The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been doing really well with not counting AHs drinks. So we'll that I didn't even realize how intoxicated he was yesterday until I found myself smack in the middle of him trying to pick a fight. The last few days I can tell he's frustrated with me about something to do with things I haven't completed or done to his liking. When he gets frustrated he gets into a demanding state where I term it "treats me like his incompetent assistant". Last night he started nit picking everything he couldn't find or didn't have because of me. And he was speaking nastily to me. It came out of the blue for me because we had been getting along just fine until then. It was the kind of nitpicking that would have sent me over the edge in the past and I would have screamed and yelled and sworn at him and then it would have been all about my bad behaviour and everything he did would be forgotten. Thanks to this program I decided not to engage. He kept at me so I told him we should not talk any more tonight. That made him even more mad and he said a hurtful comments trying to get me to react. I didn't. I went to bed and got away from him. It was mean nastiness I hadn't seen in a long time and it took me off guard. Then I realized he was drunk. I don't know exactly how drunk but there was a lot of missing booze from the house. He woke up this morning again in a miserable mood. Blaming and demanding and rude. I ignored him again. I'm happy that I didn't react. He did come downstairs and appologize for calling me a horrible name. Honestly sticks and stones....that is the least of my issues. This morning I am feeling hopeless. I didn't sleep much last night and I know that contributes to me feeling very terrible and a very bad mindset. At this moment I don't want to be married to him. I am so angry and resentful of him. I cried my way to work and then beat myself up for crying my way to work lol. He texted me a text that said "love u" I texted him back that I dont' like how he spoke to or treated me last night. His response is "I'm not happy either". But right now I could care less. And that is putting it mildly. When we have an argument he doesn't seem to care at all about how I feel but demands that he get an apology for everything (even things he perceived) I did wrong. If I tell him how I feel he will throw something about me in my face back. Then I end up apologizing for the most ridiculous things and he gets away with all his crap because by the end of the discussion I am exhausted, and confused and tired of fighting. It's exhausting to argue with him I feel like I am on trial. You better not bring anything up that bothers you with him or be prepared to defend your feelings until you can't think straight. I was struggling this morning. I couldn't focus so I just picked up How Al Anon Works and started reading a chapter at random. I do that sometimes when I feel hopeless or useless or out of control. It was talking about the whole concept of not picking up the rope. It seemed like the perfect chapter to be reading at that moment. I didn't get to finish it all (I know I have read it before) but that little bit I read helped. I guess today I am struggling with how do you not engage and detach yet not accept unacceptable behavior? And sometimes I feel like the victim of emotional abuse. And where does that all fall into things? I am just going to use the slogan easy does it today and first things first and try to get through my very hectic day and try to disengage from the text messages from him for now. I need to take care of myself first. Anything I say do or text in this state will just come back to haunt me. Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
Oh and one more thing that occurred to me was that his mom had been visiting and he spent some good time with her. I was happy about this for him because he has a nice relationship with her most of the time. But his father is a dry drunk (sober but no longer attends AA) and has huge amounts of anxiety and is very demanding. She does everything for everyone and takes care of everything for everyone and she is a lovely woman but when she is here suddenly he looks at me in a more negative light. In fact whenever we are around his family he gets very critical of me. And none of this comes from her at all. She respects me and is kind to me and appreciates me. It's all him. Probably comparing or missing her or something. Anway that just came to me. Sorry for the disorganized message I am a little scattered this morning but it helps to write it all out.
I'm sorry you were subjected to a night of circular arguments and crazy-making. Don't apologise for feeling scattered; nearly all of us have lived it and can relate. Good on you for breaking out your new al-anon tools and for seeing how liberating it is to just not pick up the rope!! I found questions like 'how do I show that i dont accept the behaviour without engaging" etc became clearer to me as I got deeper into the program. There are no right or wrong ways to aproach it really, it's just that, for me at least, the more I worked on myself and learning to listen to myself and be kind to myself, the easier it became to make good decisions and then not second-guess them. Keep coming back and be extra-kind to you today. I developed the habit of treating myself a little if and when i had been abused in some way (such as you describe for example) much the same way i might try to treat a friend who came to me tired and sad after a similar experience. That always helps for me whether it's a long bath, buying myself a little something if finances allow, etc. We do this instinctively with our friends when they've had a bad experience but not ourselves, nutty huh? Sounds like you're making great headway
(((KT)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 5th of April 2016 08:16:32 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
This is Such a Cunning and Baffling Disease, and to be able to Crawl inside Said Addicts Head and Realize what "Their Issues" Are, is indeed Exhausting and So Not Worth My Time...
I Come from a Long Line, and Can Very Much relate to your Story, Even with his Mom... My ADad did those same things with My Mom, because well his Mom would Move Mountains to Get him out of trouble, and did Anything & Everything He Ask of Her, and Even If My Mom Tried to Fill those Shoes, the Only thing she did was Run in Circles and Get Verbally and Sometimes Physically Abused by him... My ADad is Now Past, But my Mom Never seeked out help...So She Picked up another Alcoholic and Still Tip Toes around his Existence...He isn't Physical but at Times Verbal abusive... Its Hard to Watch, but Sure Showed me how I Didn't want to be...
You are In the Right Place, I don't know if you go to F2F Meetings but Boy they are Helpful when you need to Escape the Ism of this Disease... And I Think you Did Great... You Didn't Engage, You Didn't React, and That Alone I Know takes Courage & Strength...
When I 1st Got into Recovery, I Was Very Much Turning into my Mom, I Was Picking up After my Husband, Taking him his Dinner Plate, Coddling his Mood Swings, if he was in a Bad Mood, I Had to be in a Bad Mood, if He was Happy I Was Happy... It had Totally Wore Me OUT...And we Not only Live together but Work together Everyday... When Someone Once Ask Me WHY I Did these things when he Only Treated Me Worse? I had no Answer... I Just Thought that was the Way it was Suppose to be... Its What I Knew Growing up, so I Figured its what I was Suppose to be too...
When I got Here, and Friends would Ask what I Liked? I Had No Clue, but I Could tell you Everything About my Husband's Likes, Needs & Wants, but Couldn't even tell you My Favorite kind Eggs, because I Settled for What ever He Wanted... 8 LONG Years later I Can tell you... there is a New Found Respect in My Home, even if I Have to Work on it, and Keep My Boundary's in Place, we Now Can be Respectful to Each other, and He Knows Very Much that he is an Adult, and If he is Hungry he knows how to Cook, and if He wants to Argue, I will not Engage, and Most Times Leave the House and Go for a Walk, a Nice Ride in my truck for a Good Cry, or Go Take Pictures in Nature... I Have been Gifted my Life back... Its Not All Rose's and Butterfly's, but Because I Stuck to my Guns and Didn't Engage every fight I was Invited too, they have been Less... He now knows if I Want to go spend time with my Friends, I Don't need his Permission or Acceptance in that... I'm Respectful and Say, Tonight I'm Doing this, and Wont be here to Make Dinner, he still Pouts at times, but that is not my Problem... This is My Life too and it Does not Revolve around Him... It Revolves around ME...
Keep Coming Back, you Truly are Getting it, even if at times if Feels like your Not... I Think its Wonderful that you Went Straight to your Books to Find Relief that was such a Blessing to me as well... The Serenity Prayer also Helped when he Started I Would start Chanting it in my Head, and walk away... I Also would say it on Nights I Couldn't Sleep... it was My "Counting Sheep" Trick only I would Repeat it till I Finally Quit Focusing on HIM and Started to Focus on what I Could Control... ME & My Reactions...
So Glad your Here and I Hope that today the Sun Shines a Little Brighter, and you Take Care of YOU... As for Text Messages, Well I Don't Except Apologies VIA Text, I don't Respond to them at All... But that's ME... If they Can't Say it too Me, then its Not Worth a Response... I have Even Shut My Phone OFF when I Have Enough... No One Says I Must be at their Beck and Call... And there Bad Day Doesn't have to Ruin Mine :) Take Care of You...
I can relate to your sadness. I think it's awesome that you posted about it, though. I heard a speaker say recently that the disease of alcoholism is founded upon ISOLATION and DENIAL. So congratulations for reaching out and sharing, and for breaking the isolation. I am new to AFG, so I don't have much experience. But I do have hope that if alcoholism is a "disease of attitudes"--both you and I can practice new ways of thinking for today. Sending love and hope your way.
As MissMeliss says above, the best thing I found to do was to respond to each episode of abuse by giving myself a lovely treat of some kind. It reached a point where I could feel myself smiling inside as my husband tried his darn best to engage me in an argument because I was visualise a lovely bubble bath and one time, when he was being especially unpleasant I gifted myself a weekend holiday with a girlfriend. As my attitude changed so did his - being mean to me lead to me having fun and that spoilt the game I think!!
Hello LovingKind - welcome to MIP. I agree, this is a wonderful post describing something that affects so many of us and it is generous to share, stepping out of the isolation is a gift to ourselves as well as others isn't it?
Thank you all. Your replies have been so helpful. I love the idea of being especially kind to myself in these situations MissMelis and Milkwood. I didn't respond to texts so soon a phone call came through asking me if I was purposely ignoring his texts or if I had missed them (because if I had missed them that would be one more thing for him to criticize). I told him I didn't want to communicate right now because there is no point fighting over text or phone call. He let me go and left me alone. And I feel good about setting that boundary. Now I can spend the rest of my day in peace focusing on the things that are important to me.
Jozie- thanks for your reply. I can relate to what you posted too. I don't know how it happened but I tiptoed around my AH and his moods too. ANd now that I have been changing I can see how the tiptoeing makes things worse....way worse. I have been going to F2F meetings for almost a year now and I have a sponsor. I have also noticed a huge change in how he treats me in general. Since I started to detach and set boundaries the respect in our relationship has grown. That is why this sudden change took me by surprise. I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. About the fact that I had to set boundaries in the first place when other people I know just get respect from their partners and blah blah blah. None of that is helpful, useful or even accurate but that's what runs through my head on the bad days. Your post really gives me hope. I go between feeling like a doormat and feeling like a raging maniac. Al Anon helped me feel more human and that is why I keep coming back. I go every week. I have a sponsor and we are working through the first step slowly. It is working.
I can't even express how much I appreciate all the kind words and thoughts you all sent me here. Sending all of you a big hug. Now off to find something to treat myself with....
KT,
So much of what you described happens in my house too. This disease really is baffling. One of the worst parts is that the next day we seem to suffer more than the A, reliving what happened the night before, analogizing, getting upset, getting sad. The A on the other hand, might have a foggy or swiss cheese memory of what happened, so the only thing that bothers them is that they feel we're unhappy and try to mend it, so they can wash the guilt away. By your own description, you killed it last night, you totally nailed the whole situation as best you could. I know it's still crappy, but it could have and has been worse in the past, the changes you've made are huge and you should be proud. I like how you reached for the book to stop your spinning head, great idea.
Please excuse me if I am not representing this exactly, but it's how I remember it....There is one part in "Getting them Sober" where the author talks about a client of hers that whenever she found herself in the middle of her AH's attacks, sometimes out of the blue, she would picture her husband standing there in pajamas as if he was a mental health patient. I've done it before and it helped me in the moment see my AH's rants for exactly what they were and realize there is no point in trying to explain myself or get my point across to him in that state. It also helped me be able to see the disease and feel some empathy for the man. All that along with some private comic relief to help me not feel affected by a bully in PJs.
I think you're doing great. Thanks for sharing. I feel inspired.
(((KT))) - when these situations happen in my world, I am often left with an emotional hangover - even when I use my tools and don't respond/react/participate. For me, H-A-L-T, is a great tool to check my state of being - and most days after a drama fest, I am certainly tired. When I am angry, I truly have to peel back at what/who and when I can process with a sponsor, trusted friend of HP, I am usually angry at the disease. Lonely doesn't happen often as I do have phone numbers I use and a wonderful sponsor. Hungry - well....I can always eat and I can be an emotional eater!!!
But, when I stop to consider these, I can almost always come to realize I am a child of God, I am a human being, I do have defects and I am doing my best. I too practice self care and being gentle - had a slight incident with my son last evening and also did not sleep well. I went to sleep talking to God and feeling hurt, and woke up unsettled. Before I even got out of bed, I did some positive affirmations - not a normal tool but that's what came into my brain. So, I said out loud that I am a wonderful person and I am a lovely friend. I am worthy and deserve peace and joy. It worked wonders.
I got up later than usual, and chose to not fret but view it as a gift instead. I am in my robe still, showered and just had a late breakfast. So - I am being gentle with me today. My son texted this morning justifying his position, and I chose to not answer. I will when I am ready. Because of this program, I am able to heal and deal with many of the distractions of the disease. How my son acts and speaks to me is not about me - it's about him and his journey. I have no influence over him and when I try to speak about how I feel, it often also gets twisted, so I just don't unless I am asked. His message this morning is huge progress from before and I am grateful I can see that.
I am glad that the writing helps you process/heal and deal - it does for me too. I often have to write to understand exactly why I feel as I do - it doesn't come naturally. Almost all of my feelings and emotions tend to surface first as anger or sadness. It is through writing and sharing that I am able to understand that so often it's about fear - fear of the unknown which my mind can project 1000 different ways.
So - stay in the present - enjoy the weather (ours is great today), smile at a stranger, hold your head high and be gentle with you - it is in the miracle of recovery we get to be the best version of ourselves - and you are worthy!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thanks everyone that really helped. Feeling much better today. Took care of myself and got through it all. Thank you for all your kindness and support.
