The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a daughter. I gave her up for adoption at birth. I had an agreement with her new parents that I would get pictures. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.
My ex-husband left me for another woman and abandoned me in California when I was 6 months pregnant. After I was trying to make our marriage work from infidelity. My daughter has a half brother who is older than her. He was a Marine and he had enough leave saved up that he could take 2 months of terminal leave. Which meant he didn't have to go to work and could go anywhere and still get paid for 2 months.
He didn't even tell me he was leaving. I was going to individual counseling as well as marriage counseling with him. I went home after my session and he was gone. I didn't have a job. No one hires a pregnant woman, either. I applied everywhere and got interviews. They would stare at my stomach the whole time and then say I wasn't the right fit.
My ex-husband, as a Marine, was legally supposed to give me a portion of the pay he was getting. He got paid nearly double just because he was married. That would have helped me get by. He didn't give it to me. I called his command and they said, "Yeah, he's supposed to, but he checked out so its out of our hands. There's nothing you can do." I got on WIC and food stamps. A nice woman at a church let me sleep on her couch because that was all she had.
My family was all here in Missouri and didn't have any money to help me to even get home. The same woman from church had a niece and nephew. Well, niece-in-law. They had been happily married for 10 years and desperately wanted a child, but couldn't have one. They were about to start the process of adopting from overseas. She put us into contact with each other. I met them, spent time with them, and got to know them. They're such people and good Christians. They're both teachers. I agreed to give my daughter to them. They promised that she would meet me when she was older and to give me pictures.
They took me to the hospital when I went into labor. They stayed with me the whole time. I got 2 days with her. I just had to hold her. I nursed her during that time. And after they took her, I pumped breast milk for her for the next 6 months. I wanted to give her the best start I could. I kept a log of everything I ate and drank and the times I pumped so if she got a tummyache, I could avoid eating whatever may have caused it. I met with them every so often to give them the milk and to just hold her.
Then, we separated. We all agreed that it would be too hard on everyone for me to be a constant part of her life and it would be confusing. But I knew she would be ok. I know they love her. Her mother had this amazing happy glow about her. She needed a diaper change one of the times I got to see her. Her mother went to change her and I sat and talked with her father. When he talked about her - the way his face lit up - I knew he adored her. And it made me feel better.
I loved her and wanted her from the moment I got pregnant. My ex-husband tried to say she wasn't his. I never cheated, so she was. I had no way to take care of her. I couldn't have given her what she needed.
I had to give her up. It was best for her. It broke my heart, but it would have been wrong and selfish to keep her.
My life got more complicated. I was able to get a job where I barely made enough to rent a room. And things got worse from there. I never got involved with alcohol or drugs, but I was deeply depressed.
A little over a year ago, I made it home. And I've rebuilt my life. I've been wanting to ask her parents for pictures for a long time, but for some reason, every time I tried, I got scared. I was terrified and I don't understand why. Finally, tonight I did it. I sent her mother an email. And I've been sitting here scared and crying ever since. I can't get to sleep. I don't even know why I'm scared. It doesn't make any sense. I don't think they'll tell me no. They're really good people.
I just want to see her. I want to know that she's ok. I'm sure she is, but its not the same as actually seeing her.
You are an amazing, wonderful person. Your daughter was blessed to have you as a natural mother and this family was bless because of your sacrifice. I have a great level of respect and admiration for unselfish people like you!
I suffered from infertility for a long time, then multiple pregnancy loss (4 babies - 3 pregnancies). Eventually I was blessed with an amazing daughter who I love more than life. My biggest failure is having raised her in an alcoholic home. She was, and still is, the apple of my husband's eye, but alcoholism is still an issue she will have to deal with because of us. He is one year sober on Monday!
Anyway, I pray they will send you photos and I know you would love to see her photo simply to know she is happy (which I'm certain she is).
I just could not help but say how great a person you must be to have given this couple such a blessing. Infertility can ruin a marriage and the want of a child can destroy you. Having a person give you the gift of s daughter is the most amazing think I can even imagine. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type for the unselfish love you have shared and I pray you find peace, serenity, and all that you need to live a very happy life.
Since we can "practice these principles" in all our affairs-- Alanon suggests that we" take the action"(as you have) and "let go of the results"_ (trust the outcome to HP ).
No response yet, but it's 10 am where they are. They're probably at church. Right? I have to go to work. No way to check for a response until 9pm. It's gonna be a long night.
Let it go whiskey (god that sounds odd) and go sit in the palms of your Higher Power. Imagine yourself doing that and relax. Imagine a consequence that isn't about hurting yourself any longer just for today. Standing with you. (((hugs)))
Not to be the Debbie downer here, but the reality that might need to be accepted is that you might not get a response today, you might not get a response this week, you might not get a response. You will be rewarded for you selfless act when your HP is ready. Trust in your HP.
I know I might not. But I think I will. If she's still using the same e-mail. But I don't have internet on my phone so I won't be able to check until I get home tonight.
Also, the aunt I mentioned is a friend on Facebook. So she could find me when my daughter is old enough to meet me. I sent her a quick message, but she was never one to check her facebook often. Maybe every few weeks or once a month.
What a beautiful gift you gave, to your daughter, and to this couple. Embrace that. I'm praying that you get a reply, but more importantly, I'm praying for peace for you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so moved by what you have been through, how you have gone through such incredible pain and sacrifice, and how you have pulled yourself up and keep going, one day at a time.
I totally get how you would want to see your child, and hold her again. I hope you receive photos, and are able to somehow find peace in that, rather than in longing for something that will rip the bandaid that you have been working to heal off again.
Hang in there... keep trusting in your HP... (((whiskeylullabye)))
Still no response. Of course, she may have changed her e-mail address. It has been 2 years. I'm going to give it a few days, then mail her a letter. I know their home address. If they tell me "no," I'll have to live with that. I don't think they will. I just need to get the message to them.
Hugs miss lullabye. There's a resilience about you which comes only from experience and a higher plan. I hope you get your answers, and applaud your effort, whatever the result.
What makes it even harder is the fact that I wanted her. I wanted her from the minute I found out I was pregnant. But, even if there was some way to take her back, I would never do it. They're the only parents she has ever known. I just want to know that she's doing well and get some pictures. I love her. She's theirs, but she will always be mine, too.
I hear you love. Of course you wanted her and yes, there's a part of you out there in the world and instinct seeks out that part. For myself, there were many complex emotional layers to loss of the still living, and it was a greif not commonly discussed, or understood. I sought counselling after seven years and recomend it if you can find the right person to handle this part of your life which deserves sensitivity and compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Xo.
I want to thank you all for being so kind. I never talk about this. I tried - a few times. Some people say, "You should have kept her. You could have found a way. You could have been a stripper." Something along those lines. I wanted better for her. I didn't want to have to wonder where I was going to get the money for diapers or baby tylenol or diaper rash cream or any of the other things babies need. I didn't want to have to "make do" and have her do without things she needed. Yeah, I could have kept her. It would have made me happier. But she would have suffered for it. I had to think about her first.
Other people tell me to just get over it. How can I miss someone I only knew for a couple of days? But I knew her for 9 months. I talked to her and sang to her and read to her while she was growing in my stomach. I sat down watching her move and kick. I had a thousand dreams and a thousand fantasies about raising her. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. I was insanely happy. And then everything imploded.
Other people just stare at me blankly. They try to understand but they don't get it. All of you - you've told me things I needed to here. You made me feel a little less alone. I know I did the right thing for her. Still, it breaks my heart.
Her parents are going to tell her from the beginning that she was adopted. Her mother made a beautiful little book with pictures of me and my ex husband - I don't want her to know that he didn't want or claim her - and my family. It explains that being adopted isn't a bad thing - it just means she has two families who love her instead of one. Her parents are going to read it to her every Christmas, birthday, and other holiday. They didn't want her to feel like she'd been lied to her whole life. And they promised to always let her know that I didn't give her up because I didn't want her. They're going to tell her that I did want her and love her with all my heart. I just had to give her up to give her a better life. So, at least she won't grow up thinking she wasn't wanted or wasn't good enough or anything like that.
And I'm crying again. I'm sorry for rambling. It's just - I've held all this in for so long and now that I've opened the bottle, it just keeps pouring out. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Good night. And thanks again.
And telling me that I'm a great person - I don't feel like I am. Yes, I gave them a precious gift, but I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to let her go. I love her parents. They're wonderful, sweet caring people. And they're going to be great parents. But, if I could have kept her, I would have. I gave her up because I had no other option. I couldn't have given her any kind of life at that point. I don't really think that makes me a great person. I just did what I had to do, even though I didn't want to.
My sister gave a child up for adoption and 26 years later her daughter looked her up; they formed a relationship, she has a granddaughter even and my sister said that before she met the adoptive parents she had massive fear that they would be condemning of her, how horrible she was to have not wanted her daughter! But, her fears proved unfounded, when she met the girls parents they were brimming with gratitude for my sister, thankful beyond words that she had given them this child to raise!
What makes you a great person is that you thought of HER and her best interests.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hi again. You ARE a great person. You just simply have to accept that. It is not only that you made the choice to give your precious daughter life, instead of destroying her (which many, many have felt they had to do & I do not condemn that choice, as it was theirs to make), but that you wanted ONLY THE BEST for her so much that you did read to her, sing to her, and even gave your own breast milk to her so that she could benefit when you knew you were giving her to a loving family to raise. This is why I feel you are so special!
Many people give away children. Some do it for good reasons and some for selfish reasons. It is not for me to judge. I can honestly say that you went above and beyond what you would expect a person to do when they give up their child for adoption. You made decisions based only on what was good, healthy, and positive for this child.
I've been keeping up with your posts and in reading them I noticed that you ended up in a severe domestic violence situation and in shelters, living with a meth addict and getting horribly beat. I can understand the getting beat part because that was my first husband! I know I will see him again one day, but it will probably be on America's Most Wanted! What a real sociopath he was! And he REALLY MESSED ME UP! Especially in my thinking and my reactions. This messed up thinking took me years to bounce back from, if I truly ever will.
This relationship also made me a different person. I still struggle with some issues from that time and I was married for a brief period of time (at age 18 for a year or two - I honestly can not remember how long because I block him out so effectively most of the time). The thing was that I know you would never have wanted your daughter to witness your beatings or to have been subjected to the life you have lived. You are a great person to me for not making her live like that and "calling keeping her love" when your love was so clear by giving her up.
I wish there was a way to help you feel more at peace right now. You have come so far. You are amazing to me!
You remind me of myself in some ways, but I can honestly say I had anything I could ever have wanted growing up and, although I went through some horrible things to say the least, I have a life now where I am in a position to pretty much do whatever I want (with physical limitations of course).
I have thought about it many times and I can honestly say I would not have had the courage to do the things you have done. Please know that you should be very proud of your decision with your daughter. She has opportunities that you never did and that is because of your selflessness and willingness to put her life and happiness before your own.
Whether or not you make contact, you know you gave given her a real chance to be happy and have given other the chance to love a child with all of their hearts. Yes, I do think you are amazing!
