The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was invited to a family therapy phone call by my AH in rehab. I was excited for the opportunity to understand recovery better and become closer through participating. The session went in a direction I didn't expect. My AH started in a great way saying he wanted us to be nicer to each other. He then went on to attach his alcoholism/recovery to me and my "altimatum". The therapist jumped in and provoked him to say he doesn't want to be sober. Toward the end I told him how much I love him and how my eyes have been opened to the wrong moves I have made where his disease is concerned. He continued to be sharp, so i asked if he is still in love with me. His answer was no. I ended the call. He texted saying he thinks out marriage can be repaired. When we spoke last he said he loves me dearly as his wife and best friend and wants to work on things. I am glad he wants to work on things but am so sad and terrified my marriage is over. I went to a meeting but it didn't help much. Need words of wisdom...
sunmustshine I am sorry that you are in this pain Sounds as if you were manipulated into a situation that you were not prepared for and i think you handled it well.
It is important to remember that being in "Rehab" is difficult. Denial (the usual go to tool of the alcoholic must be faced ) without alcohol. In addition a completely new philosophy is being offered that they must embrace and comprehend in order to recover.
Many become angry and strike out. The family is usually blamed for everything. If you want your mariage to survive and thrive, I found that attending alanon face to face meetings, using the simple tools were crucial to our rebuilding efforts. The tools helped to increase my self esteem,as well as to develop more empathy and compassion. My marrige which was rocky grew closer and better.
There is hope and help. Keep coming back because by using program tools you will find that :the "sun must shine":)
I too am Very Sorry you was Hurt, this disease is indeed Very Cunning baffling and Disappointing even...
Al-Anon Helps us Rise above... We Can't Make others Feel what we feel, but we Can Still Find Our Own Happiness within us, that Allows us to Grow, With or Without Our A's...
I Struggled im my Marriage ALOT When I got here, I took Everything My Husband Said to Heart, and Very Personal... and Sometimes that was the Game... He would Say Hurtful things to Keep me where I was... To Keep Me Controled...He has Never Admitted his Problems... he is a Binge Drinker... but to him that is just Normal...
When I Started to Heal thru this Program and Learn Not to Take Everything So Personal... and He Was Allowed to have Feelings but I Didn't have to Accept Unacceptable behavior form him or Anyone...My Life Changed...My Marriage Changed, and WOW All For the Better... I Put my Boundary's in Place, and Gave the Rest to HP... Everyday is Not Rose's and Butterfly's but We Now have a Respect for each other we Never had before....
Keep Coming Back... Working YOUR Program & Taking Care of You... YOU Are So Worth it.... and I'm with ((hotrod)) Your "Sun will Shine" :D
I think his alcoholism is really not in love with you and right now, it is really hard to tell who is doing the talking. There are no guarantees. It would be so hurtful and devastating if your marriage ended, but you would survive and cope even IF that was the outcome. You are strong. You can make it. Your happiness involves him but it isn't produced by him. Breath deep and remember you are complete, whole, and you will be okay. You've already been managing to live in chaos and with his active alcoholism. I suspect you are letting fears amplify which is normal, but not helpful to you.
(((sunmustshine))) - recovery is hard on everyone.....what happened does sound awkward and maddening and I am sorry you were caught off-guard. I agree wit pinkchip - his disease is probably not in love with you right now and he is not in his right mind. Your recovery is also new and raw. Jozie makes excellent points. Be gentle with you, be kind to you and see if you can stay in the present. Just for now, he is there and you are here. The future is unknown for all of us. Don't stress about the end of the marriage, don't stress about tomorrow. Just be in the right here and right now.
We are here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like the responses you have received especially from Pink Chip who is "in the business", is a recovering alcoholic and works with alcoholics. For me, Don't trust an alcoholic's' or addicts thinking. They are using a mind that doesn't work like normal people and the connections are all scrambled. Additionally when they feel fear the mind gets out of control and they will deny and deflect as hard as possible to get the responsibility placed on someone else or at least away from them. This disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and causes so much sadness. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
So helpful as always wether it's my post or just reading someone else's. Thank you so much. The idea that his alcoholism is not in love with me gave me such comfort. I've struggled with the idea of separating the person from the disease but was confused when the person was sober. I get the idea now. The disease exists wether he is drinking or not. Every single one of you has posted something I am taking with me. I will definitely continue meetings. I will believe less of what he says in his mixed up state.
Thank you for the wisdom I was searching for. I feel better. (((((Everyone))))))
I know this is much easier said than done, but just breathe and worry about now. Let tomorrow worry about itself. Trust me, I do plenty of worrying about the future. I try not to, though. I plan ahead as much as I can, but I try to remind myself that there are things I can't plan for and I've always found a way up to this point so why should tomorrow be any different? Yeah, things have gotten hard. I've had a lot of lean times, but God has always protected me. No matter what has happened, I've always had a roof over my head and food to eat. Everything else is just a luxury.
I dearly love my bf, but if things don't work out, I will go on. It will hurt. My heart will be broken. I'll probably cry - a lot. I've survived heartbreak before and I can do it again. I don't want us to split up, but I know that I will come out of it ok if we do.
We're all stronger than we think we are. Whenever you feel scared, just look in the mirror and say, "I am strong enough to get through this." Say it over and over again until you believe it.
sunmustshine - I hold on to the actions speak louder than words. My AH is never wrong, and never admits he's wrong and rarely apologizes. However, he has body language that shows me 'that' when I am open minded and keep an open heart. You are so right in realizing that the isms exist in spite of active drinking. Just as recovery is a process for us, it is for the qualifier too.
Each of us is learning new ways of dealing & healing and often expectations just confuse us. For me, staying present, focusing on what is working well vs. what is troubling me helps a ton. For that which is troubling to me, I turn it over and keep doing it with the hope it will stick in God's hands.
I believe, even at the worst of times, that my qualifier(s) are doing the best they can with what they got - they just don't got much at times. Staying in the now and focusing on what I can do today that will bring me peace is such a gift. I no longer concern myself with what another is doing, will we stay together, will he die, etc. as I trust that no matter what comes my way, God will carry me through it (and my lovely Al-Anon family).
(((Hugs))) - glad you are finding some peace!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
