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The guy I remember made a bit of an appearance (not in person). He called several times and when I didn't answer he said (texted) he wanted to know how I was (remember he left bc he "wasn't equipped" to deal with my illness). We exchanged a few texts and then he asked if he could call that night. I agreed. He never called and didn't respond to my "are you okay" text the following morning... Until 9p the next night when he said he was sorry but was busy with clients (he is a sports agent). I said "ok, that's all you had to say". At this point he told me he would call me later that evening. Except this time, when he didn't - I called and texted him an embarrassing amount. The only thing I received back? "I was with the guys at a strip club, and now going to spend weekend with gf". What the actual f*ck, guys? HE asked ME to talk.
Now I'm just even more devastated and have the same longing for the guy I know, but even more intense. Yesterday was the last message I sent and it simply asked "what happened". He read it but didn't answer. I can't even explain the pain I feel surrounding his behavior, and his new 'gf'. Every part of me wants to text, email, and call his a** until he gives a real explaination for EVERYTHING. Believe it or not, this is the abridged version of the past two weeks' drama. I really appreciate any support and/or ESH.
Hope you're all well. XO
-- Edited by Jaclyn on Sunday 3rd of April 2016 02:05:42 PM
Unavailability makes our craving for them more intense. A truly available, healthy person gives the other person a sense of calm and happiness. Not this intense upset and craving. The craving is a sign that the other person isn't available, which triggers our "get this settled" response.
The saying that helped me was "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." The drive to "win" was so intense. But it did me no good whatsoever. Some days I had to detach 10,000 times. But that's what saved me. Hugs.
That has to be rough. I'm sorry. But you're strong and you have support. Don't let him get to you. It is very hard to completely step away from someone you love. I think the best way is to completely cut off contact. I had to do that with my mother. She has been with an abusive **** for more than 20 years. I couldn't stand to watch it anymore, so I haven't spoken to her in nearly a year. It removed a lot of stress from my life. I still love her, but I can't help her.
Jaclyn - in my life and program, actions speak louder than words. This applies to my qualifiers and others too. People I can count on and have a healthy relationship do what they say. For the other flaky people in my life, I have the power of choice on whether they are/are not a part of my circle. I have learned who truly cares for me and who likes to keep me hanging, just in case they need something. I have learned to NEVER count on this latter group - if they say they will call and they don't, no issue - I didn't expect it. If they say they will call and they do, I am pleasant and stay present.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. It doesn't sound to me as if he's a very reliable person in your circle. I do realize you are home bound and under the weather so perhaps upping your online meetings and/or your literature readings would help.
The last time I spoke with my oldest son, he was very dismissing and disrespectful. I blocked him on my mobile phone and also unplugged the home phone. I no longer will allow that kind of behavior directed at me. I am not sad at all - I am loving him from across the street and hoping that he grows up a bit. I don't allow people to mistreat me any more for any reason. I move on as there are too many others who do love and respect me and treat me proper.
Only you can decide if you want to continue your role in his life. At this point, I'm not sure what that role is but it doesn't sound healthy or two-way to me.
Keep coming back - keep working on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think the only thing to be done in this sort of situation is to take away the bad baby's toys, and that's what he sounds like; a narcisistic manipulative baby (however nice he was before). It really sounds to me like he's preying on his ability to twist your emotions and make you feel miserable, and in my experience the only way to make people like this desist is to remove my reactions completely because that's what they are looking for. I would not respond or reply to him under any circumstances after he has played this game with you this many times already.
Maybe he was drunk, or hung over when he contacted you, or maybe he has the kind of nasty ego that needs to know you're miserable and missing him and enjoys seeing lots of desperate angry texts from you. Whatever the situation, every contact from him seems to hurt you and i think I would go no contact if it was me and dive into recovery.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks to all that replied. All that was shared makes sense... I think being physically debilitated during this is making it about 10000x worse, because I don't even have school or exercise to distract myself. Any more ESH would be most appreciated. Thanks again.
Sorry to hear your still not well. Your posts remind me of my first exbf. I echo the detach and dive into recovery suggestions. Some say the only way out is through but boy oh boy is that a long draining hurting ride. Stay safe, hope you can read some literature and make some e-meetings.
Trying to get an alcoholic to meet your emotional needs is challenging. All I see is a lapse into the pattern that was likely there all throughout your relationship. Actually it is not surprising he acted this way when you look at it in a detached way. This wishy washy throwing out nuggets of availability to you and then leaving you hanging is pretty common for him no? Yes, expecting different was on you, but not something to beat yourself up over. Validate yourself, keep learning and move forward.
Jaclyn - ideas I have while you are stuck @ home....
Read Literature
Watch Speakers on the Web about Al-Anon
Practice mindfulness (google it)
Practice meditation
Call Local Al-Anon places seeking fellowship contact numbers
Research on web Detachment, Recovery, Enabling, etc.
Work on the Steps
That's my brainstorm for this morning....maybe others will join in. You are not limited in recovery - one foot in front of the other doing whatever you can to be the best you can be!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
First I want to Say, PRAYERS For you & Your Health... I Can't imagine but Feel Heart felt pain for you... I Too would be Stir Crazy if I Couldn't get out and Move around, and All I had was My Thoughts...
I have had those Very Kind of Relationships as Well, Not always with my BF... But things I Had to Realize is they made their Choice, and I Can A) Accept it or B) Keep Throwing Myself at their Mercy... and I Can Tell ya, B Only Caused Pain, Disappointment, and Despair :/ and if I was Really Going to Roll with A) Well then I had to Get Real with Me...
Step 4... Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory... I had to Figure out Why I Needed this Negative Relationship? Why I was Allowing them this Space in My Head? In My Life? I had to Realize MY Life Was Deserving of Better, and when I Got Honest, I Seen my Ego, My Selfishness, My Sanity was Leaving me Due to My Choices... Not theirs...
Also, I Would Call My Sponsor/Program Friend and Have a Good Cry, and have a Mini Meeting on the Phone, and Be Honest with Myself & them, Read My Daily's (Just open them up and See What they Picked:)... I'd Hit a Meeting Here at MIP, I'd Make a F2F for Added Support, It was No Easy Ride, but when I Started "Blocking" their Number on My Phone, My FB, My Social ANYTHING.... My Life Got Better, When I Stopped Giving in to their Requests Only to Be Let Down, My Life Got Better, and When I Started Focusing on Me... I Got Better :)
So Prayers for your Health, Heart & Recovery... May you Be Lifted to the Gifts You Deserve... LIFE :)
Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest
Friends in Recovery
