The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night almost 18 year old son called home that he bought a car. Yes most parents would be proud that he worked for it to buy it himself and yes that part I am proud of, BUT he is not fully licensed yet , only has G1 and doesn't go for G2 for another 2 weeks and hasn't passed it yet so don't know if he will be fully licensed in 2 weeks. He bought the car in a town about 45 minutes from here so I asked how he planned on getting the car home since he can't get it plated, insured without being fully licensed nor can he drive it yet. He very happily announced that he had already driven it back to our city ( on the highway of course and a G1 driver is restricted from driving on the highway and restricted from driving without a 5 year and over licensed driver in the vehicle). He said he was at a friends house. I asked about plates and he laughed and said " oh that's taken care of! Got one , well not legally but got one!" Found out one of his friends alcoholic parents got him a fake plate! ( not the alcoholic parent who put anti Alanon literature in my mailbox at 4:30 AM yesterday morning, a different alcoholic parent of another friend of his.). So he's driving around in a car that has a fake license plate without insurance and is not a fully licenced driver!!! Sorry but I lost all knowledge of program principles at that point! I told him hoy these people who do these things for him are not his friends, that they don't give. a crap about him because if they did they wouldn't put him in a position that he could get into a lot of trouble, that they have lost all brain cells, conscience and decency in the bottom of a bottle, and yes I went on and on! All to be met with stone wall silence until I hung up on him! Knowing him he had me on speaker phone to show his "friends " how crazy I am ---- meanwhile I'm not the one giving a fake license plate to a kid who is not fully licensed and has no insurance! He got home with the car 2 hours later after dropping all his "bros" as he calls them off at their houses so did a lot of illegal driving around! He had the nerve to say to me " I don't know why you're so pissed off!" This is an academic student who has an A average so how can he be that stupid to not know why I'm mad?!?! Stupidly I told him why again and he threw the crap at me of "well if I had a parent who would help me like other parents then I wouldn't have to do these things!" ( yeah I get crap like that from him all the time--- meanwhile for being a single mom he has got more over the years than his friends who have 2 working parents and everyone including my neighbours have said that! He's a spoiled brat!). I answered that with " and exactly what was I supposed to do in this situation? Tell me?" He said "plate and insure the car!" I said "that would mean the car you paid for would have to be put in my name because I couldn't plate and insure a car in a not fully licensed driver! And I told you before I don't have the money to buy, insure or plate a car for you, I have my own car to take care of plus the household bills and so on! Show me one friend of yours with TWO working parents who has bought their kid a car!" He was silent so I said "exactly! You can't even name one! So this guilt trip crap of your comparing me to these great non existent parents doesn't fly!" And I walked out of the room. He said as I was walking away " I don't know how you think any of this concerns you anyway!" Well it won't concern me in 5 months when he turns 18 and I kick him out which for my own sanity I know I'm going to have to do! Just praying to God that he doesn't drink or smoke weed and drive that car! I love him with all my heart but he wasn't raised this way and he is like a stranger has moved into his body the last 2 years! Used to be such a good natured, loving, kind kid!
And he just left for school in his fake plated not insured new car driving with a G1 license! And to boot the back tail light is burnt out on the car! If he gets caught he'll no doubt accuse me of turning him in --- he accused me of stuff like that last month when a boss of some of these kids he hangs around with was called that their son came home drunk after being at their place of employ ---- then he found out it was another parent who made the call--- did he apologize to me? Of course not! Sorry to say but his 18th birthday can't come soon enough!
((Doves)) I understand and can identify. My son would tell me that I saw "alcoholics around every corner" and was irrational and crazy . In truth, at that time I was in my disease and was reacting all over town and was crazy . Attending meetings, implementing the new tools that were offered, enabled me to stop reacting in such a negative fashion. I learned to stop, think, and simply state my position and let it go . It worked- I remained sane and it was evident who was off the wall.
I know we want to protect them from the results of their actions but alanon suggests that we not interfere with the cissis because this may be what is necessary for the person to seek recovery.
Thank you both. I know I lost it last night--- I even knew I lost it while I was in the midst of losing it! Funny how that happens-- my mouth was going a hundred miles a minute and at the same time my mind was saying STOP you are losing it --- but my mouth just kept going like it had to exert some sort of power over a crazy situation that I had no power over--- I think my mouth was hoping to get magically through to him--- like the more I said the better the chances that he would have a light go on in his head and he'd see the errors of his ways! Yeah I still have a magical thinking mouth! Working on it one day , one second at a time
I have to wonder what the purpose to calling you on speaker to tell you all of these things was. What he did or why he did it doesn't matter but, it really sounds like a very direct attempt to push your buttons as hard as possible, and in public; quite a nasty act. The reason I think this matters is, now here you are second guessing yourself and punishing yourself for it. I would suggest that you have been played here in such a way as to make you the focus of everyone's negativity including your own, while sonny and his crazy behaviour go completely unnoticed.
So since in this incident the only person that seems to have come to harm is you, the person that deserves all of your attention and kindness right now is you. So I'd ask you, if a friend came to you and told you this story, how would you react? Would you feel angry that she had been mistreated and baited into such a ridiculous situation? Would you berate her for losing it, or treat her with kindness and understanding and perhaps do something nice for her to take her mind off it and remind her that there is plenty of good in her life even if there is also hurtful stuff going on? When i get suckered into these sorts of situations and then feel awful i try to remember to be my own best friend. What can you do for you today? What would make you smile?
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 6th of April 2016 07:11:56 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Going off to work myself soon and just realized that I was so angry and distracted last night and this morning that I forgot to make this lunch last night for school today and pack it in his backpack this morning so he has no lunch for today. After realizing that I said to myself " And just WHY am I still making and packing a lunch for a nearly 18 year old!? He knows where the food is in the fridge and cupboards, he has no problem finding it when he comes home high on weed and has the munchies, so it's darn time he start making and packing his own lunch! And he will find a way to get lunch today, after all he creatively found a way to illegally get a car on the road so I'm sure he'll find a way to get a lunch!" I know ladies--- I have to LET GO!!!!
(((Doves))) You are a loving caring mom. Now you need to turn your attention too yourself and be gentle with yourself , as Ms.M. suggests and take a loving action for yourself .
You are doing great. Seeing what we do that hurts us, is the major part of the recovery.
(((Doves))) - prayers headed your way and positive thoughts too. I see me in your post, and as Betty suggests the program saved me from my own insanity. I've been called crazy and a whole lot more. I've had them accuse me of calling the police and a whole lot more. One of my sons suggested we had abused him - the state took him away....he thought we would be taken away.
We lived and survived a whole lotta crazy in this house, and you can too. I wish more than anything I had found and worked the Al-Anon program sooner. It probably would have saved me a ton of sleepless nights and intense crazy arguments and lectures!
Keep coming back - there is hope in recovery!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
yes the level of craziness in this house has been intensely over the top for the last nearly 3 years with my sons actions, disrespect and "friends " he's mostly acquired since starting high school. And me being the mother who wants to save him from all of it have reacted to it all over the top at times too!
It is so damn hard to let go and let the chips fall where they may when it comes to one's kid, especially when I see the proof that he has so much potential to be better (academic awards, part time job he faithfully goes to) and remembering what a sweet person he used to be before he chose to pick up a drink, smoke weed and hang out with kids whose parents do not have the same morals and values that this family does! It all saddens me and also sends me flying head first into fear that he is going to ruin his future and a promising future at that! But I KNOW for my own sanity that I have to let go and let his choices be his and the subsequent consequences of those choices be his teacher. I can't protect him from himself!
Reading all of your replies here brought tears to my eyes, you are all so kind and understand exactly what I'm going through. Thanks to all of you for carrying me today when I could hardly carry myself! Love and hugs to all of you.
I Agree with All above, you need some "Self Love" Baby Steps is where I Started.. and Being a Mom of an 18 yr old with Said Potential and Watching him Stumble has Not been Easy... And I Do have to Remind myself DAILY... He is an 18yr old BOY in an 18yr old Adult Body.. and the Only way that will Change is too Allow him to Dig out Of His Own Holes... He has to Make them.. He is Human...
I have a AStep Son, He makes the Most Boneheaded Decisions, he has (2) of my 4 Grandkids, and his Actions Drive Me Crazy Most times, he is an Addict/Alcoholic Etc Etc... He has Went to Jail, drove "ON" with Kids in the Car, Ran From Cops, Drove Every Vehicle known to Man without Insurance, on Suspended License, Been Caught I Dozen Times... But NOT ONCE did he Say.. "It was My Fault" He always Even at 40 Still says.. "Oh the Cop was a D#(#, It wasn't that Bad... He has Fallen in Every Hole Known to man and the Fact that he is Still here, Amazes Me... He has been Laid up in Hospital beds with Tubes Coming from Every Direction... I Watched his Dad Loose 10yrs of his Life in just One Accident, Seeing his Son Like that... And Have Told Him SO... His Response, "Oh he was Over Reacting" Oh Ok... YOU ALMOST DIED... Like DEAD...
Seeing this Man Self Destruct made me Step up my Parenting a Bit with Mine, I became Determined Mine would NEVER End up like this One... Now let me add.. My Step Son has a Heart the Size of Texas, but he just Can't Get out of His Own Way... He would Give you the Shirt off his Back if you Needed it, but Can't Make Good Decisions for himself...
I had Placed My Son on this Pedestal... Way Up there... I Told Myself "He is the 1st to Make Straight A's, The 1st to Get to College, The 1st to Not Get Suspended from School, the 1st not to be arrested by 18yrs old.. He is Kind, Loving, and Compassionate.. and On & On and Anyone that Knows me Knows I Held him HIGH above the Rest, He was My Shining Star... After So Many Years of Disappointment from my FOO Family he was a Rock Star....because I was Giving him the Chances I Never had growing up in my Alcoholic Home...
Well I Can tell ya, He is 18 and Still All those things, BUT... I Didn't Save him... He got Busted with Alcohol the weekend of Easter, and Thanks to this Program, and These People, I handled better then I Thought I Could... His Pedestal Now Wobbles, but it Reminds me just How Out of "Control" I am in my Thinking... Great People are Addicts... They are not All Bad People, the Addictions make them Ugly at times, but they still Hold Our Hearts, and this Program Taught me to Care for ME... and Coddle Me, Like I have Tried to do with My Son... I Still Adore him.. But YES, I Allow him to be an 18yr old Adult with Consequences... and they are His Not Mine Now (does it make my heart hurt sometimes.. YEP) but... Only Person I Can Save is Me... I Can Love him Thru it, even if it means I have to Hand him Over to HP and Accept that My Image of what he will Be... Is Not the Image God has for him... I Can Practice to Detach with Love and Know I did my Job as His Mom the Best I Could the 1st 18... And As Much as I hate the Idea of him Taking off One day out into the "Real" world... I have to Accept... Its Out of My Hands...
You are Doing an Amazing Job... Love yourself... Treat yourself to some DOWN Time, Hot bath, Fun Movie, Girls Night Out, Join a Gym, find a F2F Meeting Or Another one ;) Something that will Help you Focus More on You... Because your Son is Going to be 18 Very Soon... And whether he is In Your Home Or Out... You have Earned Your OWN LIFE... So Embrace the Things you Love, and Allow him to do the same... You are At the Right Place For Healing... So Take Care of you :)
Friends in Recovery Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest :)
Jozie
And PS... I Agree... He Can Make his Own Sandwich :) Adults Do it all the time... :D
Sounds like your son is hell bent on showing you he can take risks and engage in dangerous behavior and still "be fine." Well, it will either bite him in the ass and he will learn that way or it will get old when you stop reacting. I got the vibe that he is literally shoving this behavior right in your face to annoy you to the point he gets more freedom.
Again thanks to all for the insights.
Yes he's a BOY in an almost 18 year old man body and this morning proved that once again! He has a important doctors appointment tomorrow and has to leave school to get to it. He just came up to me and said " you have to write a note for the school for me to be dismissed from class to go to the doctor tomorrow because they have to have it from the parent." Yeah by law because he's under 18 still he cannot dismiss himself from class and needs a note from Momma yet he's driving around without a full license in an uninsured vehicle with a fake plate! And he skips out of class whenever he feels like it --- I know as I get phone calls from the school! YET this morning he wants a note from me to play by the rules?! Go figure that one out because I sure can't! What a contradiction! I wrote the note and he just took off in his illegal car for school! Breathing through this one day at a time.
And last night he was supposed to work until 11 pm. I feel asleep on the couch from sheer exhaustion at about 9:30 pm . He got home at 1:15 AM which woke me up and it wasn't until then that I noticed he had text me at 10:39 pm saying he had to work until midnight then another text at 1:02 AM saying he just got off and is in his way home. I missed both texts and I think the only reason he text to begin with was because I had not text him at all since early in the morning and he's not used to that---- mom not asking where he is! It was like he's in a panic because mom backed off as I said I was going to do in my morning text which was the last text I sent him all day! That text told him that I would have been proud of him working to buy his own car but I can't be when he did it all illegally as I cannot compromise my integrity in the name of motherly pride. And that it is his choices therefore his consequences and I'd leave it at that which I did. No texts from me followed all day so I think he got panicked and sent those texts after because he NEVER does that and often doesn't even answer my text asking where he is for hours later after I have repeatedly text or called him! Do they get panicked when you change your usual ways of interaction?
I Can Only Speak for mine... Since his Trouble he found Easter Weekend, he has been Stepping up the Chores around the House when he is Home from College, Doing his Own Laundry, Mowing the Grass without being Ask, Helping with Dinner, keeping his Mess In His Room...ALL These things I Normally have to Beg for... Now I Don't know what He Expects Of Mom when the Court Date Arrives, but not one Red Cent will come from my Pocket for it... Not Sure if he is aware of that Yet. Even tho I Did Tell him So...
I Use to Always Make Mine Text me When he Arrives to College because its about an Hour away... I Would Stay UP Sometimes till 1am Waiting to Make Sure he Arrived Only to Have him "Forget" to Text... "Sorry Mom, Just Go to Bed" and tho it Took Practice, I have Now got to the Point where I Send him Off & Pray... When I Quit Asking Him to Text me, He Does... When I Request it... Doesn't Happen... He is In a "I don't need you Mom, and the Next Minute.. Mom I Need you!" He wants to be All Grown up & his Own Man, but Also Wants to have the Benefits of Having Mom on Speed Dial...I'm Getting Better at Allowing him to Be that Man, but I Tell you its a Daily Struggle and LOTS of Prayers :)
He doesn't Disrespect me Verbally (Currently Anyway) because I have Made it Very Clear to him Early on I would knock his Block off & I don't care if we are Standing in the Grocery Store, and just because he was 7inches Taller then Me, that only Meant I Would Take him Out at the Knees... :O That Part He Fears to be True... Which for Me is a Good thing I Suppose... I've Always told him, We All Have Bad Days, but Be Very Careful On Who you Choose to Blame for them... Because he is Fully responsible for his Actions...
He will always be My Baby, Even when he Makes Bonehead Decisions... But Me Staying on top of Letting him be Fully Responsible for his Actions is Key for Me! Its Not been Easy, but I'm Learning Day by Day... :D
Doves - when I began to make changes, and was consistent, they did act/react differently. I was working to have a new normal in my own actions and reactions and I found there to be a cause and effect outcome. As I regained my sanity, I was able to realize that I did my best to teach them all that I could about be kind, considerate, communicative adults. I was raised to tell people where I am going and when I would be home. I taught them the same. When they were up to no good, they would stay hidden as long as possible. When I stopped trying to control them by chasing them via phone calls & texts, it did throw them a bit. However, over time, they are both a bit better about letting me know things they want me to know.
As I watch them grow up and change, I am also able to realize they are quite a bit like me. I was a rebel child and was very sneaky and evasive. Yet, when I was following rules, I wanted it known!!!
Keeping the focus on me and how I was living my life gave me the courage and freedom to detach and allow them to live their lives. Keep working it and keep the focus on you! Of course, keep coming back too!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks again all of you!
I took the suggestions to be good to me and today after work I went to get my hair cut/styled (long overdue) , then went to pet store to get food for my dog and cat, came home, put stuff away then had a nice hot shower, made myself a nice dinner and am now on here. Son went to his part-time job after school, don't know what time he gets off as I didn't ask so he gets home whenever he gets here. Not going to sit here all night worrying that he might get pulled over by police on way home from work without full license, fake plate and no insurance.
For awhile today whenever I'd see or hear cop car or worse an ambulance I'd get upset thinking he could have been skipping class to bomb around in that car with his friends and get into accident and so on. (I am in community health care so take care of patients living in their homes--- that's big in my country--- so I do a lot of driving all day from one to another so see a lot of what happens on the roads). I finally told myself by afternoon to STOP thinking every cop car or ambulance could be going for him, that if it were to happen I'd be contacted so stop getting into fear. It worked and "easy does it" kept coming to mind. Big hugs to all of you!
Doves - it's so funny your self-care included a new hair-do.....I have spent some time today - too much time really - trying to decide what cut I want next....the appointment is for next Wednesday before I leave town! I've been letting it grow for a while and it's time to cut and donate....
I am so confused by hair styles. Last time, I got a bob and it was short - took a long while to grow out...so - I have 6 days to figure it out and since I only do this every 3-4 years, it's a stressful experience for me.....ha.ha.ha.
Glad you found something different to do - great job!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So this morning he is skipping school (why he asked me for a note to be dismissed for his doctor appointment today is beyond me when he is skipping classes BEFORE the appointment anyway?) He told me he's going to the ministry to get his car registered into his name--- you can own a car in my province without being insured or a licenced driver--- a very technical touchy issue but it is possible). HOWEVER he is driving the car there without a full license and without insurance and WITH a fake license plate on it! I'd say the academic award winning boy is rather stupid in this situation! And to boot I noticed he took his bag with him that he carries his weed and grinding apparatus in! So let's just complicate it further by carrying weed in his uninsured, fake played car!
Is he begging to get caught or does he have the arrogance to believe he is above the law and will get away with it all?!
I'm applying step one --- I am powerless over him and his choices!
Off to work myself and going to focus on that and if I get a phone call from police that they have my son I'm telling them to deal with it any way they need to -- I am NOT paying to get him a lawyer and so on!
Doves you sound like you are doing just fine in coping with a difficult situation. My daughter too did some pretty dumb things too and it was hard to believe that she did not get in more trouble then she did. I used to be very fearful of her getting a DUI and criminal charges, by the end I was almost hoping it would happen to steer her in a better direction. It is very hard when it is our children whom seem to be hell bent on destroying their lives in front of our eyes. I learned too that I am powerless, and my life did become very unmanageable while I was busy trying to save my daughter. Nothing I said, did, yelled, threatened changed the outcome...but she did find her way into treatment and for today she is sober and I am grateful. It is very early on though and I have a lot of work to do on myself. I thought I could beat this disease back with my love and advice. God knows I had plenty of both. I did the very best job I could as a parent, now it is up to her.
Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest :) 