The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week, my husband's sponsor told him we shouldn't talk at all except via text, and even then only about logistics, because the way it has been, every few days he suddenly gets angry at me out of the blue and that triggers my chronic illness and I get sicker. His sponsor said we need space so we can both heal, and that is a huge relief, I am all for it. I'm tired of being stuck in bed.
He took our daughter to an out of town medical appt this week, and my friend stayed with me to help out, since I'm still bedbound. While here, she was doing some cleaning and unearthed a coffee machine, so I texted my husband to find out if he wanted to keep it, since obviously it hadn't been used in a long time. He texted back "Leave my coffee machine alone". I texted back ok, I need to stop texting for now. But somehow that text triggered stuff in me, so I ended up shaking and crying for the next hour or so. It was miserable. I've had PTSD before, very abusive childhood, but worked past it to the point it seldom bothers me at all anymore, hasn't for decades (I'm in my 60's now). That's what this feels like - jumpy, easily startled, scared. Could I have developed PTSD from the past few years of his emotional abuse? He hasn't touched me, but he's raged big time, throwing things around and screaming and swearing. He's passive aggressive, and things he thinks are jokes don't feel that way to me. I've always been a strong person, dealt with things many people don't have to, bad childhood, disabled kids, way too many medical issues, without breaking. But he had my back for the first 35 years we were married. Now he doesn't, and I'm the target for all the anger he has for what happened in the service and during his own childhood. He just started AA a few weeks ago, and I hope it helps. But how do I cope in the meantime? I just don't fall apart, never have, have always been able to cope with whatever happened, with God's help. But now I'm so vulnerable that a possibly-but-maybe-not-angry text can trigger me. How do I do this?
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like not only you need to heal, but that traumatized child also needs to heal. "With God's Help", I am confident that you will grow stronger every day. Do you have someone you can talk to?
Thank you. I hope I will. I've never been this far down before. I do have a counselor, though I don't see him again until next week, and I have a very good friend, the one who was staying with me while my husband and child were out of town. She helped a lot. She's not al-anon though, and hasn't dealt with alcoholics, so she gave me her best support and sympathy and helped me calm down.
Just wanted to let you know that we are here and hear you.
I find that when I'm under the weather physically I am easily upset. I try to avoid any triggers that are not life enhancing. I love the idea of a gratitude list, and asset lists. Thinking about the good things in my life and my own capabilities (rather than failures) never fails to lift my spirits. I've even written them down so if I'm feeling really low I can get a quick fix.
It is still early morning here, the sun is just up and the sky is clear, my cat is sitting by the computer purring, the dog is by my feet and the birds are singing for all their worth outside. It is a new day! Sending (((((hugs))))))
Thank you, Milkwood! I didn't even think of a gratitude list. I did try looking at grandbaby pictures, which usually helps a lot, but it didn't work that time. Maybe I should have kept at it. But I can do a gratitude list today - tucked into bed, grateful for peope who understand, glad I can talk to my grand babies tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll try a capability list. That sounds like a really good thing to try when I'm feeling overwhelmed and sick.
Oooh, I forgot about my 'three best things of the day' - doesn't really matter what the day is like, there are always the three best things and thinking about those every evening is a real treat. For a while I kept a log of them in my journal and they really did add up - mostly little things, but after a week I started to feel like life wasn't so bad.
My heart goes out to you, try to keep the focus on you
And getting well.
i realize so much more as i detach from my dry xah. It
was all about Him not me. I did not understand any of
it either. I know one thing i did not deserve it.
Try reading the three daily readers, online meetings,
Speaker tapes. Anything alanon, do whats best for
You.
In alanon people will not tell you what to do, it is
about making your own choices as you grow in the
Program. It is strongly recommended to wait 6-12
months Before making any major changes or decisions
Unless there is abuse.
That way you Have enough alanon program to deal with
Things if the relationship Ends or maybe your changed
behaviors helped the situation. Alanon is about doing
whats in your best Interest for your growth and changing
In the program.
The theory is you should be able to have a joyful life
No matter what else anybody else is doing or nor doing.
You can not change or fix him only yourself.
I have found when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT) that I find it hard to keep the focus on me. After about 35 years of marriage my H became hostile about everything. Today I try to keep a gratitude list and pray every morning that I can live in the present and not the past or the future.
Thoughts and prayers for you...
Thank you, Mirandac. I don't know yet whether he will change enough that the marriage can be saved. It really is so much all about him. But not talking to him has helped. I'm gaining a little strength and was able to walk to the living room to watch a tv show with DD#1. I am very grateful for that. I'm still shaky, and it's hard to sleep, but I have more times during the day that I'm happy. Where can I get the three daily readers?
That's a cool acronym, pjwa. I'm always tired, sometimes hungry, lonely more than I would like to be, and angry less often than I was before I started AlAnon. So that's a little progress. Does HALT mean when you feel any of those things, you should stop what you're doing and eat or rest or at least ease up so you can process anger or loneliness? It makes sense. My counselor suggested breathing, praying and staying in the moment to ease the PTSD stuff. It is helping. But I hadn't thought of praying about that when I first wake up.I'm going to try adding that to my prayers too. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Lately when I've been unable to sleep or feeling crummy, I've come to read this forum. The support and understanding here help me so much.
You can usually purchase the three daily readers at
Face to face meetings, they also have a lending library
There are many good reasons to attend ftf, its where
Real changes can happen for us. It just takes time,
My therapist strongly recomended keeping up with my
Alanon So i could change and grow. It has been a
Painful yet healing journey.
I struggle sometimes with trauma, depression and stress
if i get triggered usually its work related now since i
Have no Contact.
There Are some online meetings twice a day here.
You can order books at amazon, courage to change,
one day At a time in al-anon, hope for today.
I want to attend a face to face meeting, but I'm still stuck in bed. As soon as I'm strong enough, I'll get to one. I'll try the online meeting here. It's at 6 pm PDT?
I was able to walk to the living room to hang out with DD this evening again, that was cool. But still having nightmares, when I can sleep at all, weird ones with trauma from the past and the present all mixed up together.
Thank you for the hugs, I felt them. I'm not sure how that worked, but it did. I'm sorry you have trauma too, it's no fun at all. But it is encouraging that you aren't triggered as much. I hope that day comes for me. I know it will, it has before. I just never expected my husband to be a trigger.
I'll see if I can order at least one book from Amazon. I have How Al Anon Works. Which one do you find the most helpful, of the ones you mentioned?
All the info about the online meetings are at the top
Of the page. To me they are very different than live
mtgs.
I am impatient sort so i get frustrated with the online
Meetings. I like to just sit and listen and relax.
That was well said about the trauma now coming from
Your husband. Its very unpleasant and it upsets your
sense of self. You question your Whole marriage and
its reality.
Keep focusing on you as best as you can, the daily readers
Help you understand the thinking and the program as
It works.
You hit it on the nose, I feel the same way. The rough childhood, kids whom have been abused by others, and certain things hit my PTSD, and for a bit, until someone can tell me, "It's ok," or "your safe", I crumble, never used to. Ok, so the first marriage I did, the second I didn't and this one I do if I feel I've done something wrong. My stress level because CPS is at my door and I'm so scared to loose my kids, even though I haven't done anything to loose them scares me. Just the emotional abuse can cause PTSD, it did with my daughter and someone that took care of her for two years. I say the wrong thing, or use the wrong tone my kids will have a PTSD episode, but because of mine, I'm generally able to get the girls lifted out of the episode.
