The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
J came over last night for a short while. He was completely sober. We spent some time cuddling and talking - basically just enjoying each other's company. I never feel better than when I'm laying next to him with my head on his chest and his arms around me. I think that's why this semi-separation is so hard. I'm happier when I'm with him. Even when he drinks, because he never gets mean or angry or abusive at all. He's always sweet and loving - whether sober or drunk. I miss him being here. My apartment just feels so lonely now. It didn't before he moved in with me, but now it does. I'm meeting him when he takes his lunch break from work later. In a way, it almost feels like the beginning of a brand new relationship. I have nervous butterflies but I'm also feeling really happy. I believe in him.
Are there different levels of alcoholism? I know some people have trouble staying sober for even a few days. J can stay sober for a few weeks at a time - usually when he has his daughter. Over the summer, he had her for a month straight and he didn't touch a drop. In fact, Tuesday was the first time I have ever known him to drink when he had her. I asked him why he did and he said, "No reason I could come up with would be satisfactory. I don't even know." I'm just trying to understand what he's going through.
Take your time WL, learn all you can about the disease. There is no rush, if he loves you today, he will still love you in the future, watch and wait, time will answer your questions. Linsc
Yes, alcoholism can take different forms. One reason my A ex-husband's situation was so difficult is that he can go months at a time without drinking. But when he does drink, whoa Nelly. He endangered our toddler too when he was drunk - our toddler could have fallen out a large window that opened to the ground on an upper story, which my A left wide open, and then passed out, leaving our toddler without supervision in the room for hours. It was a miracle that nothing bad happened. That was the moment I knew that I could never trust him and that I had to leave. He had been sober for months beforehand. And because he could stay sober for months, he was doubly insistant that he was in complete control of the problem, that there was no reason to worry, etc. Sometimes he stays sober for months and has one terrible night of out-of-control drinking. (One of those I never would have even known about if not for the DUI.) Sometimes when he gets drunk, it goes on for a month or more. Then there will be nine months of sobriety again. But the drunkenness always comes back. For years I had thought this was a stable situation (bad as it is, because you never know when the next binge is coming). But after years of more or less stability, he is now heading downhill and there is more and more drunkenness, and fewer and fewer of the sober periods.
I can hear in your post many of the feelings I felt. There is something about the near-unavailability of the alcoholic which can increase the craving for us. "I almost lost him to alcoholism! But now I have him back!" And for me it was always, "I will hold on for dear life!" And - in the face of mounting evidence - "I bet this isn't really a problem. I will make it not be a problem." (Unspoken: "Because I can't handle the loss if it actually is a problem.") And there's something about the intensity that is a helpful jolt to the system to those of us who suffer from low-level depression. "A challenge! I will overcome it! We're in this together! Love will conquer."
Oh, how much I wanted him. But the "him" wasn't really available. I thought that "true love" meant that I stuck by him through thick and thin. (That was, anyway, my characterization of my dependency.) Now I realize that self-protection is better for me in the big picture than "true love."
For me, my A was my own addiction. Sometimes I think about how those days were and a big yearning and craving comes over me, and a little odd voice that still wants to assure me: "This feeling means it is right. Just plunge in there and savor the love." I had to go through fire to learn that he didn't have it in him to do a healthy relationship. What I learned was invaluable, but I wish I hadn't had to go through so much pain and so many years to learn it.
My situation is different in that all situations are different. If you cultivate awareness and practice the tools of Al-Anon, good answers will be there.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease and often it is fatal to the non-drinker also. Not here to scare you however fear is often a great mover toward recovery; for us and for the alcoholic. Good Luck. ((((hugs))))
I agree with Jerry.....trying to understand variations of alcoholics is just another version of trying to control that which is beyond our scope. In AA, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I am a double winner, and have seen fall-down drink every day people as well as some who drank to black-out one time, were horrified and scared and decided to join AA for a way to not do 'it' any more.
The important aspects I hold on to include:
- It's a disease, not a choice.
- It's progressive, and often fatal if not treated.
- Relapse happens, but the seeds are planted.
- As long as one is breathing, there is still hope.
- Showing compassion for a sicker person keeps me more serene than being angry or disappointed.
Keep coming back and take care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi whiskey. I relate a great deal to what you've written. I still feel that way about my A half the time, and we've been together ten years. I still feel more completely happy than ever curled up in his arms (when he's sober). We lived together for 8 years, and now we don't live together because I can't handle his drunken outbursts anymore nor can I stand to be his mother, provider, bank, cleaning lady, secretary, alarm clock, social worker, and so on. You get the idea. But love him I do, and when he's sober he loves me back. So we don't live together, anymore, he lives with his brother about an hour away, and we see each other every few weeks and speak every day and now when we see each other, he's usually on his best behaviour and it's nice. I'm pretty happy, he is mostly happy (he'd like to move back in together and I know he'd revert to old habits in a heartbeat). I am hoping we will continue like this and travel together in the future and that sounds like a perfectly happy life to me, now. Why am I telling you this? Because it doesn't HAVE to be a certain way, and you don't have to spend any time or effort re-arranging the future in your head so that it fits a certain "idea". (He will get sober and stay sober, we will live together/get married/buy a nice house/blah blah blah). I thought it did have to fit into a certain ideal, so I wasted a good 8 years just trying to find a way to convince myself and anyone who would listed that he WANTED to do better, and he WANTED to have a stable job and a great future and it was GOING to get better and eventually we would be a normal happy family. It was ALL dependent on him doing what i wanted to convince myself and everyone else that he wanted to do (get sober, be a hard working always reliable guy). And because i obviously wanted that so much HE tried to convince himself and me and everyone else that he wanted that "ideal" as well, when he clearly didn't and doesn't. That's not who he is or what he wants and as soon as I start to develop an expectation that he will do anything at all, even if it's be sober on a certain day...then I'm destined for heartache. If theres one thing you can't do in a relationship with an active alcoholic partner, it's make plans. So why was I always trying SO hard to do just that? I couldn't even plan a single night out with him so what was I doing trying to plan a lifetime?? Crazy!!! So what changed for me was, through al-anon, I learned to let go of wanting him to change or letting my happiness be dictated by whether or not he was sober and instead learned to focus on me and what I want and need, and adjusted my circumstances to allow me to meet my own needs (for example I couldn't study or be a good parent with a drunk keeping us awake every night). I decided to let go of control and the way it has turned out is perfect for us for the moment, and I'm happy. He is who he is and he does what he does and the same is true for me, and when we come together it's usually great, and sometimes he's drunk and it's awful and that's how it is and I'm content for today. Anyway I'm sorry that I've written a novel about this but what i'm getting at is, for me, happiness meant my boyfriend was sober and happy. Or even happy. Al-anon helped me discover what my own happiness really looked like and how to make it not at all dependent on the actions of another person and that has been a fantastic and liberating experience for me. It's strengthened me, strengthened my relationship, my parenting, in ways I couldn't have imagined. I hope you'll consider going to meeting and giving it a shot because I reckon it sounds like you would reap the rewards as well. I also hope you'll tell us a bit about yourself and your own hopes and dreams. Those are what are important here Hugs!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 2nd of April 2016 09:24:33 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
