I've been sitting here doing some thinking.  My ex-boyfriend was a meth addict.  He's the one I got involved with after giving up my baby.  I didn't know at first.  I never touched the stuff.  He beat the tar out of me.  Pretty regularly.  His addiction damaged me.  I was already depressed.  I became a shell of myself.  I didn't care about myself.  I didn't care what he did to me.  I was dead inside.

I almost died from the last beating I took.  That's when I realized that I did want to live.  I went to a DV shelter for a few months until a family member got her income taxes and bought me a plane ticket home.  I was still broken and depressed.  I didn't want to do anything.

My boyfriend got me out of the house.  Not dates at first.  Just forcing me out into the world.  He said something to me.  "I miss the girl I knew when we were teenagers.  Where is she?"  After a couple of months, we became a couple.  I was slowly lifting out of my depression.  He stood by me and encouraged me.  In October, I got a job.  I saved every cent and in December, I rented an apartment.  Back up just a bit.  I was going to work and doing my job, smiling and acting ok but I still wasn't.  I told my bf and said I wanted to ask the doctor about antidepressants.  He told me to do whatever I needed to do to be happy.  My ex used to say that no woman of his would take meds.  In November, I went to the doctor and told her how I was feeling.  I started medication.  Anyway, I got my apartment and my furniture consists of an air mattress and a couple of cardboard boxes I use as tables.  That's on my to-do list.  I had a friend help me with rides to work.  About a month ago, I bought a car, making me completely self-sufficient.  Over the last few months, my doctor and I have worked with my medications and dosages.  I have more energy and I can feel happy again.  My smiles are real.  The medication helped, but what helped the most was rebuilding my life.  I have full control over my life.  My life is mine.  I don't have to depend on anyone.  I'm me again, but a stronger me.  I've been through hell and survived.  So now, I know nothing can ever bring me down.

This brings me to my point.  I don't think we can experience true growth until we experience pain and hardship.  I was completely broken, but I put myself back together better than I was before.  I don't need anyone but me.  I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him, but I don't need him.  If we don't work out, I'll be really upset and I'll spend some time crying.  But I won't break again.  I've grown.  I had a needy love with my ex-husband and he began my destruction - because I LET him.  I allowed myself to be torn apart.  And when the ex-boyfriend came along, I didn't care enough about myself to leave so I let myself be broken further.

I had to learn to love myself.  I also had to learn to LIKE myself.  And I had to learn that I could survive all on my own.  I don't NEED anyone but God.  I will never allow myself to be dependent on anyone again.  I won't allow myself to need anyone.  That doesn't create a healthy relationship.  I've changed so much.  I'm the person I was meant to be.

This is me right after leaving my abusive ex:  http://i.imgur.com/cJo6558.jpg.  The face isn't too bad.  He always avoided my face.  But, my eyes are dead.  I have no joy, no hope, no fire.

This is me now:  http://i.imgur.com/Va9qlas.jpg  The fire is back.  I love this picture so much.  I can see my strength and confidence in my eyes.  I'm going to keep those pictures forever and look at them every day, just to remind myself how far I've come and what I've come back from.

If my boyfriend stays sober, we can build a life together.  If he proves that he can't or won't, I will move on.  And I'll be ok.  Because I am a survivor.