The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Is there anyone on here that is working through adjusting to life with a man who is working towards sobriety and is doing well (He started rehab April 2015 and relapsed twice, last relapse August 2015) AND at the same time also trying to not only forgive the alcohol but is having a harder time forgiving the 3 year (intense) affair he had before he hit bottom and decided to get help. (He was an alcoholic in all for about 6 six years). I feel I am having a harder time putting the affair behind me then what he did during the alcohol. Some days I lump them together and some days they are separate to me. I am more sad over the affair. I have tried alanon but I have not found anyone yet I can relate to that lived through an intense affair and then is now trying to support her recovering husband while working through the affair part as well.
((Hopeful))) I hear your pain and so understand. My hubby had a brief affair while he was active in his disease and it was extremely difficult for me to move past it.
Working the Steps, with a sponsor and attending meetings regularly helped in the process .
I finally saw that If I was going grow and find joy and happiness in my life once again , I had to stop hurting myself by refusing to let go of the past infidelities.
I worked hard on Steps 4 through 11 and today I can honestly say I am free of that pain.
I found that it works when I work it. You are worth it so please keep coming back.
I hung around members like HotRod because of their experience, strength and hope and I listened intently for their "gems" which got them what it was that I wanted.
My alcoholic/addict wife and the addict before her has so many "affairs" I use to have a thought that my Alcoholic/Addict wife would sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry until another member added my name to the list also. She understood more than I did and I came into acceptance of how I got into a relationship with my wife. It was doing the anger and jealousy period in the program that I arrived at the QTIP anagram Stop taking it personally and I had to work hard at understanding and accepting the understanding. The disease was moving me at will always in a sick, negative direction until I learned to accept that my wife was a very very sick person and it had nothing to do with me other than the little part I played in it.
I love this program...it works when you work it...It works well. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I am not as wise as Hotrod yet and I still trip up on memories of AH's affair. However much 'it wasn't about me' there is a part of me that feels that I just didn't matter at all then and loads of other sick thoughts that arrive in my head, usually when I am feeling tired or lonely or low in self esteem. I understand the difficulty you talk about.
Things that I do to try to combat this.
I support my husband as much as I can in his sobriety but I know that I have my limits and that they are, for obvious reasons, lower than they used to be. It will take time for me to heal and my recovery is, for me, the most important one.
When my mind gets into a loop about the other woman I say 'stop it' to myself. I have a bank of good memories, mostly associated with friends and other family, that I draw on at times like this.
I recognise that thoughts about the affair don't do me any good at all and that it is my job to find new things to think about, do, engage with that can fill my head instead. I don't know about you but I need to be able to look back on my day and say 'yes, I'm pleased with that painting, cleared room, lovely walk or whatever.' On days when I am feeling especially hung up I still have a touch of the 'I'll show you.' about doing fabulous things for myself, but the end result is that I am doing some lovely things for myself either way!
Basically, I started to look at when these thoughts came to mind - what was I doing, or not doing, to trigger them. Nobody other than me can stop these thoughts - it is the job I need to do for myself. (And boy did that tick me off for a while!!!!)
Finally, and this is a new one for me, perhaps 'getting over the affair' is not something that I am going to do within the marriage. Perhaps I am not ready to trust my husband yet and I am using these memories as a tool to keep my emotional distance from him. I am not sure how fair this is to either of us by the way and I don't recommend it as a constructive approach! However, whether I stay or leave the outcome is going to be the same - I need to be happy living with me for the rest of my life and it is up to me to find my own definitions of who I am and fill my own life with things that interest me and make me feel good about myself.
Outside of this list, it took two years of sobriety before my husband would even vaguely engage in relationship counselling - it was a nightmare and just led to a whole load of new abuse.
To finish on a positive note - I've done some lovely and positive things for myself since the affair - a writing course, a counselling course, walking holidays with girlfriends, started painting again, learnt to quilt, taken up yoga. And there are lots of other things that I can see myself doing in the future as well!
I would recommend going to face to face meetings
As many as you can. Alanon helps you get strong
From the inside out.
Its strongly recommended when one is attending AA
Then the other attend alanon so both of you are in
recovery.
When i arrived at alanon i was on rock bottom, i cried
And just sat and listened learned and absorbed all
The Wisdom i could And i did that for as long as it took
Its a journey you learn about you. The tools and the
Ways of the program such as good and healthy boundaries
And loving detachment.
I hear you loud and clear on the affair my dry ah is now my
Xah. He wanted out of the marriage and unwilling to work
On anything even in recovery. I had enough Alanon by then i
was Able to deal with my reality and stand my ground.
Affairs are difficult to work through in the best of circumstances. My ex-husband had an affair. I tried to give him another chance and we went to marriage counseling.
The biggest thing: you both have to be willing to work on it. One person can't do all the work of repairing a relationship alone. I learned from experience. I put my all into it and he didn't make any effort. I got hurt more in the long run.
You need to look deep in your heart and ask yourself if you can ever truly forgive him and trust him again. And I would look at each issue separately. Lumping them together would make it too complicated, I think.
Thank you all so much for your replies. We see a counselor and I have to say he is willing to work on anything to stay with me. He will be sober one year in August. He refuses to leave and continues to tell me we will get through this. But I still have pain. Part of the hard part is although he has cut all contact she will always be around. His siblings are still in contact with her since oddly enough his affair was with his first cousin (my father in laws sister's daughter). it is an odd situation for sure
Personally, I had a very difficult time with my ex-H's affairs...yes. that's plural. I think that, even after counseling, with several different counselors, I was having a hard time getting past the affairs because I was trying to find fault with myself. What was wrong with me, that he felt he had to cheat? The fact was, his behavior, was HIS behavior. It had nothing to do with me.
It could be that with the drinking, it is easier to accept that the behavior of our A, is their problem, and not take responsibility, or they do it because of something we do wrong? I don't know. That's just my thought on it.
I'm glad you shared this with us, and I encourage you to come back. There's so much help here.
It will take time for me to heal and my recovery is, for me, the most important one.