The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my life has become unmanageable, that I can see.
My background. I was a single mother of 3, 2 are mine and I have full custody of my nephew. My sister died as a result of her drug use, and I had gained full custody of my nephew while she was still using. I have always kept a drug and alcohol free home. No party's not even social drinking at gatherings at my place. Everyone has always respected this boundary I established over 20 years ago.
3 years ago, my youngest was diagnosed with cancer. It was a rough treatment road, but she is now in remission <3. My then boyfriend, which was a very new relationship (less than 6 months) moved to the big city with me, while my daughter was in treatment. He looked after me while I looked after her. We lived in the big city for over a year, and then moved back to my small city, and he moved with me again. He use to live in a small town when we were dating. We were married 7 months ago. and it was after we were married I found out about his drug use. I knew he had issues with alcohol. I was just not aware of how bad it all was. He didn't drink while we lived in the big city. As far as I know, he did not use drugs while in the city either. We were busy, with treatment, and work.
Well, my husband of 7 months left me a month ago. Because he wanted to party. This was his second time leaving me for the same reason, since we have been married. The first time he left for 8 days and partied the whole time. I let him come back. This time, I told him it was his choice to leave, and it would be my choice to let him come back. I haven't yet. It has been a month. During this month, I came to terms with all my enabling behaviour, I am realizing all of co-dependent behaviour, focusing more on me, started going to al-anon, and trying to learn ways to stop my obsessive thinking.
I have expectations. I am trying to learn the meaning of healthy boundaries. I am wanting to learn how to be supportive without enabling. I have triggers too. And this is the only way I can understand addicts and alcoholics. As soon as I get triggered; I react in my typical unhealthy, does not solve but only contributes to our unhealthy pattern. As much as I do not want to react the way I do, I still do. So this is my only basis for trying to understand his behaviour. Because he has told me, he wants to stop, but he doesn't. This has created massive TRUST issues because I have the expectations of believing his promises and then it feels like it is a lie when I find out he is still using. He avoids me, withholds from me, and ignores me until he has sobered up. Because of my unhealthy reacting behaviour.
I told him he could come home after treatment and he gets a full time job, or goes to school.
He has been taking the steps to go to treatment. Seeing a D/A counsellor, going to the doctor, seeing a regular counsellor. but he is still using during all this. He has not gotten a job. He asked a few times if he could come home, I said no, because I have already paid for this months bills with no help from him. I have been the primary provider for the last year. I told him he would have to pay for half of everything when he comes back. I said I was not paying his way anymore. I don't pay for his bills (cell, insurance) I did pay for rent and out household bills.
Am I setting myself up for disappointment? I do love him and I do know how great our life can be. I didn't marry him to just give up on him.
Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for responding.
I can get so easily wrapped up in thinking about my partner - what he is doing, not doing, analyzing his behavior, choices... and then I am reminded. My Al-anon program is for ME, not him. I need to be concerned with myself, how I feel, and how can I improve the quality of MY life, with or without the drinker. How can I adjust my thinking to better support my own health needs - mentally, physically and spiritually. I like to envision my partner in my hands, and me 'giving' him over to my Higher Power. In my mind I say 'please take this on for me, because I am powerless to help him. '
I also remember when I was in the process of ending my 20 year marriage a few years back... I used to pray 'please help me save this marriage', and after some months in the program, my prayer turned to 'please help me to be ready and accepting of whatever outcome shall be'. It is really Step 1 work here - realizing my powerlessness over anyone's actions, choices or behaviors. No ultimatum or conditions in the world will effectively stop the alcoholic from drinking. That can only come within themselves - and the reality is- often times it never comes. I did not cause it, I can not control it, and I can not cure it. What I CAN do is take care of myself and commit to my OWN healing and recovery, regardless of what the alcoholic is doing or not.
Keep coming back <3
Hugs,
Cyndi
__________________
"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
gilbi - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared. Addiction/Alcoholism is such an expansive disease - it's hard to know if/when one will commit to recovery. However, based on what you've shared, I see healthy boundaries and I see a willingness to work on you and heal you. It's never easy to re-frame a relationship but in my world, absolutely necessary. My qualifiers take, take, take and then take some more until I am defeated and depleted. Detaching with love and setting boundaries allowed me the time/space necessary to work the Al-Anon program and get me back. It also showed me they are capable of taking care of themselves, managing or dealing with their issues, and consequences.
We try to focus on one day at a time, and take care of ourselves for 24 hours only. I don't see any mention in your post of Al-Anon meetings. It is at those meetings where I met and related to others who were going through similar things. Those who came before me truly helped me understand the insanity of the disease, my reactions/insanity and set me straight on a path to a better way to be/live.
I hope you will search out local meetings and attend some. Al-Anon gave me 'me' back and I am forever grateful for those who sent me to/through the door.
Keep coming back - there is always hope and you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Gilbi and welcome to the board from this side of the planet...you sound like you have tools you can use to carry out the necessary changes you need. Your "I love him" triggers me (nicely) because I use to say that when I was trying to get and keep my alcoholic/addict wife in tow and in view with me and not someone else in the rear view mirror. It didn't happen. I was told it wasn't love and just addiction...she had her chemicals and I had her. UGH. Being brand new in Al-Anon for me was other worldish...soooo different yet they were all smiling and happy and healthy. j I'm glad I came and stayed to find out I was responsible for the condition of my life before, during and after. This program works....when you work it. I am in support. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for posting with so much clarity - it is an awful disease isn't it and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. You are not alone and as I read your post I had a sense that you have a clear idea of what you can and can not deal with. Living with an alcoholic is more than most people can cope with and, in my own view, it does not help them, let alone us, to give up on ourselves just because we love them.
I found that when I was dealing with my own husband's crazy making behaviour it was helpful to listen to, and trust my instincts. I didn't have to believe everything I thought but I did need to be true to myself and my own belief system. Drugs and alcohol put a huge strain on relationships, and I found that letting go of my expectations (i.e. he will stop drinking in my case) and accepting that my husband was a free man who could make his own choices I became more aware that I had the same freedom and could make my own choices as well. I became more able to say what I needed in order to have a successful relationship in which I could thrive.
You've been through a lot so am sending you ((((((hugs))))))) and smiles that your youngest is in remission as well.
Thank you all for being so welcoming.
I went to my first Alanon meeting the same week he left and I still go every week š my second meeting was a family meeting and that one really opened my eyes.
It was in those meetings I learned about detaching with love, expectations and boundaries and putting the focus back on me and knowing that I have a lot of work (for myself) ahead of me, as I don't truly understand how to apply it to my situation. Yet. I am learning and willing to make my life better. I do know how to accept the worst and live through it.
I wanted to share my situation and where I am right now, so thank you for sharing and responding. I find listening to others helps me. I have a daily reader (Courage to change) that I read from almost everyday. And I also found alanon speakers on youtube that I listen to, especially when my thinking is starting to get away from me.
The only blessing I can take from this at this moment is that I am finally doing something for myself. The first time in 3 years. Where the focus has been put on me. I started volunteering more, to keep me busy and to get me out socializing and serving others.
I found this site when I was in my obsessive thinking mode and I wanted to read more about expectations. Grateful to have this community, I will keep coming back.
