The material presented
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My AH is on his second day of sickness after about a two week bender. It was a bad one this time with an average of a fifth of vodka or whiskey a day. I knew he would crash and burn at some point and it started Saturday morning. All day he was throwing up and had the shakes. He slept most of the day. Today he is in bed again. I want to believe this is his wake up call but he will not even entertain the idea that this is a product of his drinking. I know in my heart this isn't the bottom and I guess I am wondering for myself how far down this rabbit hole of insanity and illness I want to go.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Bethany This is indeed a dreadful disease and watching a loved one suffer as you describe is very difficult. I found getting to a meeting, sharing with my sponsor and working Steps 4 through 10 helped me to make a decision that worked for me--- In my prayers .
(((Bethany))) - so sorry that you are witness to the disease progression. It seemed around here that the worse I saw them, the larger their denial became - until they actually had an epiphany - which still wasn't enough to see a need for a complete change....mine all have applied a series of band-aids for a surgical wound - or so it seems to me.
I agree with Betty - processing with a sponsor and/or some trusted program friends might help you as well as meetings as step work. I was once told that if I am asking myself the hard questions, maybe it's time to look for the best answers (for me). This quite frankly scared me as I was so afraid of failure and so afraid of the 'what ifs'....
Keep doing your program and I believe the answers will come!!
You are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My AH is on his second day of sickness after about a two week bender. It was a bad one this time with an average of a fifth of vodka or whiskey a day. I knew he would crash and burn at some point and it started Saturday morning. All day he was throwing up and had the shakes. He slept most of the day. Today he is in bed again. I want to believe this is his wake up call but he will not even entertain the idea that this is a product of his drinking. I know in my heart this isn't the bottom and I guess I am wondering for myself how far down this rabbit hole of insanity and illness I want to go.
I ask myself that same question every day..........((((HUGS TO YOU))))
My hubby would always say, "I think I have the flu...." He never was as sick as yours is now. He drank about 3/4 of a fifth of whiskey every day after work. More on weekends. Scary stuff. But it was never enough to make him stop. Only the DUI and the judge got him to stop long enough to look at himself and go to AA meetings. Even now he says he's not totally sure he is an alcoholic. He also has had cancer three times since he quit drinking and he says he won't drink because he knows the booze isn't good for him.
I was just thinking about the difference between a spouse who is an addict and a child (or adult child) who is an addict in al anon. The meetings I go to many advocate kicking the kids out on the street but not the spouses. (The words are not meant to be harsh - being new this is how it feels to me). Right now I don't understand why - maybe in time I will.
Keep in mind I'm new - but these are my thoughts - maybe the only things he is afraid of is loosing is you so there will never be a bottom
Hey Bethany, I know this scenario well and it can go on for ever. How long you want to spend watching it is up to you. Do you have your own recovery program? Do you attend Alanon meetings? This has been the only thing that turned my life around completely. I got to step off this merrygoround that is never ending if you want it to be. He is sick, easy to see but what about you? Do you believe you too are sick and are suffering from this disease of alcoholism? If so, you need the medicine and Alanon is it.
Julian, I dont think kicking anyone out is being advocated anywhere in the program. Not to say you havent heard individual opinions on this but its not in the program. In fact if anything its stated that in order to detach we don not need physical seperation. I kicked my son out when I learned that I had a right to a good life and that he had to feel his own consequences for his own choices. I stopped being an enabler and a crutch because that was killing him slowly. I left my husband, never kicked him out. Its different with your child and your partner. The responsibilities are different. With my husband I got addicted to him, the drama, I enjoyed the victim martyr role I played like a pro. There were rewards if you like for me. With my son, I felt mostly pain and it brought me to my knees, hence getting into Alanon. thats where I learned how to live with this disease. I never let go of the love for my son or cut off contact, I just began to reclaim my own life from this disease that takes and takes.
It can be difficult for some women to leave their men because women often give up careers to have children, making them dependant on their men. So often Alanon readings, especially the older ones in the ODAT, suggest tools for women who cant leave easily. Leaving is also not the answer for everyone.
It was for me, the best thing I ever done. I was reckless and impulsive though. I just packed mine and my sons bags and left everything into an unsure future. Luckily or with the help of a higher power I never knew existed, it all worked out brilliantly and in the end was right for me. I had been carving my career over the years while bringing up my children because somewhere inside me was a determination to leave this man due to his drinking.
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 22nd of April 2016 04:32:07 AM
Bethany, i just want to add my support. I do understand that feeling of not knowing where is the end of the rabbit hole of addiction/illness. I can only suggest taking care of yourself by reaching out to Al-Anon friends and tools. When I reached out, I found support and strength from people and places I did not expect. Having a Plan B and getting away temporarily was helpful for me. Believe me, you are not alone.
Hugs Bethany. I hope you can find a way to take yourself out of the situation and do something that gives you some peace. Can you do something nice for you today?
-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 22nd of April 2016 11:19:05 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Bethany I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep an eye on him though. If he does get worse I would try to get him to go to the ER. The only reason why I mention this is when my husband quit drinking (almost a year now) he went into complete detox with physical symptoms of throwing up, shakes, chills. By day three I took him to the ER (he didn't want to go but felt so bad that he really didn't have a choice) and they got him a bed right away. The dr. that he saw told him that they take alcohol withdrawal more serious than any other drug withdrawals and he told him he could have had a seizure, heart attack or stroke. This shared information scared the $hit out of my husband and was thankfully a wakeup call for him. He ended up getting some sort of drug in the hospital (can't remember the name but it was an intravenous drug) that helped calm the symptoms and was in the hospital for two days.
One never knows what their A's wakeup call will be. I truly hope this is his but only his HP knows. Sending you many prayers.
Well, the good news is, he hasn't had a drink since Friday last week (that I know of). I know that only time will tell, and without recognizing a need for a program, this is probably short lived, but he seems to be recovered from the detox. He is taking Prilosec because he tore up his esophagus and that scares me since we have friends who have had serious issues with esophageal cancer and bleeding which caused serious brain issues. I am enjoying the break from the insanity right now. It is so nice to have him back. He is a little edgier than when he is drinking and I am sure he is figuring out where to go from here and resisting the urges to drink, but that is only my assumption. He seems to have thought about the information I gave him about a pattern of benders that end in sickness. I told him I went over my journals for just the past year and I could see it. I mentioned that I had foreseen on Friday that the crash was coming soon based on past experience. He didn't argue or defend the information. Maybe I am getting better at presenting information without sounding judgmental or critical. I was trying to just relay my concern for his health. I do think he scared himself, and I do think he is trying to determine where to go with all this information.
As far as me, I am focusing on the planning for my 50th birthday party next Saturday. I love to throw a party and although it feels weird to throw one for myself, it is fun to gather decorations and plan out the table decor and food and music. The evenings this week have been peaceful and there is a calmness to my home that wasn't there the last few weeks of the bender. I am enjoying this time for what it is now, and trying not to project too far out.
As far as leaving him goes, I am not there yet. I love my home so much and he really is a great man when he is sober. I have done this before in my previous marriage, and I trust myself now to know when I have had enough and see no future for myself in a relationship. I know this is easier to say when things are better.
Just for today I will enjoy the peace. Just for today I will show kindness and understanding to all I come in contact with. Just for today I will treasure my home and my family.
Thank you for all your comments. Yes, I have a f2f group every week. I love my meeting. I haven't procured a sponsor yet. That is my fear of committing to anyone. That is my fear in general. I know it would be of great benefit to me to find someone. It just feels so awkward and uncomfortable to ask and then be accountable to being in contact with someone like that. My hangup for sure.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Bethany - your plan sounds good and you sound like you handled this all well......(((hugs))) headed your way and prayers for your AH & you! Your birthday party planning sounds FUN!!! Enjoy it all - the planning, the prep and esp. the evening....perfect gift to you - love the self-care!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Me too, I love that you're planning a party for you. Yay
You sound very centered, it's inspiring.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Bethany that does sound great to me as well,and I pray your husband gets better for himself and for the both of you,maybe even try some meetings you and him,just a suggestion,,,,you enjoy yourself and Birthday ,happy Birthday to Bethany ,smiles and hugs coming your way.......lu
