The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My BF and I have been together for about a year and a half. Most of that time he was a high functioning alcoholic. It really didn't sink in until he moved in with me and I saw that it wasn't just a weekend thing. We had fought about his "heavy drinking" prior to his moving in but nothing changed. I know - I shouldn't have let him move his stuff in but I kept believing everything was ok...
After about 3 months of living together, I confronted him about the drinking. I told him our relationship was dying because of it. I didn't want to go anywhere with him, not on vacation, not out to dinner because he always drank too much and I did't want it in my life.
Nothing changed.
Finally, I had had enough. He had ruined a few nice occasions and I broke up with him. Cue the "dramatic change" montage. He cried and promised that everything would change. To his credit, everything has. He's been in AA and counselling for 3 months and seems to be doing very well.
I am very happy for him. But I am not happy with him. I thought time would help but it's not. I am sad, I feel trapped. He's SO HAPPY and I feel terrible for not being as happy as him. He makes it clear he loves me incredibly. He does everything "right" (sometimes it comes across as fake but mostly it seems genuine). Every day I feel like it's just ... wrong. I can't explain it more than that.
I keep thinking more time will help but every day is the same. I am irritable around him. There are always new behaviours that grate on my nerves (like "baby talk" all of the time). I don't feel physically intimate but fake it so he's not upset.
I just need the courage to do what I think needed to be done 3 months ago. 6 actually... I managed to become co-dependant and that's not really like me, which is why my alarm bells are all ringing!! All the time. I just feel like a horrible person for wanting to leave him...
Becoming sober will benefit him more than anyone else in his life (though everyone benefits). So if you helped urge him into recovery, you have done something wonderful.
But basically we are under no obligation to be with someone we don't care for in the right way. Would you want someone to stay with you if they didn't really care for you in the right way, and if they had to fake it to be affectionate with you? They wouldn't really be doing you a favor, would they?
If you can separate calmly and affectionately, though he may well be offended now, it gives the best chance of a good friendship down the line. If you wait until he drives you nuts and you start having arguments all the time, there will be less chance of ending up friends. You can still offer him caring and good wishes even if you are no longer romantically involved. It also frees him to find someone who's really right for him.
Alanon face to face meetings will help you
On many levels even if you do not stay
together. When one starts AA it is highly
recommended the partner starts alanon.
That way everyone is on the same Page and
you both are working on your own separate
Recovery.
You each have your own higher power and
Issues. Its not a joint effort. Your ABF goes
To his sponsor for his issues not you.
Early recovery is not easy for many. There
Is nothing wrong with living seperate, that
Was suggested to me when my xah were
Having so many troubles.
Each person work on themselves And then
When you are both emotionally healthy Work
on the relationship. Healthy Relationships
Take two mature adults.
I do understand and would simply like to say that it is extremely important for you to clear up the wreckage of the past so you are able let go of the negative attitudes and pain from living with the disease of alcoholism.
I found if I did not do this, I could not seriously have a happy, joyful relationship with anyone including myself.
Attending alanon face to face meetings ,working the Steps, using the slogans are the tools to embark on the road to freedom I urge you to attend. Keep coming back as well. You are not alone
I have always believed that Al Anon wold help so many people: people who don't even realize they have become codependent in their relationships. I would look at this relationship as a chance for you to learn more about yourself. First, you were unhappy because he was drinking too much and now you're unhappy with him in general. So the question is: is this about him or is it about you? I have learned through Al Anon to always look at the role I play in the relationship. Your answer may be just that you and this man aren't compatible no matter what and maybe it's run it's course and has taught you the life lessons you needed to learn. It could be that there is more to be learned here by YOU about YOU and that maybe this is just the start of the journey.
Whatever the answer is; only you can do the searching and finding and healing and restoring. Let your BF find his recovery. Start putting the focus on you. Work on acceptance: both of him and of your own feelings and self love and esteem. You may find that the relationship has run it's course and that you need to move on or you may be surprised to find that you've found new meaning with him and with yourself. HUGS to you. It's a hard journey, being in relationships, whether there is addiction or alcoholism involved. Sending you lots of support and hoping you find a great meeting near you where you learn the principles that make Al Anon work for so many people today.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Wow!! you got the courageous responses that needed to be said from the awesome ladies of the MIP board. Might be you are feeling like you do now because you were looking for justification to him to leave and what he did was change. OH SHUCKS!! So now what? This involves the question we all get to ask ourselves, "What is my part in it"? Whether my alcoholic/addict was gone or not I still would carry on with myself with the same consequences regardless of anyone else.
I suggest what the others have suggested. I suggest them because it is what I did and what I still do now...get to the face to face meeting rooms of the AL-ANON Family Groups and sit down and listen. I did that for 90 days in a row and you can choose your method or not however self discovery in AL-ANON is priceless. Might be that you are not happy because that is just who your are? Go find out. Keep coming back and reading and joining in. ((((hugs))))
z88174 - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared!
I gotta add as others before me - take some time to heal and deal with the affects of living with the disease of Al-Anon. I can speak from experience that when one person in a relationship recovers and the other doesn't, there will be a bit of a disconnect and resentments. Al-Anon will give you the tools you need to re-balance yourself, get your sanity back and then to make decisions that are in your best interest for your happiness and future.
Nobody in Al-Anon should convince you to stay or to leave. We don't offer advice, but rather offer ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) so that you can stand on your own and make the best decision for your circumstance. Recovery is hard work and is a personal journey. It's OK that he's doing great and you're uncertain. It's OK that you don't know what you want and it's OK that you have anger, sadness, resentments, etc. How you are right now is exactly how you are supposed to be.
All that can and will change if you step away from what you've been going through and just focus on you. For me, this is where Al-Anon was so very helpful - it tells me to focus on me, my emotions, actions, reactions. It teaches me that I own those and my own happiness no matter what another is doing or is not doing. Al-Anon gave me permission to say, "I don't know how I feel." as this was an answer in my mind but I had fear to admit it.
Choose you - attend a few Al-Anon meetings and see how it feels. You are worth it! Keep coming back and know that you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for your responses. I was considering Al-Anon but I live in an area that is mostly French speaking and I don't communicate as well in French. I went into therapy for several months, something I have done off and on with the same therapist over the years. I may go back a few times while I work out this issue.
My relationship is more of a "failure to launch" problem than what many of you brave ladies are going through and have gone through. We haven't been together that long. We have no children, engagement or marriage. He moved into my apartment only because he owned a house with his ex-girlfriend and it took many months for it to sell. When it finally did, we had been together for 8 months and we weren't quite sure what to do next. That was where I should have just put the brakes on. I was already uncomfortable with his "heavy drinking" and we had even broken up once because of it (he left me once when I complained). He had all the excuses. "It's Christmas". "It's New Years". "It was a special occasion".
I was at 9 months of being together that I started to shut down. I sat him down to tell him that. To say "this relationship is NOT progressing because of your drinking". And he did nothing. I gave him a few months but during those months I was pulling away because I already knew I didn't want that in my life. And again - it's not like we had 11 years of marriage. The relationship never really got off the ground even though he is really a nice guy when he's sober.
I will see if I can find an English Al-Anon in my area...
You sound good, glad you have a good therapist
To talk things out with. Many of us grew up in the
Disease or the dysfunction then marry into it so
In essense we have a lifetime to recover from.
I've spent a lot of money on that therapist and it's been put to good use!!! I still have a large problem with "letting people down" - like in this case. It's like I need permission to feel like I can leave this relationship because he loves me very much and I just wasn't able to overcome all of the dysfunction.
This is something I really will have to work on and perhaps Al-Anon can help.
ZZ recovery takes and is "practice" we get to "practice" daily and on purpose because the consequence is we get incredibly well. Get well sister, you're a much better person for it. (((((hugs)))))
