The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm taking college classes online. One of my current classes is "Marriage and Family" for my Humanities credits. In my required reading for this week, there was a chapter about the Social Exchange Theory. Basically, its saying that in a marriage, a person would only want to stay in the marriage if they were getting out more than they were putting in. It's cost vs. rewards. To be happy in a marriage, the rewards have to be greater than the cost. I don't see why this can't apply to any relationship. I think this is true. I don't think people do anything unless they feel like they're going to get something out of it. It even applies to charity. It could cost you time, money, or energy, but you get a good feeling from it. It improves your state of mind. In my psychology class, I read about how helping others can help with depression because of the good feelings it causes. Helping others helps you at the same time.
So, I started analyzing my relationship and I really do feel like I'm getting more out of it than I'm putting in. I'm putting in time, energy, and love. I'm putting in fidelity and support; partnership and companionship. I'm getting all those things back. It does cost me time worrying and it costs me energy from stress, but I still feel like the rewards are greater than the costs. I think all of those things seem more rewarding on the receiving end than costly on the giving end.
Anyway, I just thought this was interesting and it applies to all relationships, including relationships with alcoholics.
I think the diffifulty with addiction in relationships is that eventually and not maybe the scales tip to an inequal level. A person with an addiction will feed it until they can't or they recover. Take cigarettes for example. I'm a smoker. And I don't want to smoke. But I'm terribly awfully addicted. I can honestly say if I had to choose food or cigs it'd be cigs. I'd like to think if we were on our bare bones I'd buy the food. But I don't know that I would. It'd take a hugeeffort to not smoke and feed my kids. Of course I'd want to feed them. But I may not be able to. My addicted brain however doedoesn't buy the whole economic argument. I can afford my smokes. But deep down I know its got me. And I'm grateful I don't have to make that choice. Maybe if I had to make it, it'd break it. Or maybe it would just cause us pain. Alcoholism takes more than it gives and that's a guarantee. Its sadly and simply just a matter of time. To be sure there are moments and equally sure enjoy them for what they are as they happen, thays what it is to stay in the moment. But over time those moments lose their ability to hold us in the exchange. Unless you go down another level and get honest about what's really in it for yourself. I didn't like what I found. But I'm sure glad I found it! And I keep on checking with this programme, cos were fluid beings not static rocks. Nice to meet you btw
I agree with this theory. We always get rewards. There are big rewards in our own misery too if we're honest enough to look for then. I found my rewards were self pity. I got to wallow rather than make changes. I got to play roles of victim and martyr, this Fed my ego and got me attention I craved. Basically for me alcoholism allowed me to have someone to blame for my unhappiness and I got to have bo responsibility for my own life x
This is why alanon asks us to "keep the focus on ourselves, examine our motives and make a searching inventory. This way we discover our hidden agenda and are better able to let go of our destructive behavior .
