The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have no problem at all admitting that I'm powerless over alcohol. I can control my drinking because I'm not an alcoholic and I rarely drink - when I do, its usually not more than a wine cooler or two. I know that I can't control my boyfriend's drinking. If he decides to drink again, that's on him and there's nothing I can do about it.
The part I'm having trouble is admitting that my life has become unmanageable. I don't feel like that is the case. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on my life. I'm taking care of myself and I'm pretty on top of things - except laundry. My laundry may be unmanageable. Even when my boyfriend was drinking regularly, it wasn't causing any problems for me. Does my life have to be unmanageable for me to get through step 1?
When I was with my ex, my life was definitely unmanageable. I couldn't leave the house without an escort, I was treated like a child, and beat regularly. It was horrible. That was definitely unmanageable. Now, things are good. My boyfriend isn't abusive whether he's drunk or sober. He doesn't get angry when he drinks. I'm responsible for my own bills and my apartment and my car, and getting myself to work - I don't need him to take on any responsibilities.
WL Your life does not have to be unmanageable in order for you to work Step 1. I found that my "thougths were unmanageable", and that helped me to work this Step
.
My anger, fears, resentment and self pity were deep within and flavored my decisions and actions. I was always" faking it until I made it", pretending all was well in order to pretend to be happy. That happiness never lasted. Once I decided to work this program, acknowledging my unhealthy inner attitudes I was set free.
Many people have posted great ESH on the Step Board regarding Step One It might help you to visit that Board and review the Step and the questions.
I recall having some of the same thoughts about Step 1. When I was married to my alcoholic - yes, it was obvious my life had become unmanageable. Anyone could see externally - my house was a mess because I did not 'care' anymore. I didn't keep up with household bills (always my job), procrastination was my friend- I put off any responsible task as long as possible and was living reactively instead of pro-actively.
I have gotten my act together pretty well in the 6 years since then. Logistically - I keep up with day to day fairly well, but if I am honest, I could be better. My 'management' skills are slipping, this I can see. Why? Because I have been so 'outer focused' - about my boyfriend (ex), my heart attack... I've been in a mild depression and things just have to wait, but overall- I'm good with this.
My 'inner world' however is a bit of a mess. My life is unmanageable from the standpoint that I continue to attract and allow addicts in to my life. I have worked through the Steps one time, but not very thoroughly. I am determined to be thorough this time. I know I only scratched the surface. I need to really get to the bottom of why I allow myself to settle for dysfunction. At least I'm catching it in weeks, months... (besides my exAH who I stayed with for 20 years). But I would like to raise my vibration enough so that they don't even come NEAR me anymore. My association with addictive types leads to unmanageable thinking and life for me. Period.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Thank you for this post WL...I can relate. When I first thought about step one, I thought about being powerless over alcohol in the sense that, my then AH was active and there was nothing I could do about it. It actually helped me accept that there was nothing I could do about someone else's thoughts, behaviors, actions. Then the longer I worked on my recovery I realized I was powerless and my life was unmanageable because of how I had 'lost myself'. At my lowest point I was barely eating, taking something to help me sleep because I was wracked with insomnia, and I was routinely going through my H's things--I was out of control and my life was unmanageable.
Once I kind of 'embraced' that--and the humility that goes along with it-!! I felt just a little bit stronger and more grounded in who I really am.
