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My AH has been dry for over 2 years. He did not do any recovery work. Things are certainly much calmer. He is nicer for the most part. No late night crazy drunk shenanigans. However, I am dealing with a lot of what I call "tests" in my mind from him and I am not sure if I am handling it right. I think these are dry drunk behaviors. I know that enabling is doing things for other people that they can and should do for themselves. Well my H is always asking me to do things that he can and should do himself. Examples. Him in quotes. My basic replies (or non replies) without quotes.
"If you see any cookies on your way home can you get me some?"
I didnt see any. ;) Now had I been going to the store of course I would pick something up for him. I would even call and ask if he needed anything. But I was not.
"After we walk the dogs then you can go out and get me cookies"
No.
"Well I would have gotten them on my way home but I forgot"
Not my fault. Im not getting them.
"Everyone is mad at me for forgetting things!"
(Friend was upset with him earlier he forgot things about friend's upcoming surgery)
"I would do it for you!"
I wouldnt ask you to.
"Is there any extra Kleenex? "
I dont know, maybe.
"Which cabinet?"
I don't know. (Theres only 2 cabinets, he is standing in front of them. Open them up and look around!)
"Are there any more Benadryl?"
I dont know.
"Whats the generic name of Benadryl?"
I dont know.
"Well can you look it up for me"
Ignored.
"Will you go out to the store and get me candy?"
No.
"How do you spell ________ ?"
"How do you spell _________?"
"How do you spell _________?"
"I'm so bad at spelling autocorrect doesn't work!"
I have to spell everything for him.
Seriously you guys it's making me feel insane. Then he turns it around and guilts me because I am "so mean" and "I never help him with anything". I'm not being mean, I'm pretty sure. The things he is asking me to do are like a million inane little favors and it's driving me nuts. I think it's a test to see if I love him. That's as far as I can get. Maybe someone here will have more insight into what this is and how I can best handle it. Thanks in advance!
(Edit: Can you see he is now addicted to cookies and candy now!?)
-- Edited by gingerfizz on Friday 15th of April 2016 11:03:26 PM
He did not do any recovery work...there you go and it sounds like King Baby is in the house. Ask him to call his sponsor and see what this sponsor thinks about the situation. Really that should alert him. It sounds maddening...(((hugs)))
Jerry F thank you for your reply, I feel so validated! LOL sponsor. Those are for people with problems, Jerry, not him! He never attended one meeting. Stopped cold turkey after a Very Bad Night where he passed out at a relatives party, puked in my car, and said he was going to divorce ME for goodness sake. I should have let him. That was before Al-Anon. Now I know better.
Unfortunately if I said that to him he would just take massive offense that I dare say that his asking for simple favors has anything to do with drinking! He is fine, that is over, and he is perfect now that he does't drink and why can't I ever be satisfied with him? I always want more more more he will say. And in a way he is right. He is not recovered and has little insight. Yeah he is not a huge jerk as much now. He is a more minor whiny annoying testing helpless King Baby. I feel very often that I live with a 4 year old. When he is exactly 10 times that age.
Anyhow, thank you for your reply. Feels good to get it off my chest and get some understanding from those who "get it"! <3
Scuse spelling, using phone and can't see what I type properly. Sometimes mirroring maddening behavior helps when reason won't, try asking him for relentless inane favours too and I bet he tires of the game before you've even gotten warmed up.
Not al_anon I guess but, might be amusing to try if nothing else helps. I got my mum to stop relentlessly questioning me this way and it seems to have been permanent
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you Gingerfizz for bring this topic up - drives me nuts sometimes as well - especially since I've been told off because I do everything and have therefore rendered my husband incompetent! As one of my lovely girlfriends said - of course it is my fault, who else's could it possibly be?!!!!
I like the way you handle it. To a degree I guess I brought this behaviour on myself because there was a time when I did trot off and 'get the cookies'. I am so pleased those days are over!!
I no longer think that my love needs to be tested and that is a change that we both need to get used to I guess.
are u sure u arent describing my XAH ? Thats what he did for 24 yrs and i just automaticlly gave him the answer or did for him..it got super severe the last 6mths we were together..one of the reasons I knew if i didnt leave...i wouldnt have a sane bit of me left.
(((Hugs))) - I learned a 'pass the monkey back' practice many moons ago in recovery. When mine ask for things that they can clearly do/research for themselves, I give it back with kindness.
All the how do you spell.......................... or what is.................................. - response, "Google is your friend."
Cookies....cookies....cookies - I'll text a reminder to your phone.
Where, when, etc..................................It should be in your email/phone.
I do my best to share what and I no longer do reminders, etc. My AH isn't drinking much and walked from recovery 20+ years ago. However, he does have memory issues, so I have to decipher between what is laziness and what is genuine 'can't remember'. So, I do send him text messages & emails with things he should know that I am aware of. If he get's there, great. If not, he can reschedule.
I am traveling right now, and his family had a reunion this weekend. Driving to the airport, I asked if he invited our boys to the reunion. He said, "No - I am sure my sister did." I gently suggested that probably didn't happen - she doesn't have their mobile numbers. He invited both of them Thursday night for a reunion Saturday afternoon.....they both said they had to work. I stayed out of the whole thing as I no longer worry about family and relationships more than others - if it's important enough, they will figure it out, be there, etc.
It can be maddening for me, so I do all I can to head it off early and then step out of the way!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Scuse spelling, using phone and can't see what I type properly. Sometimes mirroring maddening behavior helps when reason won't, try asking him for relentless inane favours too and I bet he tires of the game before you've even gotten warmed up. Not al_anon I guess but, might be amusing to try if nothing else helps. I got my mum to stop relentlessly questioning me this way and it seems to have been permanent
It might be amusing MissMeliss! But he really might do all these things for me. I think he tries to caretake/manage me in a way to "show he is so nice" or earn my love with little favors. He overly offers to do things to help me but I think it is manipulative at times. He says "Can I get you anything from the kitchen?" several times a night, maybe half of the time he walks in there. If I say, 'oh darn I forgot to buy bread" (Not trying to manipulate him, just stating a fact) he will be right there "i'll go right now for you!" (I will tell him no, its ok, I can get it later) and things like this. So I think because he tries so hard to caretake me to "earn" my love or something, that he thinks this is healthy and normal and that it should go both ways. But it is not healthy how he does it either. I don't want it going in either direction!
(((Hugs))) - I learned a 'pass the monkey back' practice many moons ago in recovery. When mine ask for things that they can clearly do/research for themselves, I give it back with kindness.
All the how do you spell.......................... or what is.................................. - response, "Google is your friend."
Cookies....cookies....cookies - I'll text a reminder to your phone.
Where, when, etc..................................It should be in your email/phone.
I do my best to share what and I no longer do reminders, etc. My AH isn't drinking much and walked from recovery 20+ years ago. However, he does have memory issues, so I have to decipher between what is laziness and what is genuine 'can't remember'. So, I do send him text messages & emails with things he should know that I am aware of. If he get's there, great. If not, he can reschedule.
I am traveling right now, and his family had a reunion this weekend. Driving to the airport, I asked if he invited our boys to the reunion. He said, "No - I am sure my sister did." I gently suggested that probably didn't happen - she doesn't have their mobile numbers. He invited both of them Thursday night for a reunion Saturday afternoon.....they both said they had to work. I stayed out of the whole thing as I no longer worry about family and relationships more than others - if it's important enough, they will figure it out, be there, etc.
It can be maddening for me, so I do all I can to head it off early and then step out of the way!!!
Yes, pass the monkey is what I try to do, lol! Good phrase!
He does not have any memory issues that I know of, and I refuse to remind him of things he should set reminders for himself though. He has a fancy phone. It's just laziness. He will say, "can you remind me to....?" I tell him to put a reminder in his phone. He would rather I do it. He has a diagnosis of ADHD. I am not going to manage it for him. If you have ADHD then you need to learn to put reminders in your phone, use tools to help you!
The difficulty I run into is if I refuse to do things for him he will say I am unhelpful and unsupportive. It becomes my fault for not doing it, which is classic dry drunk blaming and not taking responsibility behavior I guess. I just have to ignore it and not let it bother me if he decides to blame me. QTIP I guess. It sucks if he sees me that way, but I have no control over how he sees me! I guess that's the only solution there is.
Hi everyone - I'm so glad I came back to this site! Been away for awhile (things have been "fine") - I should be here all the time because they are not fine, H is a dry drunk who never did any recovery work other than "stopping". I think he cheats but hides it from me. The manipulative behavior is exhausting - I'm sitting here reeling from being told all these things that I do that show him I don't care about him and I am in disbelief. Its like the old days when he was drinking regularly. Maybe I am insane but I go out of may way for him, probably more than I should. Nevermind I work 70 or more hours per week and he doesn't work at all. The tears keep coming and I hold them back.
Wow! This is my life!!! And I know I jump still, and it's something I'm working on in my recovery. Right now my A is one month sober, cold turkey, and has not attended AA, but promises to. But there have been so many promises that I still don't believe them. I just say "ok" and go on my way.
It's crazy how the insanity is still there, and it's more important than ever that I recite the serenity prayer in my head in times like these. I was asked today to go to the store- I went twice yesterday, but, oh well, I was busy and she said she would go, but didn't. I wasn't going to stop what I was doing because it needed to be done.
My biggest insanity right now is the stuff when she was drunk with memory loss and insisting she said what she said, and didn't. Now as a dry drunk, and her memory is horrible right now because she hates taking the medication that helps with her ammonia levels, and the doctor yesterday told her she needs to be taking it! So all day today we had a communication breakdown, and she told me if I'm in the middle of something I need to drop everything and listen basically (and she knows if I'm in the middle of something, I can't always stop). Then said, "I'm much better at communicating than you." And holding a grudge with a stupid fight, and bringing it up at every opportunity throughout the day. Ugh! But I left the room when she kept criticizing me and then was yelling at me from the other room! I told her why would I stay in there if you keep criticizing me? I'm going back to what I'm doing.
I think I realized today, too, that with her current sober-ness, and being sick in the hospital, and still dealing with the symptoms that I've been at her beck and call. Now that she's able to do more, I need to focus on myself and work my program. The last two weeks have been hard because of the withdrawal. This is a good reminder for me to take more time for myself, which I will do tonight!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Laura