The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
as some of you know from my post last night he had been binge beer drinking and was passing out at about 6:30 PM. I went into another room and did my steps, I didn't try to wake him up or argue. his son was in his own room playing on his phone. I read I watched some TV and eventually fell asleep . sometime around midnight I heard him come in to the bedroom and he fell asleep. a few hours later I could feel him reaching for me, because obviously he wants to have sex, so I just kind of pulled away and covered myself in the blankets and we fell back asleep. then he tries like two more times during the night! finally around 6 AM he's mumbling to me that he really wants to have sex and I said I'm sorry but considering last night I'm really not in the mood. so instead he just keeps begging please because he's really (excuse my language) hard and wants me. so out of anger I pulled my pants down and I said go ahead get some!whatever! I don't even care! I really thought he would feel bad but instead he just goes no no not like this, but five minutes later he reached over and got some. I stayed silent and after he was just like well today's a new day and I am sorry about last night, I am trying my best and I love you. Ladies.. Im a smart woman.. but isnt this such selfish behavior? And I got so sick of him begging I caved! uggggg
Sounds like a familiar scenario, it was like that nightly for years. I don't know why he started being like that, It destroyed what had been a good physical relationship; I felt like he was asserting ownership or something; it certainly wasn't fun in any way. Basically I had to endure in order to get some sleep and half the time once wasn't enough anyway. What i do know is that I won't endure that kind of abuse/exploitation and I wish i had decided that a long time ago! I wish that instead of caving every night just so i could sleep, I had told him from the very beginning that if he was going to treat our sex life with such selfishness and lack of respect he could enjoy it all on his own, but I didn't, I put up with it for years and years and now there's really nothing good left physically, which is a shame. If I'd refused to endure it, it might have turned out very differently; he might have had to engage and consider me and my needs. I thought I'd lose him if I complained too much or witheld sex. Really, really bad move on my part it turned out
You deserve to do something good for you after that horrid night! Long hot bath? Meeting?
Hugs!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I endured selfish love-making before I got sober.....I got sober before I got married. As part of our marriage discussion, I did request that we ensure love-making is mutually gratifying for both EVERY time. So - I set a boundary before marriage/relapse. I've held true to that boundary for 25 years in 10 days.
I am selfish when it comes to this - I don't do 'it' to please another. So - having said this, when I've been approached by my AH under the influence and in the mood, I've said NO loudly and one time only. If he doesn't get the message, one of us is going to the couch. It only happened one time as I stated my boundary the next day and suggested if he planned to drink he should plan to sleep on the couch or in the spare bedroom.
The program and a sponsor can help you work through this and how to set up boundaries for sanity. I fully understand where you are coming from and it's not a 'good feeling' at all. Almost like being used up or dismissed.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Healthy boundaries are for you and your own
Protection mentally, emotionally and physically.
When my dry ex started acting rageful i slept in
the Spare room even after sex. His behaviors were
Scaring me. I had a right to be safe in my own
Bed. It only took a few instances of rage and the
Marriage was already all but over.
His problems were all about him and where he
Was at. You have rights as a human being to
Be safe and treated with respect and dignity.
This is where healthy boundaries come in and
Loving detachment. Face to face meetings help
You learn the tools and grow and change from
The inside out. Its a process and it takes time.
I had weak boundaries with my xah he was fine
Much of our marriage i did not need to be self
Protective then it was hard to change my behaviors
When i needed them and grow a backbone thats
Where alanon comes in.
(((Aerin))) You just presented a perfect example how we abandon ourselves and lose our self esteem and self respect. Learning the painful lessons from the situation and establishing a "Plan B" for the future will help.
I can relate to this. I kind of think for me I played the martyr victim role in many ways in my relationship, mainly as an attempt to stop him drinking because I thought his guilt this time might make him change. Learning I had no power, none, nada, zero was freedom. Boundaries for your own behaviour is the way to change it.
Aerin sending you love and support on your healing
Journey. This is just a bump in the road, i wish i did a lot
Of things different with my ex in our relationship. I was
All for keeping the peace and not hurting his feelings.
What about mine? i kick myself so much now especially
After starting to detach from him. Detachment is a great
Tool yet its one of the hardest ones. Lots of program work
Helped and loads of meetings. I found me again.
I spoke to him last night and said just as i have set boundaries during his sobriety attempts that boundaries WILL exist with regard to sex. I said that he had been disrespectful and selfish and I refuse to ever be treated that way again. He looked surprised and said he just thought it was a "new day" and I was ok with it ( in some ways I think he still had alcohol in his system and caused him to still be kinda out of it) He is never like this if not drinking. Anyway glad I looked him in the face and stated MY boundaries clear n serious. Then I walked out of room and went to bed. đđ»
Good Job Aerin. Yes, It is a new day with new boundaries established from lessons learned from the experiences of the past. That is how it works and how we all grow. That is fine.
Good going on the boundaries, just stick
To them once you state them, thats the
Hard part. Only give ones when you are
ready Willing and able to back it up with
action even if its not verbal.
Sex is a biggie in marriage, its not a Weapon,
And withholding has consequences. I still
Had sex toward the end, he was not physical
With anyone, and i was not ready to make
That stand, the marriage is all but over no
Sex in my marital brain.
Now i wished i had done different in so Many
ways. The past is the past and can not Be
changed or undone.
Sounds lovely to me - I find it is through discomfort that I learn new things and where to put boundaries. I am proud of you that you were able to talk to him/with him about it...keep on moving forward and remember always - progress, not perfection!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
