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I've observed that when I am super nice to my son and we've been getting along great for a few days he will out of nowhere get mouthy or try to pick an argument. His now deceased dad who was on again off again in recovery used to do the same thing. I don't think it's a learned behaviour my son picked up from his dad as it didn't happen around our son, or if it's hereditary behaviour or if it's common to the disease. It's like they get so much love then a part of them can't stand it so have to reject it by starting an argument. Or it's a set up to use as an excuse to drink/ smoke weed. Like they set us up to use us as their excuse --- thinking along lines of " see, she's being a B so she made me so mad I have to drink or smoke weed now!"
Any insights?
It sounds like another "ISM" that surfaces as part of the disease of alcoholism. It is great to remember that we are powerless over people and that treating everyone with courtesy and respect is a good principle to live by regardless of how the other reacts.
Thanks hotrod. And I find it hard to not naturally love and be loving to my son--- in other words be his Mother. Yet I know now that like his Dad the behaviour is going to start again after things have been going too smoothly after awhile. They don't seem to realize either that after they start the argument then use it as an excuse to go get drunk or smoke weed that when we yell at them for that we are again loving them because I see the yelling we do is because we love them-- if we didn't care we wouldn't try to get them to stop destroying themselves. So they must like negative love rather than positive love? I am planning on really focusing on my program this week and try to get in a couple of Al anon meetings even though my work schedule is busy because I know my son has this coming Saturday off work at night and has already said he "has plans " to go out with his buddies and I know too well what that means! I want to have lots of program tools and support in my pocket so to speak so that I don't react with the yelling/ negative love routine which is what he'll be expecting.
I agree alanon's constructive tools are more productive to problem resolution and our own well being than our old tools of yelling and forcing solutions. Good Work.
I recognise that cycle. I used to ignore the negative and love the positive. Difficult to do, I used to envisage a protective mesh protecting me when the banter started and that made it easier to decide which buttons I would allow to get triggered. Of course the huff would still lead to the same results but at least I knew that I had not contributed, even as an excuse. I hope you can line up some lovely things to do for yourself this weekend.
Oh I Know that Waltz as well.. My Ahusband is a "Binge Drinker" He will allow things to Build up and Build up, and then when he can't take no more, he will "Pick a Fight" with me to Give himself Permission to Go Get Drunk... It was a Routine we did every Couple weeks or Months...
Once I Got into Recovery, I Expressed this to my Sponser, and they said... Maybe Talk to Him... when he is Sober, and Not Engaged in his ISM.. "Which at times was hard to tell" So I Did...
It went something like this: Look Honey, I Understand you have things on your Mind, and that you need to Unwind sometimes, just know that Picking a Fight with me doesn't Solve the Problems or Make either of us Feel better, if you need to Go Out... Go... If you Need a Time Out... Take one... I'm Sorry your Struggling and I Will Listen if you Talk to Me.... but I Can No Longer Take the Blame for your Anger when I know I didn't Cause it...
and I Will say, that Very thing happened more then Once... Because welp he only heard me Every 3rd Conversation most times!!!
With My Son I'm sure it would be a Different Conversation... As for the Husband to my Surprise, since I stuck by that Boundary of Not Accepting his Anger as My Fault, he didn't Run off Near as Often, and things did Sooner or Later Get Better...
One of My Favorite Saying is "Gratitude is a God Honoring Attitude" and I Do my Best to Stay In Gratitude, Even when things are Tough I Remind Myself, just how Far I have Come, and I have to Say... YOU ARE DOING GREAT...
Coming here, Sharing, Making Meetings, and Taking care of You... you are So Worth it ;)
I also know this dance well. Before program, I felt as if it was intentional and at times malicious. As I've worked this program, and learned to detach and keep the focus on me, I no longer believe this. It's a habit, a pattern and appears to be related to manipulation and the disease. When mine begin the dance, I pull out my tools and do all that I can to not JADE - justify, argue, defend or explain.
For my boys, because it seems like I lectured, coached, counseled, taught and parented ALWAYS, I have actually said to them, "Play the Tapes and You will Know my Response." They've both been in treatment so they understand my intent - which is simply, my thoughts on this subject have not changed (it is still against the law or dishonest or ....) so I have no new words to share.
I have told my sponsor that I feel like a Yo-Yo.....pulled closer at some times and then rolled away at others.
You are not alone, and my experience is similar to Jozie's - when I changed how I reacted/acted, it got better with time and practice.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sudden jolts, mood swings ... what did I do, what did I say? ... that really drove me crazy, mad, angry, furious, sad, lonely, desperate ... i just wanted to get away from it all. What's wrong with us, is it marriage problem? Went to so many counselors, alone, the two of us, shouted to each other in front of a counselor ... what a disgrace, I married this man? He doesn't drink everyday, so early on I didn't suspect alcohol. Took years to realize, or was I all the time in denial as he keeps on denying till now. What a shame, I'm married to an alcoholic. It started with accepting, it is alcohol. Researched..., till I came across AA and Al-anon. Yes, he is a binge drinker and he has an enabling mother, an alcoholic father and brother (affirmed by my MIL). So here I am needing all the ESH from my Al-anon family, one I can relate too. I hope that I too am giving as much as I am receiving.
Great awareness jocel, and you bet - by sharing your ESH, you are giving back...this disease is cunning, baffling & powerful - so grateful I found Al-Anon and wish I found it sooner but so it is...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
