Welcome Cyndi In program I have learned to" trust my gut ". Keep coming back, work the program and more will be revealed.

We have gut feelings for a reason. Whenever I've ignored mine, things went downhill fast. I ignored it about a "friend" of my ex-husband's. She's the one he cheated on me with and abandoned me and our daughter for. I had another gut feeling about the next guy I dated, but I was too depressed to care. He beat me all the time and nearly killed me. Gut feelings come from your instincts, which humans used to use daily for survival. Now that we don't hunt for every scrap of food or have to worry about getting eaten by a lion ever time we leave the campfire, we have repressed a lot of our instincts and we've started ignoring our gut feelings. Trust yourself.

Welcome.  My experience is that we who get miserably involved with addicts do so because our warning systems are slow.  What would be a deal-breaker for a "regular" person is just a concern for us.  I know I have bypassed many concerns over the years: "He was just tired," "He probably didn't mean that," "I'll just explain it to him and I bet he'll stop this habit," "I shouldn't be too picky," "I wonder if I'm paranoid," "I'm lucky to get a good man, I shouldn't be picking over every little thing, I bet I couldn't get anyone else as good as him," etc.

To me the red flags in your situation are the DUI and the pot smoking.  I'm not into the drug scene myself and someone who smoked pot even once, that would be a deal-breaker for me.  If it's a kid who's 20, he might grow out of it (though I still wouldn't have gotten involved with him), but at later ages, they're pretty set in their ways and what you see is what you get.  And my experience is that however much of whatever habit you see in the early days, there's more of that you don't see.  Because people keep themselves hidden until you get to know them well.  Then they test you and slowly roll out the bad habits, checking to see if you're adapted to each stage before they reveal the next one.  In my A's case it was "Well, I have a drink from time to time," "Sometimes I like to drink, what's wrong with that?", "Are you saying I can't have a drink when work has been stressful?", "Well, work has been stressful again, what am I supposed to do about it?", "Sure I got a little drunk last night, that's what guys do, what is your problem?", "Are you trying to tell me what to do?  Are you my boss?", "It was only one DUI, those cops are corrupt, everybody knows that, I'd hardly been drinking at all anyway," "If I can't have one drink without you blowing a gasket - you should get help for your paranoia" - etc. - meanwhile he was stashing alcohol around the house, getting multiple DUI's which I only found out about later, etc.  So I saw only the tip of the iceberg, but it was denial and accusations from him all the way along. 

I have to say I wouldn't go through that again because now I'm onto how it works!  And the pain was intense and horrible.

I'm afraid I see many red flags in your situation.  The question I had to consider was "Why, in the face of red flags, hadn't I left?"  I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

Trust yourself, and take care of yourself.

IAH and I have another thing in common. My AH had quintuple heart bypass surgery 4 years ago. It was shortly after his recovery, that he got his DUI. After being laid up, in recovery, he found a new job. Unfortunately, just before he started, the school he was going to work for, gave the position to someone from within. Talk about anxiety. So, I fully understand where you are coming from. I believe it is difficult to get past that sort of thing. However, I also believe that, when able, you can concentrate on the fact that you are still here. That means you have a purpose in this world. Something good is coming for you, and for the world around you.

So, listen to your gut. I'm glad you are here!!

 

 

Aloha Cyndi and welcome again to the board...glad to have another supportive voice in this family. I see this post as being about "knowing, believing and change" for me which was my journey after I came into the program and asked myself the question, "Okay so what do I do with all of this ESH"?  It took me several years to decide to put the program to work in my life or live out the consequence of not doing that which was hard duplication of the years before.  It scared and depressed the hell out of me so I had to fight my own addictions, obsessions and compulsions which included jumping for any partner who was willing to abide with me whatever.  I married the women I drank with so I stopped drinking totally.  I committed to the program because it was so opposite mind, body and emotions of how I use to behave and I could only have the opposite consequences which I wanted. 

I read your post and see myself had I not done those suggestions and I was near duplicating it all until I stopped.  I know the addictive nature of our disease from both sides now and I admit I am powerless as long as I attempt my own control behaviors.  Today I am not married to an alcoholic and I know that isn't the true nature of my problem.  I know you have heard it said in the program "the only problem is me and the only solution is God".  Knowing that I walk softly and slowly and always within close range with my Higher Power that keeps me on the right side of my program of   "trust God, Clean House...Help Others".    Keep coming back...thanks for the share.  (((hugs)))

Thank you all for sharing your experiences so frankly, and in such a kind and compassionate manner.  I am truly inspired and touched - even with what I know in my heart is 'the writing on the wall', I feel a renewed strength that will serve me in whatever lies ahead as I make tough choices.  I am truly grateful.  

I have a meeting tonight and I will hold you all in prayerful thought.  

Hugs,

Cyndi

I can only speak from my experience. The pain caused by a relationship with a drunk was so imtense that I developed rigid boundaries about substances in future relationships. I don't care to be convinced what is or is not "a problem" when I know for sure, it is a problem for ME. Any more than 2 drinks at a time in appropriate social circumstances - NO. Any drugs period - NO. Smoker - NO. Those are not flexible boundaries for me. I am allowed to have them to keep my life sane and I wasn't and am still not open to debating these things. Careful of opening th door to be "convinced" of some things being ok to you that are not.

A partner dedicated to working on the relationship is good. But trying to change the way they are and act surrounding multiple substances when the guy is in his 50s and you haven't been dating that long...I dunno. Sounds like you have been cautious to not move forward too fast and it is for a good reason. You may love him, but I will say I had love for every person I dated for over 6 mos and that alone was not reason enough to keep us together. It had to be healthy and compatible love. That is worth waiting for and also worth not settling for less.

Not saying to break up...but DO pay attention to your gut. Your relationship, your rules, YOUR boundaries.

Cyndi, feel free to PM me. I think we peacemakers tend to try the tactic of "I'll just talk this out with him and see what his reaction is and if he understands my concerns."  It's what we're taught to do with normal relationship problems, and it's a good idea with normal relationship problems.  The thing with addicts, though, is that they're different.  Just to become an addict, they've had to develop a habit of lying and deflecting to themselves.  And lying absolutely goes with the territory.  I tried that talking-it-out thing so many times with my ex.  (That was before I found Al-Anon.  I was just a beginner about addiction.)  Sometimes he would say, "You're nuts!  My drinking etc. is completely normal!  Just because you were brought up by Puritans doesn't mean a little fun is some kind of addiction!  Get over yourself!"  Sometimes he would say, "Yeah, it was a little bit of a problem maybe once, but I'm going to give it up completely (or: mostly), which is easy as I'm not an addict, so no worries!"  (Then he might hide it for a while, but soon it would make its appearance again.)   Occasionally it was, "Okay, okay, I'll go to AA, no problem, will that satisfy you?"  Then he'd go for a bit - and then the relapse, the drunkenness, the chaos...

Basically, anything to keep me on the hook.  It kept me on the hook for years.  I'd keep thinking we were about to turn the problem around.  I kept falling for lies, too.  I never really found out the extent of his addiction till near the end.  Even when he "admitted" it, he never really told the whole truth.  But my experience was that they'll go to any length to keep us on the hook and keep the addiction.  We'll be trying to tell our honest truth, and putting energy into the relationship, and finding counselors, and reading books on how to make ourselves better, and enduring and hoping and trying ... and they'll be obeying the call of the addiction.  So much pain along the way.

Then, as I say, I had to face why I didn't leave earlier (before my life had become horrible misery and chaos).  So many reasons.  One thing I know is that it's a lot easier to get out in the early days than in the later ones.  And that there are much healthier people out there waiting for you, in abundance.  Take good care of yourself.