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I'm working on this running dialogue in my head where my AH is so dumb and anything he does is wrong. It is mean and nasty stuff, and based on the assumption he is some how the cause of everything bad in my life and generally a bumbling idiot -- neither of which are true of course. And it's constant - he does something "wrong" and in my head is this voice, he asks a question, or takes too long doing something and there is my nasty voice in my head.
I think it has a two fold purpose, both unhealthy. It was during his drinking days a way for me to distance myself from his destructive behaviors without voicing my feelings out loud. It also reminds me of childhood abuse I heard from family members, and in some ways makes me feel better about myself by pointing out all of the ways I am better than someone else. YUCK! I have never really said these things, but I know these thoughts come across in my body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. I don't like it and I want it to stop.
In processing all of this I realized this voice in me is angry. Angry about the years of poor choices and behaviors I didn't like but never felt safe enough to address and looking for some sort of revenge through put downs. And angry too about all of the times in my life i was made to feel less than, looking for any way possible to prove those people wrong, and make myself feel better - - even by repeating the same destructive behaviors that caused my insecurity and pain.
I'm trying so hard to let go of that anger and to catch that voice when it pops into my head. I am creating safe spaces for me to address the past behaviors in a positive way, and leave them in the past. And taking steps to voice my thoughts and concerns directly but kindly in the moment. I feel like I can make progress and then things still come up that trigger this kind of thinking in my mind and I have to go back and address the same narratives of being a victim and a bully over and over again.
Are there al-anon tools or readings someone can recommend for dealing with this type of anger and inner dialogue? or the issue of blaming the alcoholic in my life for everything? I really want to focus on this issue as it keeps coming up for me.
Surely Ma`am you've come to the right place...we have tools that will help you there...Our daily readers for April 4th address that very subject, adjusting our attitudes and behaviors that have been negatively skewed by this nastiest of diseases. Your eyesight and inventory are both accurate and honest so you have a very good start on the change you need to make. You've self focused on your problem and have come to ask for help...You are an Al-Anon Family Member and now you reach out for suggestions...This is exactly how most of us do it and the first lesson I got was...do another inventory of my alcoholic/addict and list....only....the good stuff about her. I then learned to do that very same thing about myself and everyone else who was close to me who I could target from time to time as responsible for the bad stuff in my life. It is an interesting practice...one that works wonders. Let us know how it comes out for you. Pardon the light heartedness if you were not in the mood for it...day started out very well for this member. ((((hugs))))
((Dandelion)) you are not alone. I call these my ANTS Automatic negative thoughts. Thanks to alanon tools we were able to see and hear them and understand how destructive to our well being they were. Owning them, as you have done is important. I also found that picking up a slogan or the serenity prayer when I became aware of the "tape", helped to ease them and replace them with positive thoughts such as my gratitude or assets You are doing great
Thanks for your replies, I like both the idea of taking positive inventory of the targets of these thoughts and the ANT metaphor - these thoughts like ants are infesting but not big, I can eliminate them one by one and take steps to keep them from coming back so often
My "Stinking Thinking" can Come on as Quick as a Light Switch, and if I'm Not Careful Send me Wheeling out of Control... Great Awareness and Great Share... When I Realized what I was Doing, I also Realized Why... it was My Wall... If I Kept them at Arms Length All the Time, then they Couldn't Hurt Me..(Even tho I was Dying inside because of it). Even if I Loved them So Much it Hurt, I Still had that Evil Twin on my Other Shoulder telling me Everything in this World was their Fault, and My Only fault was I Loved them...
Wow was I Wrong... My Faults where Many, and Thanks to Al-Anon, I Opened up the Wounds and let them Air, and While they Aired, I Did the Work... I Love Jerry's Idea of making a Positive List of all that Bring Out my Fangs... and Hotrods on the Slogans & Serenity Prayer...
I Used the Serenity Prayer So Much... Even My Son would see I was Getting Ticked While Driving, and Look over and Smile and Say... "Mom... God Grant You the Serenity"...lol Even He Seen me turn it around, Just Like that... Because Like you, My Face Usually Gave up the Ghost of My True Feelings Whether I Voiced them Or Not... I still have Slips, Sometimes Daily... But as you said... We Can Turn those Thoughts around when we Drowned them in Positive...
I talked a bit about my body language telling my true feelings in a meeting yesterday. I can use my program tools and have the calmest, peace-filled, loving words for one of my family members, but my forehead and facial expressions speak a different tale. Unfortunately, if I am face to face, they can spot my 'tell' and don't hear the words...it's a 'me thing' - or so I thought!!
My sponsor has been an awesome tool for spouting my insanity to. I am a person who journals, so to make the most of our time, I make notes and at times write letters. I sometimes even laugh out loud as I read them as they just sound so darn crazy. I will admit - I've not been 'there' for a while, so I am grateful for the changes I have made that help me keep from 'going there'.
I too am a huge fan of the Serenity Prayer. The minute I feel like my tongue is sharpening or my eyes are going to roll, I start it in my head. When 2 of them are going at it and it's quickly chaotic, I often do the abbreviated version - "Bless Them, Change Me."
I agree with those above me - being aware of it and talking about it is half of the solution. Knowing that it no longer fits you suggests you are changing! I remember once upon a time, my ego was such that I would go to bed and wonder what they would all do without me? Well....I suppose they would be just fine << This I know now but I certainly did not know that then.
You ARE doing GREAT! Keep doing what you're doing and just keep chipping away with all the program you need! Great Topic - keep coming back Tara!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for your replies, this is really helping me think through my mental models and remove some of the judgement I have towards myself for having these thoughts - I'm not the only one with this affliction.
As I am working on this I find it kind of depressing - my old way of coping and building self worth was this internal bullying voice and now that I am un-learning that I find I don't have a solid, healthy sense of self. I feel like I am starting from scratch and relearning who I am; which sounds amazing but somehow it feels terrible.
I also noticed processing all of this has taken away from my ability to cope with other day to day stress like just getting my four year old out the door on time. Usually I can handle it with a smile and some grace, but today I just felt cranky and lost patience (not my temper, but I gave up and stopped being able to help which was just as unproductive). I feel like the work to get through this is very draining and I have to learn how to ask for support and allow myself extra time to reflect and heal.
A cup of tea and some good music before work sounds like the right thing to do
Thanks again for your shares and insights as I move through this - - I love this group
Just a Small List of things I didn't know about myself BEFORE Al-Anon... :D
I LOVE to Take Nature Pictures... (Always had a Camera, but Never took the Time)
I Love Riding My Harley (had it for Years before I Could Not Feel Guilty Riding it)
I Love to Kayak (So I Bought me My 1st one)
I Love to Draw (Never thought I Could till I Relaxed my Mine and Took my Focus Off Others)
I Love to Read (Always thought I Hated it, Here it was What I was Reading I Disliked)
I Love Taking Walks in the Woods ALONE (I was Always Afraid to be Alone)
I Love Spending Time with Children (I Started to Volunteer at My son's School)
I Love ME (Never before Would I think I Could Ever Say that...)
I Love Scrambled Eggs, Mushrooms & Cheese (I Ate was Convenient for Others)
I Always wanted to Learn to Crochet (I'm Left Handed & Could Never Figure it Out) YOUTUBE is AWESOME :) I now... LOVE to Crochet Mostly Make it up as I Go, and it allows me to Express myself & Create things that Make me Happy :)
All these things came to be, Because I Quit "Directing Other Peoples Lives" which left me Plenty of Time for find the Things I love... I Had a Spell where I thought "DANG... Can I Do This, My Life Has Just Went from Crazy to Boring as Heck Over Night" :/ And My Al-Anon Family Encouraged Me to Take Care of ME... Go Out, Laugh, Dance, Find what You Love...
And Sometimes that is Now as Simple as Like You Stated "A Good Cup of Tea & Good Tunes"... Yet Another thing I Never took the Time for...
You are Doing GREAT :) I Struggle Daily with Judgment, but Me and HP are Both Working Very Hard to Turn that Around :)
I am so grateful for this thread. I know that voice in my head can be a real witch. And I also know the witch gets out of my head and in to the universe now and then. I can be condescending and glib. I can be disrespectful and disdainful. I can make myself a victim in no time flat. None of which comprise the woman of grace and integrity I am striving to be. I find that sometimes I have to be an active listener and ignore the voice in my head. I find that sometimes I have to stop the voice with a gentle reminder of what kind of energy I want to put out to the universe and to those I love. But it is a constant reminding myself sometimes and it gets tiresome. I do know that it is on my face even when it does not escape my lips. And I will keep working the Al-Anon program and hand it over to my HP and eventually it will not happen (so much!!).
Thanks for sharing this. You are not alone. And we feel very much the same.
Beth
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Apparently my inner voice is also insane sometimes. My son has a character sweatshirt he got from a neighbor as a hand-me-down. I saw two other boys at his school withthe same sweatshirt. So, naturally crazy inside my head voice decides this is a major issue, lice! And maybe somebody is taking his sweatshirt . . . which I don't have any real attachment to but in the moment it seemed like a serious problem.
I had an urge to check all the tags. . .on the sweatshirts these kids were still wearing. Because I needed to be sure they weren't my son's. Lol. Ummm I stopped myself but that is pretty intrusive and petty to even think that way. I kept it to myself, collected the three orher extra swearshirts my son had at school and in the car and took my crazy thoughts home with me.
We have enough sweatshirts, nobody has lice, there is no preschool clothing conspiracy I need to investigate. I slowed myself down and stopped inventing problems to fix, stopped assuming the worst in people and took some time to laugh at myself, and stop this type of thoughts before they fester or I decide to act on them.
Thank you so much for this light hearted reply. I really loved the idea of making a list of the good things in my husband, and myself. I'm going to do this. I've been taking the negative inventory this week, so far. It's time for some positivity.
(((Tara)) I so understand Thank for sharing with such honesty and humor. You used your tools- did not react and saved your sanity and serenity. That is how to work it.
Tara - my inner voice holds onto my child within (I think)....I don't know for sure, but I do know that no matter how long I am in recovery, many times, my first thoughts are not the most mature, rational, logical ones. Even if I get the adult thoughts first, the crazy, immature ones follow......I just accept it and like you, am able to not react on them and find some humor.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know this guy who is an AA old-timer who shares some great insights with me on this kind of stuff. He explained to me once that when his thoughts 'threw a tantrum" he treated them like he would an angry child...he mentally sat back, folded his arms and let his thoughts kick and scream and carry on and when they were done, he would say, in his mind "OK, I've heard you, now we're going to do it MY way, OK?"
I thought this was a pretty good visualisation so I use it a lot now.
I find it really helpful
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
