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I finally had the hard conversation with my boyfriend about my concerns. He asked me what was going on lately so I finally told him that since my heart attack, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life in general, and that includes evaluating our relationship. I told him I have concerns about the pot smoking. He laughed and said the pot is 'no big deal' to him, and then said that the only reason he started smoking it after 15 years was because he had some at a party with MY friends, and he enjoyed it. He said it's not MY fault of course, but he didn't think I had an issue with it. He said he can 'take it or leave it' and it's not a big deal to him. I also said that I have reservations about the drinking and that he has driven after too many drinks. His response to that was that when we started dating he thought *I* was the one with a drinking problem, and that I have friends who are 'big drinkers'. He said he sees a 'conflicting' me - that on one hand, I enjoy going out with friends and 'the party', but then there is the holistic side of me that is in to fitness and nutrition and health. He said that I was an inspiration to him to start making changes in HIS life. He said he is 'stunned' by all of this change in my thinking about him, and he thinks I am in an unhealthy mental place and isolating from people who care about me - because of my heart attack.
I am saddened because it seems that suddenly the conversation turned around to what a 'mess' *I* am. When I go out with friends, I never have more than 2-3 drinks. I told him that I did not lose 70 pounds in the last two years or become fit enough to run half marathons because I have a drinking problem and live a party lifestyle. I do not understand any of this. He is making me feel like I am making a mistake. I can't even think straight now. He made it seem like he was simply going along with ME. In my mind - we go out to dinner and I will have 2 glasses of wine. We meet up with friends maybe once a month if that, and I will have 2-3 glasses, drinking a full glass of water between and also eating. I Told him that NOW, since my heart attack, I will rarely drink again at all - that is the only other 'change' I can make because I already exercise and eat clean. I don't smoke, and I don't smoke pot either - so why is he implying that *I* have a problem?
We ended the conversation with 'I guess this is goodbye', and he just texted me and said that 'pushing away from people that love and care about u is not a healthy way of dealing with life challenges either!'
Please share some ESH - I am feeling a little bit of 'insanity' and much sadness right now. Thank you all for listening.
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
((CINDI)) POSITIVE THOUGHTS ON THE WAY . I find if I stay in my own houla hoop, my reality and trust HP my life works out well . Hope you can get to a meeting soon
Aloha Cyndi...the disease of alcoholism is still working you and when I was in the same position; feeling responsible because my alcoholic/addict wasn't, I thought and felt the same things you are until my sponsor gave me a command....which was..."STOP!!" I got that command because I was taking the insanity out with me and spreading it around and failing to resort to and working the program. "STOP!!" was about my thing and then he gave me a slogan "DON'T REACT"!! which worked very well with the Al-Anon thought force, "You don't need to attend every fight you are invited to". All of the feedback I got was positive "make sense" feed back and part of the "OPPOSITES LESSONS I WAS GETTING IN PROGRAM FROM AND FROM MY SPONSOR. The OPPOSITES means "if what I am doing now in dealing with the disease is getting me trouble, bad and sick feelings, and more...DO THE OPPOSITE AND GET THE OPPOSITE CONSEQUENCES....WHICH IS PEACE OF MIND AND SERENITY. The opposite of anger is acceptance and the opposite of fear is love. The opposite of frustration is patience and so on.
You are supposed to feel crazy because crazy is the consequence of participating within the insanity of the disease and a lot of that is abiding with the drunk as if the drunk is well mind, body, spirit and emotions...he is not and nothing he says is valid. Of course that also applies to you and that is why you come for support and feedback. Practice, Practice, Practice the program and make the fellowship and your sponsor and higher power the "go to" people in your life...see how that comes out. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
There's actually a term for when people try to convince you that you're crazy - gaslighting.
I wish I had found this group when I was with my ex-boyfriend. His addiction (meth, not alcohol) had a huge effect on me. I think this place would have helped. Anyway, my ex always did the same thing. The conversation would always turn to what I did wrong and how I was to blame and my problems instead of his.
Thank you everyone. I know if I stay close to my program and HP, and all the resources, I will move past this.
Yes, I could feel that this relationship and my thinking has been making me 'sick' again. Makes me wonder if this is where my heart attack came from. My HP works in mysterious ways...
I can't get to a live meeting until tomorrow evening. So maybe I will attend online this evening at 9.
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
in my experience, and I admit it hasn't been a long one... they have a great way of deflecting anything they're feeling onto you. I, too, felt crazy, and knew that while I was "sick"... it wasn't just all me.
I had to focus on myself, and making myself better, and realize that the illness disguises itself, and the only thing we can control is ourselves.
hugs to you. Hope you can make the meeting. They are my life-line.
I agree with all the others here. These alcoholics/drug addicts turn the tables every time their behaviour is confronted. They try to make you think you're the nutty one, and if that doesn't work they bail out! They don't want to look at themselves so they project the blame onto you, say you're "starting an argument " like my son accuses me of when I confront his behaviour, they use guilt trips, they manipulate, they make the problem you so they don't have to see their real problem. Hang in there, love yourself, let him spin in his own crap, and know you are NOT the problem. Hugs
As I am learning, you can only control yourself, your reactions, and your thoughts. His thoughts are his, and he has to deal with his own actions and ideas.
You keep on praying, stay close to the program, and seeking the support here and with others who have experienced Al-Anon. Stay strong, Cyndi. Sending healing hugs.
Cyndy I have to say I so admire your strength in this,for I'm trying to learn how to walk away from a long time relationship with a man thT I fell in love with years ago I just haven't been able to cut all ties to him as of yet,but I can see my hp working in my life today as I work my steps I'm on step 2 ,taking baby steps with it.i can feel your pains in your threads as your going through this breakup,I'm to am hurting today my abf moved out yesterday he had no choice in the matter for he is looking at lots of time behind bars and the police here in our town have started harressing him,he can't drive e anymore due to no dl,no work here and had to sell his car,it was a lot on me having him here,this is where I can see my hp working in my life today with all that on him he had to move on,I should have cut all ties yrs ago with hi and I did so many times cut ties and went back every time,not so easy today cause he is no longer to live in this town,my hip knows what's best for me and that's exactly where I'm leaving all this to and trusting that my hip will pull me through,I am greiveing now but I know that it will pass to.you are so strong ,I can clearly see that you've got this.......thanks so much for your posts I love reading them...keep coming back your not alone.......hugs lu.......sorry for rambling on n on,I just haven't learned yet of how to keep my threads simple, I hope you get the message ,this desaese is horrible........
Thanks for your post Looking. I can only say that for me, it was a matter of trusting the Divine Timing of my HP. I had made my choice weeks ago - I knew that no matter how challenging leaving would be, that it is in the better interest of my health, future and overall wellbeing to end the relationship. Because I have been recovering from a surprise little heart attack at the same time (what I believe was my 'wake up' call from my HP), I delayed acting on my decision until I was in more 'sound mind and body'. I came back to working my Al-Anon program - reached out to my sponsor after almost a year, started attending live meetings again, found this group, pulled out all of my literature. In just a few weeks I was feeling 'stronger' and able to take the next indicated step. I now know that I have been mostly preparing myself for the guaranteed 'emotional fallout' that comes AFTER the actual breakup. In some respects this phase his more difficult and I knew it would be. Because he took one last attempt to emotionally manipulate me, guilt me into beieving I had done this horrible 'unloving' thing to him etc. But I had my support network in place and my resources to grab onto for balance, knowing this would come.
Only in staying close to my program and my HP have I been able to pull through these couple of days. I woke this morning (Sunday) feeling even more renewed and positive that I made the right choice. One Day At A Time. We are always where we are suppose to be, so be easy on yourself and trust that all will unfold as it should and always for the ultimate good! ((Hugs))
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Cyndi - (((Hugs))) - knowing and deploying our truth with the support and trust in HP helps with the reaction from others. I believe that change in hard for all - even harder for those with addictive natures. Hearing that change is coming causes my qualifiers to put up walls of rubber - I call them teflon - nothing sticks here!!
It's just a defense mechanism used for self-preservation and QTIP comes to mind for me - Quit Taking It Personally. Before this program, I took EVERYTHING said to me and action made personal. The program tells me my serenity is best when I realize that the actions, thoughts and words of another truly have much more to do with them and their journey than mine.
I do always listen for a message though, and take action if it makes sense. What one sees as isolation may be real, or it may be opinion as we begin to look and hang 'with the winners'. But, I am one who does process what is said as often I find something that does apply and that I can seek guidance and change from HP.
Hang in there and know you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He made it seem like he was simply going along with ME. In my mind - we go out to dinner and I will have 2 glasses of wine. We meet up with friends maybe once a month if that, and I will have 2-3 glasses, drinking a full glass of water between and also eating. I Told him that NOW, since my heart attack, I will rarely drink again at all - that is the only other 'change' I can make because I already exercise and eat clean. I don't smoke, and I don't smoke pot either - so why is he implying that *I* have a problem? 