I came to Al-anon because I need help, I felt no one in my circle truly understands what I'm going thru, they will just tell me to live with it and offer it as a sacrifice.  Some would even blame me for my choice of marrying someone who I knew drinks.  How I felt so stupid and blamed myself about not knowing that my husband is a binge drinker and that binge drinking is alcoholism.  I am so confused,  I wanted to separate from my husband but I am not getting any support from my family circle.  Anyway, so I found Al-anon, I am still married to the same man (20 years), alcohol has not left us but I have found some serenity.  The road is not easy, and I know I need to keep coming back.

I mentioned in my other posts/replies that I requested my husband not to sleep in our bedroom when he comes home in the wee hours.  I also posted/replied about my fear for his next drink & about his asking my permission to have a drink with friends.  He didn't get my permission because I told him the decision is his not mine.  But he did went out but there's a "twist":  he went out after lunch and said he's gonna have coffee with his friends, said something about getting old & couldn't drink so much anymore blah blah blah!  Anyways, I didn't commented, just made him feel I heard what he said.  So he came home around 9 pm, quite early.  I know it was not just or perhaps not coffee because I smell the alcohol coming out of his breath as we fall to sleep.  Well, he still did drank but on a changed schedule, at least on my part I was able to sleep without interruption.  I really needed rest because I am the one working, my husband is currently unemployed.  But the following day was a different story.  He keeps on starting a conversation, (because I am not asking and somehow  I learned not to start a conversation that would touch on "drinking"), about what his friends talked about leading to his again convincing me that drinking once in awhile is okay.  So I reiterated that he doesn't have to convince me because it's something I could not live with.  I know 1 drink is never enough for him, history repeats itself and I don't want to go thru hell again with his drinking.  Again, I told him that he has his choice, and he need not make me like his choice.  Perhaps its his fear that I am true to what I said about my boundaries and limits, that I could not promise him anymore that it will be "till death do us part".  I know I'm standing on thin line.  If he's not happy living with me because I do not agree with his drinking then I think it would be best for us to separate ways, rather than us always arguing and fighting.  Again there was raising of voices, but it was really brief this time and silence came afterwards.

I know I no longer feel the same way towards my husband, in the romantic sense.  I love him as a person that I have to live with because we are married.  I am holding on to my marriage because the covenant is not just between me and my husband but also with God.  But if my husband decides to choose alcohol, that he's happier that way then I'll let go.  In fact I think I have let go by giving him his choice,  and in the process I have let go of myself and am allowing God to take control.

Jocel