The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I haven't dated in a looong time. I have been asked out to dinner. I consider him a friend, we have known each other for a while. We actually went to school together, so we talked every day. I was very comfortable talking to him. I don't see any red flags as far as temperament.He was very respectful. I would be totally comfortable going out to dinner and being goofy and even like if I had a big green broccoli between my teeth, we would just both laugh. So my brain has been on overdrive, asking questions, like, am I going to get crazy, am I going to able to stay true to myself, am I going to go backwards, etc. AAAAAH, yeah just a little anxiety about how this is going to go. I know that he is very interested in pursuing a relationship, he likes me a lot and I like him a lot, well that is new also, you know what I mean? So basically I am driving myself crazy, any thoughts, and first time daters after getting in recovery, can you relate???
Mary - my brain can be like that with everything.....it (for some reason) seems hard-wired to over-think, over-process and then project. The good news in recovery - my projections aren't always doom/gloom - they are either neutral or happy. However, I end up processing in a circle and then ask HP to bring me back to the here and now - it's dinner!!!
But yes - I can totally relate. I hope you can go, smile, laugh and stay present! Enjoy the company, the meal and the moment!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank You for your input, I really appreciate it.I do overthink a lot, so I am definitely going to work on that. Mirandac I am sorry you are still in the grief process, I know it is hard and I know you will get through it. For me, My sense of humor is back, and all in all I have been doing really good emotionally, I had a rough day a couple of days ago because of my mom being sick, but I am okay now.I feel like it is time to really keep moving forward, but that is just for me, and I am able to laugh at myself and just be more real than I ever have so I think it will be fine.
I don't really have any kind of experience to share. Here's my 2 cents anyway. If you never try, you can never succeed. If you never get on a bike, you will never fall but you will never ride, either. If you want to live, you have to be prepared to be hurt. And when you get hurt, you have to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep on going. These are lessons I learned after going through a lot of bad stuff and falling into a horrible depression. I've been on meds for a couple of months and I'm feeling so much better. I'm finally living again instead of just surviving. So, try to live. When you're old, you will regret it if you don't.
Had this happen to me. after i moved away from XAH, boyfriend from 25 yrs ago and i found each other again. We have been together 4 happy months. I found that establishing boundaries and being honest and talking to each other about what we want and dont want, things we have to be aware of helps. i am honest and upfront with him and expect him to be the same with me. I emphasized my need to retain myself as a seperate independant person. He has his bug aboos but no addictions. He is supportive, kind to me,appreciwative as well as loving and lots of fun. what joy it is to smile and laugh again. Give yourself this gift of companionship,you deserve it!! and so do I !!
Mary Remind yourself that you are different now /You are not the same person who became stuck in negative relationships because you now have new constructive tools to live by .
These are meetings, slogans, licing one day at a tiem, focused on yourself with detachment and HP . Read the Stickly with the Promisesat eh topp of the Board and I suggest that you let go of the fear, be present and take the risk
Oooh, Oohh.....pick me!!!! I have been with my guy for a year now but the first 5-6 months was torture for me. I was very crazy in the head, lol. I kept reminding myself that if I didn't risk in love, I would never get any reward. I knew I wanted to give dating a try mostly just to have fun and converse with men. I didn't expect to fall in love, fall in love with another man's children, and be ready to move in with him soon.....THAT was totally unplanned and unexpected!!!
I practiced my slogans: one day at a time, let go and let God, and I actually keep a dating journal. I write about my feelings, I sometimes write "I HATE MEN, they suck" and then the next day I write, "I am crazy about him, what the heck was my problem yesterday, LOL?"
Just go with the flow and I swear you will use your program more now than you did when you lived with the active disease. This is the time when we see just how great our program really, how much we have learned to love ourselves, how much we believe in ourselves and in our worth, we learn to actually implement boundaries in a healthy way, we learn how to ask for what we need and want in a relationship and let go of the outcome. It's hard but i've found dating to be a really great place for me to learn about myself and give me a chance to refocus on me, while at the same time learning how to trust and love someone else. It's been a wonderful ride for me!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
andromeda, I love what you are saying," this is the time when we see just how great our program is", I can't just sit at home by myself for the rest of my life and never take a risk again. There is no way to know exactly where a relationship is going to go anyway, so I am just going to have to take the plunge and see.
I'm not in the same boat as in there is one guy, however I'm trying to get comfortable with the idea of being pursued and that's challenging because I have only dated one guy since my split with my XAH 4 years ago. I'm ok with that because I have been working on me however YES .. I do the same thing if someone approaches me .. LOL.
Thanks to good girlfriends I'm being forced out and that is ok because 4 years ago I wasn't even willing to think about it .. I'm in a willing state, it will take someone with a whole lot of patience and willingness to have some fun as well as relax. I don't want to sit and obsess over defining the relationship because that means not staying in the present.
:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yeah, I was starting to turn into the crazy cat lady myself, and I am like , um no, don't want to go there. Seriously with my history I could totally just hide away and never try again,and I see people doing that and I don't think that is healthy either.That is just my opinion.
Mary do whats in your best interest. My mental
And emotional Health is not all that great so it
would be a disaster From start to finish plus when
i think of dating i Shudder. Pretty good signs I am
not ready to even consider male friend Date.
Um, is there something wrong with being a crazy cat lady? I'm adopting 2 kittens from my aunt in a couple of weeks when they're weaned. Adorable little boys; one black and one orange. And I've been doing some serious thinking - wondering if 2 kittens is really enough. I think 3 is a better number. My friend just happens to be giving away a beautiful gray and white female who will be weaned around a week or so after the boys. And I don't want to be outnumbered by the boys, right? My apartment is small, but cats aren't that big. And as long as I scoop the litter box a couple times a day, it should be fine, right???
Mirandic I completely agree with you, if you aren't in a good emotional place dating isn't a good choice, but if it is just total fear stopping you I think it can get even as unhealthy.
oh gosh I didn't mean to come across as hateful, believe me I am not that kind of person at all. I usually try to post carefully because I know if you don't know someone their comments can be misunderstood. I love animals, I have three cats. I was trying to distinguish between living incompletely paralyzing fear and not having relationships as opposed to growing and taking risks. If I have offended it wasn't intentional and sometimes it is hard to communicate by words only because you aren't hearing the persons tone of voice or body language. Again it was never my intention to hurt feelings.
I was totally joking! LOL. Sorry if you thought I wasn't. I'm not really overly sensitive.
Still, totally arguing with myself about the 3rd kitten . . .
My boys are going to be named Connor and Murphy - after the Boondock Saints, which is favorite movie. I'm trying to not come up with a name for the girl yet because I still haven't convinced myself that it's a good idea to have 3 cats in a small 1 bedroom apartment . . . but she's beautiful. And I kind of already feel attached to her. I think I have a problem. I think I'm addicted to kittens. Are they any support groups for that?
Cats are so great, though. Low maintenance and good companions. Actually the female is mine and the other two are my daughter's. She is a total animal lover. She has 5 guinea pigs, Sherman, Peabody,Skunk, Casper and Mr. Sanders, oh they are great little pets, so much fun and she has a dog. I had to move to an apartment so I can only have one pet and I have to wait until Willow has her kittens before I can keep her.
The only problem with cats is if you have males and females, the males will sometimes mark because of the female. Our male cat was peeing in different spots and sometimes different cats won't use the same litter box. You just have to see how they do.
I love both - gotta rescue dog now as my AH doesn't like cats! Both bring me tons of joy!!! And - I could have been a cat lady - no issue at all....(wink, wink)
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can totally relate and 2 years ago I was going crazy in my head when I met my now boyfriend. How can I be sure I wouldn't regress to pre-program, what if this and what if that. It did make me dig into my program and learn to slow down and take things slow one step at a time. I did second and third guess myself and freak out a lot. My sponsor laughed at me a lot and helped me stick close to my program. It was good and healthy for me to see if I spent enough time working on myself to get back out there and see if I fixed my picker and myself. It worked out for me thus far and you never know unless you let yourself flow and follow your gut and listen to your red flags. Sending you love and support on this journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yeah, i can relate. Im still like, what if my disease has made us connect. If im still attracted to needy, codependant type people? But then again the whole world seems to be unhealthy mentally so the best i can do is use the evidence in front of me. He doesnt drink, he is kind and loving. I trust myself now in many ways. I would act quickly if unacceptable behaviour came to light or addiction or abuse of any kind. Its not about him in many ways its about you. Now your in alanon you know what to do if any of your fears came true. Easy
