Im battling a cold and cough and thank g-d I have med-ical/Kaiser. Such a blessing to be able to see my doc,get meds,etc As a result,last 2 nights i havnt had much sleep coughing alot.

So Ive been thinking alot. First i write in a diary so it is all down on paper. I resolved that I will not tolerate any alcohol,drugs,pot in my relationship. Of course since I cant make anyone do what I want, I explained this to boyfriend. If he has a small drink 2x in the last 4 mths its alot. I dont care if I will be alone, etc I never want to deal with the nightmare of 24 yrs of coping and losing my self, my creativity etc

The I started thinking, Have I ever really needed a guy in my life? No, Im not co dependant like some might think. The last hubby just helped to make my living enviorment a bit better house wise etc From the Time I  was born, my mom used me as her right hand helper. I could write a back trust me..and i might even do that. Then with 3 marriages. I gave and gave of my skills,love,affection,trust etc I was the responsible party. I took care of getting to my med appts, worked,volunteered,cooked,cleaned,paid bills on time[ the time he tried was disatarous. I tried to teach him how to keep organized. He worked and watched sports and drank and drank and got court,finance probs, etc etc you all know it

The Last year, he was so out of it, it was as though i was on my own and its been since Dec 17th 2015 that Ive lived by myself in my own place. I take care of me. Boyfriend was told at get go my intentions to be independant etc. He supports me by encouraging that and also helps me with my panic by taking me new places so i can be calmer and have fun

So I am grateful for Alanon and all of you for opening my eyes and standing beside me all the time