The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My anxiety has been through the roof over the last two weeks and I have lost five pounds. I hate, hate, hate this state of being because it steals me from the moment.
I can't get to any f2f meetings, because the kids occasional care center closed down and their fathers off the face of my earth for the next month.
I'm dealing with my past and I think I have ptsd from those years because I cant sleep, have horrible flashbacks and nightmares; every day is a battle to stay in now and not look down on myself. Things are taking so long!
I find myself holding my breath often and am just mad at myself. I needed to vent that so I can see it for what it is. It will have to be e-meetings for now.thanks for listening.
I know how you feel. I've been really anxious lately, myself. And I'm pretty sure I have ptsd from my ex. I've woken up screaming or yelling for help. One of these days the neighbors are going to call the cops and I'm going to have to explain why I'm screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night. And its so hard to get to sleep. I hate when there isn't anything else to do but wait. Time seems to move so slowly. And the whole time, its hard to breathe and you feel like you have an elephant sitting on your chest. I never sleep well, either. I'm completely exhausted but I just can't sleep. It's been 4 nights now. I've dozed a bit but I haven't gotten any real rest. Eventually my body is gonna shut itself down and I'll sleep like the dead, but until then I'm walking around in a haze.
If you come up with a good way of dealing with anxiety, let me know. Sometimes it helps me to read a book with a hot cup of tea, but I haven't been able to focus on the pages. And music isn't helping, either. I tried a hot shower. No dice. I can't shut my brain down. I can't stop thinking and I really need to just stop.
Anyway, my point is, you're definitely not alone.
((A41)) I found wriiting out a 4th and 5h step at times like this helps me to gain perspective on the anxiety and also provides important insights into my past destructive patterns. By seeing these, I can learn the lessons from the past and move forward.
Reciting the serenity prayer over and over in my mind and reading literature also helped to bring me back to the present moment.
(((a4l))) - huge hugs to you.....so very sorry that your suffering right now - my hope is that by writing it here, that gave you a bit of relief...I agree with Betty - when my mind is racing backwards or forwards, the literature, and the serenity prayer are very powerful for me to help me re-center. I am a big, "write about it, talk about it, pray about it" person - which is where the steps come in.
When I find myself worrying, my brain goes to one of my mother's sisters. She passed away unexpectedly from a post operative infection following a surgery. She and my mother were very different people and she always said, "If you are worrying, you are not praying." She was a lovely person and religious with an unshakable faith. She met/married an A, and they had 6 children. He could never hold a job, he wasn't a good father and the disease made him mean/abusive at times. Because of the teachings of her religion and the times, she was reluctant to divorce him, even when it was clear he was one who could not get recovery.
She finally did so, and managed to continue raising these 6 kids through private school & college without any assistance from him. The disease left it's mark on each of them in different ways, but they are loving, kind, functional adults. She done a great job, in spite of this disease. She also was stoic, patient, kind, loving, and easy to talk to. She was an incredible person who I admired from an early age until she passed and I often wondered how she did it.
When she passed, we found Al-Anon materials/literature among her things. She did it with the help of our program here is how. Looking back at her life, she certainly could have been bitter, scared, unpleasant, distracted, etc. - after all, she was in a nightmare for a long, long while. Yet, from the earliest of ages I can recall until she passed, I never saw that nor did I hear/see her ever say a bad word about him.
So, when I feel as if it's too much, and the worry is trying to dominate my mind, my HP puts her in my thoughts. I feel as if it's a "if she can endure and thrive with what she lived through, surely I can have faith enough to get through this day/moment." So - as my lovely aunt says, "If you are worrying, then you are not praying ... you can't do both at the same time." (the full statement)
You are not alone - may today be filled with present moments, and may you find peace!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too have had those Moments in my Life where the weight of the world Sits Heavy on my Chest and I Just Can't Seem to Pull it together... Very Grateful you Chose E-Meetings... Its a Better Option then No Meeting at all so Good for you
Sometimes for me it helps to Just Sit, in a Room by myself, and Take Slow, Deep Breathes while in my head Saying My Slogans "Easy Does It" "This too Shall Pass" & the Serenity Prayer... I Too often Feel better when I Sit Down and Get Honest about what I'm Feeling... and then I Give it to HP...
Just have to come on and agree with Betty. Once I saw my part, the anxiety got better because I knew where it came from. As for dealing with it: I found that journaling, sharing with program friends, and doing meditation really helped me when the anxiety got out of control.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
My anxiety recently reared it's ugly head for me. Yes, I had just had a scary health crisis, but I know myself enough to know that I would not have reacted so strongly over that, especially knowing I would be okay. I let my anxiety be a message to me - when I feel 'bad' like that, it is my inner voice/Higher Power telling me : 'something is not right'. Something is not in alignment with what/who I truly am. In my case, I became aware that it was my current relationship that was off in some way, and with further reflection - I realized I probably have a new qualifier. It was only in sitting with my anxiety and embracing it (rather than resisting it and trying to run from it) that I was able to absorb the message the anxiety was representing.
I started to see the anxiety as a gift - if not for the symptoms, I would not have been led to my program again, nor the self reflection (Step 4) I needed to do to get out of my denial.
Be easy on yourself, breathe, and get close to your HP. The rest will take care of itself. <3
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I know those pesky little breath takers and flash backs. It is so easy to sit and let them take over whilst waiting for. what was I waiting for?!
Meditation helped me a lot, it could then sit, watch the thoughts, politely ask them what they needed from me and, nine times out of ten, they said 'oh, sorry to trouble you' and just faded away. The rare thoughts that stayed in my mind told me that I needed to take care of something - it might be a self-hug, a sensual bath before bedtime, a bit of journaling or to phone a friend and listen to her news or it might be a practical issue that I was neglecting. What I didn't need to do was worry - I could either take action or relax and practise self care. BTW, I lost two stone to the worries and one of the things that I needed to do was get my strength up so I decided to eat things that I really liked and that gave me energy. Learning to cope with the worries in a way that suited me really empowered me and helped me to know that I was reliable and able to stand on my own two feet. I learnt that I had good friends and I wasn't alone at all!
The rare thoughts that stayed in my mind told me that I needed to take care of something - it might be a self-hug, a sensual bath before bedtime, a bit of journaling or to phone a friend and listen to her news or it might be a practical issue that I was neglecting. What I didn't need to do was worry - I could either take action or relax and practise self care. BTW, I lost two stone to the worries and one of the things that I needed to do was get my strength up so I decided to eat things that I really liked and that gave me energy. Learning to cope with the worries in a way that suited me really empowered me and helped me to know that I was reliable and able to stand on my own two feet. I learnt that I had good friends and I wasn't alone at all!