The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex-ABF decided to reach out after 3 weeks of non-communication. The last thing he said to me was that I needed to let him handle his s&^t.
So, I did. I haven't reached out, and I've been going to meetings, reading, and learning that there is nothing I can do over this situation. He's 9 years sober, I don't think he goes to meetings but I wouldn't know, and April is his anniversary month.
He suddenly texted last night to tell me that when I reach step 8 that he expects a replacement to the sleeping bag that my dog destroyed when we first started dating.
Really? What was the point of that? This sleeping bag has been the bane of my existence since it happened.
I didn't respond. I had a little cry, and then just got angry. I've run it over my mind a hundred times how to respond, and nothing will be good. So I say nothing.
I'm so sad. Until yesterday, I thought that maybe if I gave him space and kept working on myself, that we could salvage the 30 year friendship that we've always had (I've known him since high school, and didn't know he was an alcoholic the whole time I've known him)
I know it's just him not believing that I couldn't reach out this whole time, and just throwing something out there to see if I'll pick up the rope. I didn't...but I can't stop thinking about it.
I got no sleep, and predict a very non-productive day at work.
Thanks for listening, just needed to vent. Just...why do they have to be so mean?
Marnie - glad to hear from you and 'see' you around. My qualifiers used to bait me like this and my best strategy was like yours - I chose to not respond. The best part about recovery is we get to work it in our time frame and our way. I am one who was raised to return calls, answer questions/emails, RSVP, etc. I learned in this program I could actually ignore craziness/drama that was none of my business.
My qualifiers can be triggers for me, so I try to turn them over when their isms are showing. I pray for them and keep my focus of action on me.
I believe that emotions shown to others truly reflect what someone is feeling on the inside. If you believe your A is mean, he's probably mad at himself. During my step work in the AA program, I found this to be true often. I never realized how illogical my thinking was until I worked the steps and became willing to change. Alcohol is but one symptom of the disease - the isms remain unless one chooses to change.
Hang in there and keep coming back! You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes, how do you respond? It sounds like this will keep coming up. Is it possible to buy a gift card to a sporting store as an amends and say, we're even? He wouldn't be able to use it against you any more. Might be a weight off your shoulders.
I agree with Leah, I would just buy him the damn sleeping bag and send it to him. That way he can't throw it in your face anymore. It does sound like he is just trying to get a rise out of you. Good that you didn't pick up the other end of the rope. Keep focusing on you and moving forward. Best wishes.
If it was me, I would buy him a really nice hot pink sleeping bag. Maybe with princess written on it.
Lol.
Sorry, it sounds very frustrating. My ex AH was like this, sometimes it seemed like all he cared about was getting his pound of flesh. And how ridiculous for him to try to get in your program and make it about him; he ought know better than that!
Anyway I hope you manage a far more peaceful sleep tonight. Lunch time meeting perhaps?
Hugs.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I'm sorry he baited you like that, and I applaud you for not responding last night. Definitely buy him the sleeping bag, in whatever color you would like, and move forward. As much as his text, and his actions have hurt you and angered you, that is on him. Your choice is in how you respond to it. Keep taking the high road! Hugs.
Hi Marnie, I just wanted to point out that" Step 8", ( the Amend step )is far down the road in Step work (for a reason ). It is the 4th step from the last Step-. Because much work is required before we are able to make appropriate amends.
Before we are ready or able to make amends, we need to examine our defects and assets, see what we do to hurt ourselves and then have HP give us what we need.
Many times I found that my main defect was abandoning myself, buying into what others accused me of and saying, "I am sorry" continually.
If after examining the situation with the sleeping bag and the dog , you can clearly see your part in the situation you might want to replace the bag or you may need to take a different action .
If I responded at al I would merely say "Duly noted" and let it go .
I'm nowhere near the 8th step. And, I've apologized more times than I can even count for this one particular incident that has been brought up several times. It's like the one thing that he feels he can hold over me to keep poking the bear.
It's just gotten stuck in my head, which is exactly what he knows he's done...which just makes me angrier.
I am praying very hard to find the strength to stay strong, and not buy into the crazy. He wants drama (which he always accused me of, as well), and I just can't engage - as much as my mind keeps going over every response I can send him.
I like "duly noted"... wish I had thought of that last night. He just wants to hurt me, which hurts worst of all. But, I think answering at all will just blow the situation out of proportion.
I'm so sad. This person has been such a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. And the entire relationship is reduced to a sleeping bag with holes in it...
I Just have to Say I Think you did a Wonderful Job
To be this Early in and Not "React" or Ever Respond is Amazing... I Myself have Always been a Reactor ... Thanks to many Years of Practice, I Now know what it Feels like to Respond with a Clear Head and it Truly is a Blessing to break such a Habit for me...
My ADad, Which is how I Found MIP... I Lost him to Alcohol in 2008... He was the Sweetest Most Kindest Person you Could Ever Meet, Till he Wasn't... His Words could Cut you Wide open with One Stroke, and the Next Day, he was that Other Guy, Kind Loving all over again like Nothing Happened... He Never Wanted to Hear about his Mistakes, but Boy he could cut you down on yours if He Felt Threatened or like you was Looking at His...
This Disease is an Ugly one, and just when we think they are Predictable, or we Become Accepting of Who they are, they become something else... This Program, and these Steps and the Wonderful Encouraging people I have met on this Journey TRULY Have Saved me From Myself and My Insanity.... I Come from a Long Line of Alcoholics, and I Myself am Now 5+ years Sober thanks to All these People... I had to Let Got of Many People in my Life, to have a Chance at this, and tho some I Still Miss, I just know how Toxic they were to my Recovery... I Still Love them and think of them but have Had to Learn to Live without them... And its been a Journey... I Pray for them Daily in Hopes they too Can Walk thru the Rooms of Recovery, and Live a Happy Life...
You are Doing A Great Job... And I Promise ya... The More you Share, Work the Steps, Make Contact with F2F Meetings and Put yourself out there, you too can Grow into something that when those "Pings" Come at you... They Don't Sting Near as Hard, but We Come to Realize, its their Disease... Not Ours to Own... Tho it Times we Wonder...We Remember the 3 C's.. I Didn't Cause It, Can't Control it, and Can't Cure it...
SO... Please Take what you Like and Leave the Rest...
I want to remind those who are new that we don't give advice - we offer Experience, Strength & Hope to each other. We can all sit here and spout off that we'd buy a sleeping bag and/or a gift card and/or - but the reality is we're not walking a mile in the shoes of the member here. I just wanted to throw this out here as it makes me uncomfortable when advice giving is contrary to what the program is all about.
I know if I post a problem and you all tell me what to do, it gives me anxiety AND a license to act - which may not truly be in my best interest at this time.
Take what you like and leave the rest....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yep totally agree IAH, and would like to point out that I was kidding, and you are the only person that knows the right course of action for you!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
MissMel - I knew you were kidding!!! Just wanted to put out a gentle reminder and you summarized nicely - the only person that knows the right course of action is you for you!!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((marnie))) - I just took a nap - that's too funny.....I have not been sleeping too well lately (ever) and will be out and up later tonight than usual.
No worries Leah - just wanted it out there.....I am also one that wants to help and offer advice, but in working the program, I have learned that when I am wrapped up in another person's problems, I am not tuned into my own.
My intent was just a gentle reminder all - we are a family and need to be as honest as possible (or see I felt at the time I typed...)
(((Hugs))) to all...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for making me aware of what I did wrong, IAH. I apologize for not participating correctly. I'm a fixer too...one of my issues that I need to work on.
No problem at all sweetness - this may already be known to you and other new members, but there is a whole lot of information at the official Al-Anon website...
http://al-anon.org/
Edited to add.... When I first found the program, the site caused me a few more questions than answers, but part of that was my own crazy brain and part of it is I WANTED TO FIX THEM and not me.....
-- Edited by Iamhere on Friday 8th of April 2016 02:23:09 PM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for that. I did read it, but in my newness to this all, I guess I wasn't recognizing what I did wrong, in playing along with the sleeping bag thing. I see now that I said more than just that. Thank you for pointing that out. I certainly do not want to do anything wrong here, and indirectly advise someone, when I should just encourage. :)
Sometimes I look at ridiculous situations like this (for example, I had a really difficult neighbour that caused humungous drama and trouble for me because my cat would go to her house- yet she fed him and encouraged him to come, had catnip growing all through her yard, and would take off his collars etc). It was NUTS, she was relentless. Anyway I was early in my program and started looking at it as a good opportunity to try out my al-anon tools in a really nutty and infuriating situation. When I started viewing the drama as a challenge or a puzzle that I could figure out by trying different al-anon tools until something worked, it felt a lot less upsetting and reduced the sleepless nights etc. Can you maybe try to turn your thinking upside down and see this as a chance to practice your program?
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
marnie - I view you as being super strong for not responding. When we act differently and begin to put ourselves first, our qualifiers can feel threatened and try to push buttons. We all have work to do and the whole progress not perfection helps me calm down when I wonder if I am doing/acting/being right or wrong....
You are doing just fine and there is nothing we can do to control what another person says, thinks or does. I have a feeling it really has nothing to do with the sleeping bag. But - do we really ever know what another person is thinking or feeling if they don't tell us?
It seems as if those who know me best know exactly where my buttons are. When I stopped reacting, they tried different places. As I got saner and realized I had power in not reacting and not personalizing their words, actions, etc. they eventually lost interest in 'doing the dance.'
Just keep coming back - and find local meeting(s) if possible. I love my MIP family here but the F2F meetings and friends were game-changers in my recovery!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well, I didn't react - which is practicing a LOT compared to a month and a half ago. I'm trying not to take it personally, and realize it's his disease talking.
He purposely said something he knew would hurt... and I need to not let it get to me.
I immediately had an image of you and daughter making a sleeping bag fort LOL.
Hope you can unwind and get a decent sleep.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((Hugs))) to all - working out is a great plan....I'm setting out warm clothes to go play adult softball in.....we don't play until 8:30/9:30pm and we have freeze warnings for tonight. So - it's going to be cold.......it's so hard to run bases with winter clothes on - but that's my plan for tonight!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
