be because I honestly want to do that thing for them with no expectation that they will appreciate it. That works much better for me. The moment I expect some some sort of return behaviour or gratitude for an action, I know it's the wrong action.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Betty's statement about 'abandoning myself' being a 'form of lying' to everyone is very compelling! And others then think I am someone I am not - this is a little bit of what happened in my relationship. He thought he had my 'endorsement' to smoke pot, because I never said anything to the contrary. I know I said things in a passive way, but we all know how that works out. So when I finally spoke up, he was shocked and dismayed and hence he felt 'betrayed'.
I know that my motivation behind this behavior is simply to feel like I 'belong' and am in good graces with people. The irony of it all is that in doing this, I am really isolating myself and separating from my inner being/ Higher Power.
Good stuff here!
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Cyndi - I too can relate to Betty's statement and was thinking close to the same. When I got to the program, and was working through the steps, I realized I had been in this pattern of a chameleon for most of my life. Part of it was because I truly did not even know who I was and what I liked, even when I knew what I did not like. I was not true to myself ever that I could recall. As I continued to explore this, my 4th step revealed a lot of fear. Fear of not being enough, good enough, pretty enough, smart enough - but fear had me be what I thought others wanted me to be.
For me, each relationship that had happened and broken down had much to do with this. I try to no longer people please, which makes me look at my motives. For instance, I will always do what I can to bend for my parents. I honor them and am grateful for the life they gave me, and while our styles and values are a bit different, I respect them and tend to not rock the boat. They have always wanted the best for me, and now that they are 81, I need them to see me healthy, happy and whole - as their parting gift from me. I don't have to do much as they are generally easy going folks, but if they wanted to go to a cemetery to visit a relative and I did not, I would take them and go. Not because I seek approval, but because I want to be of service.
So, my motives have to be examined situationally. It helps me better understand me - am I doing this because I really want to, because I am of service or because I am afraid to buck the system? Keep doing the work - your processing sounds fresh and based on your message sent last night (other thread), I see your strength and program leading you....the answers will come!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
On boundaries, I've come to see that I regularly violate my own. A wise definition of boundaries I heard recently was that a boundary is a definite place where my responspility ends and anothers begin. I've neglected the responsibility to myself time and time and time again. By people pleasing and sticking my head in the sand. it was you who pointed out to me that anxiety is sometimes an indication that somethings out of balance or not right. I violate my boundaries by being apathetic about things that are actually quite important to me or could needlesly complicate my life and this apathy is.....a lack of loving concern....for myself! Of course, at the time it just feel like the easiest thing. Lucky were here isn't it?!
I find Everything works together the longer
I am working it. I use it more now in work
And in relationships. I am not as soft with
Weak boundaries as i use to be.
i am not the same person either, I am fiesty
and sometimes angry so against Who i always
was. The Placid and easy going, non Combative
and natural born care giver.
I dont know how i will be in an intimate relationship
Yet i am not ready to trust or go there again. I
Believe when the time is right i will know.
This is a fantastic topic and everyone's contributions really resonate with me. I have felt like a chameleon most of my life and as a child it was a survival skill. It didn't rock the boat and the alcoholic didn't lash out at me and that helped me to survive somehow. But somewhere along the way I lost myself. To the point that I often don't know what I want and need. It's been very hard to come to that realization myself. I am often seen as easy going and non judgemental but oh boy can I be judgemental. And I do end up with what my counsellor calls a resentment hangover. I get super resentful. My mom does this too. Does things I did not ask for and do not want and then gets mad when she isn't appreciated for it even if she does things to try to help but that complicate things even further. And I often do the same darn thing.
At a meeting someone said that she has been using the question "what do I want" as sort of a slogan. Asking herself that question when faced with options. That is so hard for me to do. I had my birthday recently and was told to pick whatever place I wanted to go for dinner. I couldn't think of what I wanted. I started to think of what my daughter might be willing to eat, or what my husband would tolerate or what my mom might enjoy or not want to do. It was very VERY difficult to do that. And it made me realize how much of a "people pleaser" I can be. So much so I don't know my own wants and needs. Thank you for posting this it was so helpful.
Thanks for sharing KT... I can relate to choosing places based on what others want. My ex BF would get frustrated with me when he would ask me to pick a place for dinner and I would say 'whatever you want'. Sometimes I would voice something, but always what I thought 'he' would like.
I spent my whole life doing what others would want or expect. To include being a music major in college - because I played piano and that's what everyone (my parents) 'expected' or assumed I would do . Can you imagine- not even picking my own college or degree? I didn't even know what *I* wanted to do with myself. I loved music and was talented, but in my heart of hearts I wanted to be a doctor, or a psychologist... even a lawyer. But I never dared say it out loud. These would require advanced degrees, and therefore more $$$, and I was too afraid to do what I wanted, and didn't know how to fund my own education beyond the 4 years provided by my parents. As it turned out - I never even finished college. I was so far removed from myself , doing what I didn't really want to do, but no idea how to change or know for sure where my heart was. So I basically partied my way out of college.... and disappointed my family in the process...
Anyway... this seems to be a common theme among us 'codependents'.
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I was dumbfounded when I realised that i actually didn't KNOW what I liked, wanted or needed. I had gotten to a point, before I started recovery, where I couldn't spend a cent on myself- I had no decent clothes etc and hadn't had my hair done professionally for over a decade, yet i would go out for the purpose of shopping for ME, and when I got there i couldn't do it..I'd end up buying something for my child, and then shopping for a "treat" (new clothes etc) for my Abf- who was always drunk and mean and never left the house!!! I would almost have a panic attack if I tried to spend money on myself or do anything for me...it was NUTS!! When i first got to al-anon and people kept asking me what i liked, what i wated, I just kept blathering on about my A and my child and how they were going to "xyz" and then I would "xyz". I had to actually get to know myself from scratch, like meeting a completely new person. That part of the process- figuring out what I like and want and need- was the FUN part of al-anon (and I got right into it. You should see me shop for myself now, I'm unstoppable LOL)
Anyway if that seems a bit off the track, the point is when I started to treat myself like my "new best friend" the people pleasing behaviour eased off. I think before I felt very lost; I couldn't see myself as having any worth and the only way I could feel valued was to do what others wanted and hope they would validate me for it. Learning to value me has been the real game-changer for me. I don't feel compelled to "keep everyone happy" now. Example- if I go to visit my A and he's drunk, slurring and raving, his brother (whom he lives with now) will just pretend everything is normal, and keep trying to involve him in the conversation and get us all to sit down together. Its so weird and sort of sad. I used to sit there and play along to keep his brother happy (he's very nice, and doesn't drink) but now I will not; I've explained why, once- "I can't stand to be around him when he's been drinking" and now I just leave, no way I am enduring that farce again!! I endured years of it, no thanks!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 19th of April 2016 06:50:24 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
So when I finally spoke up, he was shocked and dismayed and hence he felt 'betrayed'.