The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am new here. Kinda pissed I have to be here, but at the same time I am glad there is somewhere I can go to get a sanity check. Why didn't I come here years ago? My husband and I have been going to marriage counseling after he had an affair. It was very hard for me to deal with - the affair. For years, he has been accusing me of affairs. Looking through my phone, emails, etc... And in all honesty, he did find me flirting with a guy years ago. And ever since then has treated me poorly. I subjugated myself to him out of guilt. How could I have done something so wrong?!!
At the time, we had a new baby, new job, and had moved to a new state. AND we were newly married. Cool. And during this time I think I first started to block the signs that he was an alcoholic. How can I address his faults, when clearly I am a low and terrible person for flirting. He was neglecting me by staying in the basement and downing bottles of Jammison.. (SP?)..
But years went by with these accusations. I isolated myself from friends and family. I quit my job so we could move back to Idaho where he would be happy. And that would SHOW him how sorry I was for my mistake. But it continued. He distanced himself. Then the affair. Icing on the cake. Thanks.
In marriage counseling, his drinking comes up. Sometimes he admits it. Sometimes he makes excuses. That was the game yesterday with our session. (One he actually makes it to. Otherwise there's some type of 'event' that causes him to miss it and it's not his fault..). The counselor said we should just try to live 'in the moment' for the next week and let go of the past. Just live one week as normal..
I see that my husband's work (He's a police officer) was hosting a Donkey Basketball last night. I said, "Hey, let's live in this moment. We should go - the kids would love it. He agreed. I drove home from the counseling session and go there before him. I opened the fridge and see he'd opened the bottle of wine he 'bought for me..' already. So he'd been drinking before our marriage counseling.
It pissed me OFF!! I said, forget the donkey basketball. I see you opened the wine and I don't want to go with you if you've already been drinking. Now, after my first Al-Anon meeting this morning (online) I think I could have handled it differently. I could have still gone with my kids and not attended with him. Let the consequences of his drinking affect him and not me and the kids.. Instead, I went straight upstairs and took some sleeping pills and went to bed (6pm).
WELCOMCE (((LEAH))) :D You have Landed in the Right Place, and Many Here I'm Sure can Relate...
I Also Understand your Anger at having to Be Here, but I Do Believe you will find it more a benefit then a hindrance... For me it was the Best Choice I Made for Myself in many years...
This Disease is a Very Scary place, and those new to the Program very much feel overwhelmed and like a On Coming train that Keeps Coming...
I'm impressed that after your 1ST Meeting on Line you seen where you could have done things Different... That's the Beauty of this Place, it opens our Eyes to Better Choices, and a Better Life... So Your Getting it... and I have to Say... My 1st Meeting took about 5 try's before I Even Got ONE Thing..lol So you ar Doing Great ;)
Check your Local Area and See if you have any Face to Face meetings, they too are Amazing on Nights Like Last Night when you just want to throw in the Towel... You can Find Help, and the Support is out of this World...
You are Not Alone, and I'm Very Glad your Here... Please KEEP COMING BACK... and your Miracle will happen :)
One of Our Slogans are "Progress Not Perfection" So See there... you are Already Progressing... Sometimes being out of the Negative is Definitely a Step in the Right Direction :D Glad your Here...
I'm glad you're getting help for you. I'm new to this, too. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, but I wasn't really bothered by his drinking because it didn't change him that much. It made him ramble on and on, which got kind of annoying, but that was it. Other than that, he just got more cuddly. Then, he did something dangerous and it clicked for me. It clicked for him, too. So, now he's 6 days sober and I'm here.
I hope things get better for you. Focusing on the day is the best advice I think I've heard. So, today, I'm going to keep not smoking and I'm going to go to work. And if he still doesn't drink today or tonight, I'm gonna spend some time with him after work. Just make boundaries and stick to them. I made mine. If he drinks, I won't have any contact with him until he's sober. And he can't move back in until he proves he can stay sober.
It sounds like you have been busy making amends to someone who will never forgive you, and will remind you at every turn and take advantage of it in all your dealings. I hope you can at least forgive yourself for the flirting that apparently was years ago, if you can forgive yourself, perhaps you will be able to see more clearly that he is playing the guilt game with you.
It sounds like you are a quick learner, realizing what you did and what else you could have done. As said above, progress, not perfection! And stick to your boundaries. You will get pushback, but you are a human and deserve to be treated with dignity, just the same as he deserves.
Welcome to MIP Leah - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share! Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is not ever cured but can be arrested through recovery. Recovery is a personal journey that some find and others do not. No matter what he is or is not doing, you can work your own recovery in Al-Anon as you've been affected negatively by another's drinking.
We who live with this disease often develop negative coping mechanisms that we would not use in other situations. It tends to bring out the worst in us and we are often reacting to things different than desired. There is hope in recovery though and you have every right to peace and joy in your life. In Al-Anon, we focus on energy and effort on ourselves, and get out of their way - allowing natural consequences for their choices/actions.
You are worthy of recovery and nothing you do or say will change how he is, what he does and/or how he thinks. The disease and the substance take over and the alcoholic is not in their right mind. My qualifiers often accused me of things I never did - I learned later that when you are living life in this disease, you often assume everyone is doing what you are doing (lying, cheating, etc.) You will learn how to detach with love and set boundaries in this program - which will help you be protected from most of the insanity/chaos.
Keep coming back - you are not alone! We are often just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Honestly, if I didn't know he could go stay with his mom, I don't think I could have made my boyfriend leave, either. I don't think I would have the heart to do it. He's still sober, though.
I just had a random phrase pop into my head. "Act, don't react." I'm pretty sure its a leftover tidbit from the marriage counseling my ex-husband and I did to try to save our marriage after he cheated. Before you do or say anything, take a minute to think. When you just react, you might say or do things that will escalate the situation. If you take time to think and decide on a course of action, then act, you'll probably save yourself a lot of grief.
Also, never make decisions while you're angry. It's better to let yourself cool down before deciding anything.
Just random things that popped back up for me. No idea why - the marriage counseling was 4 years ago. Haha
Welcome Leah, I am glad that you are here an have attended an alanon meeting. I too agree that you are a fast learner as you have already focused on yourself and your actions and determined that in this one particular incident you had choices and that depriving yourself and the children from a" fun activity" may not have been the best choice.
You mentioned that you resented attending meetings because :"he was sick". I wanted to note that due to living with the disease of alcoholism, we all become "Sick" and need a program of recovery. That is why alanon was founded. The isolation, and uncertainty of living with the insanity, causes us to develop many negative coping tools. Unless we seek help, we will carry these negative attitudes with us always. even if the alcoholic moves on.
The more I attended alanon meetings, I found that my isolation was reduced as I connected with like minded people who understood as few others could. As they offered support and constructive tools to live by,my self esteem was returned and I gained my self confidence and reasoning abilities back.
When my A was in rehab every day the counselor would call to give me an update and pushed Ala-non at me. I was so angry. I had enough to do with him being in rehab that to go to meetings was the last thing I needed. Besides, I am not the alcoholic. Well, the first 2 weeks of him being home from rehab my craziness tripled. I reached my bottom as I thought I was going to go insane with all the stress and anxiety. I reluctantly came here, here its all about me for once. Here I can focus on me and work on myself and take ownership of my role in all of this insanity and even if those I have done wrong to don't forgive me I know my HP does. Keep coming back...you are so worth it.
Thank you. Last night was the first night w/o alcohol. He was irritable but said he wanted to do it for me. I said he needed to do it for himself because doing it for me wasn't going to cut it. He's quitting on his own. No help from AA or any other counsel. I don't know if it'll work. But I suppose I need to have faith that he will do what needs to be done.
Leah, alcoholism is a powerful disease and the alcoholic often makes promises that they often cannot keep. This is part of the disease . Please keep coming back, as recovery is so very important for every member of he family.
