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I was sitting here typing up the hell-ish day I had with my exABF; each time I type a sentence I erase. Realizing how ridiculous my decision have been to get me to this level of chaos that I am facing right now.
I am still trying to control things despite us not even being together. However; he moved out but I didn't get the key back. I keep telling him we need to talk but I never push the subject. I keep threatening for him to not be able to see the dog; yet I don't follow through. Today I realized why. Its because I am still so hurt by his choice to leave me for the other woman or as he puts it "right now I'm choosing me"(isn't that a slap in the face that "choosing me" entails dating another woman..but I digress). I know that the biggest stressor in their relationship is his want to maintain connection with me and the dog. I know that I am the only one that will be able to take the step to make a total separation happen; and yet I pause at it; because it means, as ugly as it sounds; that she won.
I made a choice to keep my ex in my life at a level that I knew only would result in exactly what it did today. His failed admission to the other girl that he was stopping by the house; her driving by the house to find his car and me left holding the dog while he went after her.
A text later stating: "don't respond to her if she contacts you, she's emotionally volitile right now"
I responded: "I'm not getting in the middle, being the cause of any fight, being the punching bag or fall back anymore"
He stated "don't worry you wont see her car at your house anymore"
I responded "it's not about the car at my house it's about you and her being in my life still" (which--I recognize is only occuring due to my failed attempt to cut all ties), I want our friendship just not at the cost of my own sanity"
He replied "(some excuse about why she freaked out) and then "being friends WONT cost you your sanity"
me: "I need to step away because my feelings are too strong"
him: "no you don't"
I didn't respond. I didn't even know how to...because I realized we got back into this weird manipulative trap with each other that keeps ups connected. He then proceeded to give me an update on a treatment friend that "fell of the wagon" and no one has heard of for days. I paused and realized what was happening; he was trying to gain my empathy and take the focus off him.
Focus on me in this chaos of today.
1) I chose to keep him in my life; hanging on to the "friendship" so why am I surprised that this even happened....because this was the same resulted 9 months ago when we "broke up" and he dated her before treatment but we maintained our friendship.
2) my higher power has sent me little signs all week that it's time to let go and let God. I was starting to listen and then became fearful and stopped listening--resulting in what happened today
3) I'm still so impacted by this disease and so thankful for Al Anon
Loving someone that loves someone else is the most difficult feeling to feel in this world. And regardless of if the alcholoic in your life has affairs or not; we all have loved someone that has loved something more than us. Afterall, that is why we are here, isn't it?
-- Edited by Crau on Saturday 2nd of April 2016 11:04:41 PM
-- Edited by Crau on Saturday 2nd of April 2016 11:06:00 PM
I can relate to a point in regards to my exAH cheating, but he never left me for any of them. I am reminded of a great saying, when you find that your lover has been stolen the best gift to yourself is to let them keep him, maybe not exact, but that is the gist. I had no self esteem and always felt so good that he always came back home to me, like I was somehow winning. After so many years of al-anon I don't understand this, but pre al-anon it made much more sense. I had always wanted him and was trying to build my white picket fence around this moving target for so many years. After 10 years and a kid he finally settled down a little and married me. We lasted 5 long years married and the whole time was not what I had imagined. I should have felt like I won, right! It was anything but winning and I couldn't do it to myself or my children ever again. I deserve so much more then the manipulative game playing that was my life for over 15 years. I met my exAH at 17 and man I wish I could go back at 37 and give that girl a talk. You deserve so much more and I hope you can make good healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe and moving forward. The al-anon books, meetings, and my sponsor helped me dig in and learn to love myself enough to let go of all the hurt that kept me miserable and start to see the life I had only dreamed of was ahead of me. I am proof that life can and will get better when you work your program diligently. You are worth so much more! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sending you positive thoughts - you are processing differently and seeing your truth. Sometimes, when we realize or see our part in things, it's hard to accept and swallow. Awareness in my journey has been a conduit for change, usually for the better. I so agree with BreakingFree - you are worth so much more.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have the power to focus on you and your recovery. It takes practice, practice and a bit more practice, but it's worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Nothing changes if nothing changes is the slogan I've been saying over and over in my head. I'm so mad at myself right now for getting stuck in the weird game of back and forth again. I had the power to stop the cycle and I wasn't strong enough to do so.
I thought I wanted his friendship because deep down we have an amazing one. But like I said I think I want it because I know that he won't be able to fully give himself to her which in turn also shoots me in the foot keeping me from a healthy relationship.
I'm so angry at him and her all the time. Yet I'm angry at myself for keeping in this chaos for almost 2 years more. I'm not ready to let go but man, my higher power is pretty much giving me the go sign little my little each day.
Thanks for the kind words...I know I am worth more...I just need to start treating myself like I believe it
Working Steps 4 through 10 helped me to let go of the negative destructive tools that I used to hurt myself . I urge you to work the Steps with your sponsor -- You will be pleased that you did.
I have a friend who broke up with the boyfriend and they worked out a "custody "agreement over the dog. They have little contact and arrange to exchange at the puppy park. It works for both of them, as well as the puppy.
Good Luck.
