Wow, this really hits home for me today!!! Both I and my best friend are married to addicts. Mine is in recovery and was solely limited to alcohol. Hers is not in recovery and his drug of choice is prescription and OTC medications. We have both been to H*** and back with the issues addiction brings into the household and, although she is 15 years my senior, we both have serious issues with the true sentiment of this reading.

Both of us tend to give, and give, and give, and give until there is nothing left and then we shut down and close another human being out, as if they had never been in our lives at all. It is a very odd and somewhat sad way of coping for unmet needs or plain and simple aguse (physical, emotional, sexual, or any other type you can think of). At times, it is easy to forget the people who heaped this aguse on our individual heads ever even existed. It is because they existed, however, that each of us had began this coping mechanism (many years before we met each other). This issue (and some other similar issues) were actually how we developed our common bond and close friendship!

It is so difficult to face feelings, even now, a year into my husband's sobriety. Though we seldom have real disagreements anymore, I find it vey, very difficult to keep myself in the present and to keep from reacting when he and I aren't on common ground. I still tend to be all or nothing and still struggle with my own actions/reactions rather than just shutting done and being ready to call it quits.

Just this week, he had what I would consider a selfish, "dry drunk" type behavior rear its ugly head. For me, it was as if he had thrown ice water into my face. I did everything WRONG! I reacted like a complete idiot! I called him dozens of times simply because I was out of control and couldn't seem to stop myself. I lost control of all of my program tools and could find no way out, so I acted like I had no idea what a grown woman, in her mid 40's, with a great deal of higher education and a 16 year old daughter who is already in college would, or rather should, do.

When I finally sat down with someone to discuss my behavior, I even told them I knew how I was behaving and that I knew it was insane! I knew better, but couldn't seem to stop my temper tantrum(because that was what it was to be completely honest). It was a grown woman pitching a temper tantrum worse than any 3 year old could ever have done! Even after I gained control of my faculties, I still reacted stupidly with an all or nothing attitude. My way or no way!!!

Thank God my program came back to me by the next day because I was sorely in need of a good reminder of how to behave. I still would not give him the "time of day" and he was still "being a jerk", but as the next day dawned, my HP had taken over, as I prayed he would do, and we were both compelled to act I our right minds again.

I cannot say why this particular incident caused me to backtrack so far or why I fell into the throws of alcoholism sickness and craziness once again, but I surely did. Perhaps it was to remind me that I am still a miracle in progress just as much as he is. Whatever the reason, I pray my HP helps me learn from my mistakes this week (am he from his) and that we have a lovely night away tomorrow (as we take the time to spend an evening just for us, including a nice hotel and a day of relaxed enjoyment. If it does not turn out one would hope, that is OK too, because I have no true expectations or plans and I don't believe he does either, we simply want to take these prescious few hours to get to know each other a little better again and to do whateve we feel like at the time, so long as we do it together. After all, it will be a new day, with a whole new chance to enjoy life on life's terms, without worry or expectations.

I pray my HP will help me stay in the moment and not fall back into the sickness I did earlier this week! We are both still learning to feel our feelings and both are working to regain the love so lost to alcoholism.