I am a bit reluctant to put this out there as don't want to make any assumptions but in my many years working in mental health I have seen this in individuals whom have sexual abuse issues in their backgrounds and also a variety of mental health issues particularly in schizophrenia.

My ex-AH was and is absolutely like this.  Describes him to a T.  He has ADD so bad that it's almost like brain damage, plus Asperger's.  Add to that that he's a hoarder and that he's drunk some of the time, and this is what you get.  He has trouble throwing anything away, for all the reasons hoarders give.  "I might need it, it's fine, I'm sure I could salvage it, it hasn't gone bad yet, I'm going to throw it away tomorrow..."  After he stayed with me once, years after we had separated, I looked under his bed and found money, clothes, dirty dishes, part of a ham in its packaging, etc. etc. etc.  It was beyond gross.  His daily hygiene is not so good either, but he declares he just doesn't buy into all that crazy bourgeois stuff about showers all the time, he's too sensible for that.  He's just on a different wavelength, is the truth, and the Asperger's means that he doesn't really get why other people have the reactions they do.  He just thinks they're nonsensical.  Remember that Asperger's can look different in women, not so much the computer geek stereotype.

At the same time my A can look fairly functional to outsiders.  He lives in this chaotic way even in his long sober periods.  I think it's part of the brain weirdness that helps cause the alcoholism, to be honest.  Not easy to deal with from up close, though.

Thank you Mattie and Milkwood, I had to have this discussion with my AH just this week. He works in an asphalt plant and I often have to insist that if he wants to sleep in the bed he needs to get a shower. I actually showed him his once snow white pillow case. I never thought of the poor self esteem angle. I do worry about adult ADD and think that sometimes he drinks to slow his brain down. He cannot remember anything! Nothing is organized he cannot remember where he left things and he was never like this before rehab. The pcp mentioned alcoholic dementia but I honestly think its ADD. Interestingly, the Asperger's, I often thought that of my AH and his father who is also an A, they say and do things as if everyone else in the entire world is stupid. Very pompous at times. Then wonder why people get offended. Hmmmmm

So sorry pinkchip - I can tell it's pulling at your heart. You appear to really want to reach her and offer her hope. With my son, there were times I left and was just in shambles - mentally and emotionally. I did what we are told to do and just prayed to God to help him find something to spark some hope. Often when things improve, he will make mention of something that lets me know planted seeds do grow. Other times, I feel he has been uplifted by our HP and is headed to the right path.

It's hard to see young people give up on themselves - for whatever reason. I'll add you and her to my prayer list - know that positive thoughts are coming your way too!

(((Hugs)))

 

Pink I use to see it as the "Oh What's the use" malady the depressive justification syndrome.  I didn't have a lot of clients with that problem and the ones that I did were not as severe as what you're dealing with.  Only one of the things I used what holding the client to responsibility daily to contact a case worker before the end of the day for an inspection or sitting in on an inventory session with the other peers who could use real honesty with how they say and felt about the situation.  I took pains that the inventories didn't get out of hand because the cliental wasn't all that straight themselves.  We stated progress both in individual sessions and group sessions so that the client would hear from peer and counselor and asked for feedback from the client who was going sideways.  We didn't make a huge issue of doing the right thing because doing the right thing rarely deserves an applause.  Gratitude yes applause only sort of.   I've never seen it go to the extreme you mention.  ((((hugs))))

Mark, here is an article on ADHD in women and how it looks different from its presentation in men:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/adhd-is-different-for-women/381158/?utm_source=SFFB

In some ways this sounds a lot like your description.  In my case, I think part of my A's drinking was a (bad) way to cope with the fact that he felt so overwhelmed by his life and his inability to stay on top of things, not lose his phone permanently every second day, not lose his car keys not to mention his car, etc.  Of course drinking made everything more chaotic, so he drank more to escape from that, and so on...

Is it possible that she has FASD? One of my daughters has this, from damage to her brain when her birth mother drank before she was born. She has a great heart, and is high normal intelligence, but basic hygiene has been a huge struggle for her. Even at nearly 30, she still needs reminders to shower, and her apartment is a disaster. We worked with her so hard on so many issues, but the brain damage makes it so hard. She looks lazy from the outside, but the truth is, she's doing her very best to process all the inputs with the brain she has, and she just can't act normal, no matter how hard she tries. (FASD stands for fetal alcohol spectrum disorders.) People with FASD have addiction issues, very poor executive function (no common sense), trouble following through or organizing anything, major ADD, trouble reading social cues, poor impulse control, trouble maintaining emotional balance, trouble with the law. They literally need an "external brain", someone to keep them on track in life. As they get older many do learn ways of coping, but the basic rule of thumb is a person with FASD has the capabilities of a person half or less their actual chronological age. Sorry to go on about this, but it's close to my heart, and I know so many people with FASD slip through the cracks because their verbal skills are so often much better than their ability to actually understand concepts.
G

It warms my heart to see folks who care and follow through. Pinkchip - you are quite a gem!

 

 

You get to watch and be apart of the miracle PINK.  HP is using you and you get to understand that HP listens to the prayer, "Lord make me an instrument of your peace..."  Instrument you are.  

Awesome, Pinkchip! I know it means so much to have someone on her side!

PC,

1st, let me say ... bless you for caring and being a part of this young girl's life.

2nd, I would definately explore the possibility of sexual abuse. I adopted a 4 yr old girl that had been sexually abused around 18months-2yrs and even though she didn't have any clear memory of it, it did effect her life down the road. She was classified as an unbonded child and she went thru some of the same things you are describing, not bathing, wearing dirty clothes, etc, etc. The therapist told me that sometimes these children will act out in not bathing because it is the ONLY thing in their lives that they can control and we both know that abused children have an overwhelming need to control their lives to whatever extent they can. There is nothing that society can do to FIX this child and make her whole at this point in time, but she can be taught how to survive - I think the best any professional can do is educate her on how/why she does what she does and give her the tools to counteract her own behavior going forward and bring some quality into her life.