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Right now I'm completely heartbroken. I've known that my boyfriend had a drinking problem for a long time. About 5 years ago, he lost his license for drinking and driving. I've been trying to support him and help him through it, but there are some things I won't accept and I made those clear. One of them was drinking and driving. I told him if he ever did that again, we were through. We've been a couple for just over a year now. He has a daughter. I'll call her "A." She's 3 years old and beyond precious. I love her just as much as I would if she was mine. This week was his week to have her. Tuesday, he asked if he could take me to work and keep my car so he could go to his mother's and get her bed and some other necessities. I'd just asked him to move in with me about a week ago. I've never known him to drink when he's had his daughter with him. I trusted him. So I agreed. I got off at 11pm and walked out of the building. He was standing in the parking lot next to my car with my boss and 2 other men around him - one I knew and one I didn't. I didn't realize what was going on until the guy I didn't know handed me keys. He was drunk and "A" was in the backseat. I was livid. I drove back to my apartment and told him we were done. I got "A" to sleep and then held her crying for a few hours. I feel like I almost lost her. Yesterday morning, he woke up and acted like nothing was wrong. He didn't remember it. I refreshed his memory and told him we were done. I told him he couldn't stay here anymore. He cried and apologized and begged. He was torn up over what he'd done. He adores that child. He realized what a huge mistake he had made and realized he could have hurt or killed her. He finally admitted that he is an alcoholic and he can't control his drinking. Always before, he said he had it under control. I agreed to give him another chance, but he still had to move out. We were going to take a step back. He swore that he would never touch alcohol again. I told him that if he did, we were over. There weren't going to be any more chances. I love him. With all my heart. I can't stand what he's doing to himself.
Tonight, I got off work early. I stopped and bought him an anniversary present and went to where he was staying. He was drunk. I asked him to step outside with me. He started trying to feed me some excuse about how he drank to get better. I said, "It's over," tossed the bag at him, and got in my car. He followed me to my car and grabbed the handle. I had it locked and just backed out of the driveway and drove away. He held on calling my name as long as he could. I'm sitting at home right now and I can't stop crying. Just yesterday, he swore that he was done drinking! I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I can't do this. I love him so much. But I just can't do this.
So I guess he's my ex-boyfriend now. But I still love him.
Welcome, I am so very sorry that you are living with this pain and sadness. Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease affects every family member so that alanon was founded to help the family recover from the painful affects of living with the constant insanity.
There is hope and help. Check the white pages for the hot line number.
In Al-Anon we have the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. The "it" being alcoholism or someone else's drinking. Nothing you do can make it worse - or make it better. You can only create or not create certain circumstances which may or may not allow him to start to experience the consequences of his actions, which may or sadly may not lead to increased awareness way down the line. But if there were a way to influence their drinking, someone would have found it by now.
Very often we stay around and give them chance after chance, even last chance after last chance. Sometimes we do that because we really believe they might change if given one more chance - and sometimes they even believe it too, and they can sound so convincing when they talk to us. Sometimes we give them innumerable chances because we're afraid of the pain of leaving, and because we can be addicted to them too, just as they're addicted to drink. Sometimes we just haven't set up our lives in ways that support us in our new healthy boundaries, and so we drift back to them in moments of indecision or weakness, and the whole merry-go-round starts up all over again.
The very best thing you can do for yourself, for him, and for the relationship, is to get in to your own recovery and work it hard. Part of that would be finding a face-to-face meeting where you feel really comfortable (try several if the first one is not a good fit). Getting the literature, reading the threads on these boards, learning about the tools of recovery. Alcoholism sucks everyone around it into the chaos, so we need our own recovery too. I hope you'll join us - there are miracles in store.
Hey WL - welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad you shared. I too am so sorry for the pain you are feeling - it is raw and it is real. You are not alone!
As Betty suggests, it is a disease. I am a double winner (AA & Al-Anon) and I can share from personal experience it's a huge challenge for an alcoholic to just quit cold turkey and never drink again - even when they fully understand they could loose everything and everyone. The obsession is strong enough that in the face of utter disaster, an alcoholic can still see having a drink as a rational choice. It's beyond mind-boggling and an obsession - it's a disease and a dependency.
Your qualifier (BF) will either choose to recover or he will not. He will continue on his path or not. If he decides to seek recovery, he will be welcome with open arms in AA. Even if he doesn't, you qualify for Al-Anon, and will be welcome. You will find fellowship and support from others who understand how this disease reaches well beyond the drinker.
In Al-Anon, we learn more about the disease and how it works. We also learn that the disease sucks us in and we bend our values, join in the chaos/drama unintentionally and are equally in need of a restoration to sanity/peace.
Nobody here will tell you if you are doing the right thing or not as we don't give advice. What I will share is taking a break to work on you is a great choice. I too suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting to get a feel for the program and how our side works.
You are not alone and we are all usually just a post away! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He called me last night and said he would start going to meetings and classes - whatever it takes to keep me. I feel like an idiot, but I'm going to give him that chance. If he's actually going to work on it, I'm going to support him.
We hope very much that he finds recovery. Sometimes A's promise the moon to keep us from leaving, and are just hoping to reel us back in. Many times they sincerely intend to quit drinking and their promises are sincere. The danger is that it is hard to get our minds around how powerful addiction really is. Like when you are determined to lose 15 pounds and stay away from the doughnuts? And the determination holds good for a bit - and then those doughtnuts... Imagine an addiction much more powerful than that. So it is actions and not words that really reveal whether a person is determined to stay the course.
One thing is that there is no compulsion to commit or uncommit for all time right now. You can wait and see how his recovery goes. You can stay separated for two weeks, a month, six months, or however long until it is clear his recovery is strong and he is headed in the right direction. Healthy A's who are working their program do not go and get involved with someone else at at the drop of a hat. Indeed, it's recommended that they not start new romantic relationships in the first year. So you have the time to see whether he's getting healthy and able to treat you in a healthy way.
WL - that sounds totally awesome! I am one who supports recovery big time for all involved. If he goes with an open mind and puts his recovery first in his life, he can recovery. This goes for you as well - if you put yourself first and keep that focus on you, you too can find peace/serenity.
Both sides of the program suggest staying in the present - living life one day at a time. If we can stay in the now, it's much easier to deal and heal. There is no need for today to worry about weeks or beyond for now - just today.
I will keep you post in my prayers and am sending positive thoughts your way. (((Hugs))) to you both!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I've made a decision. And now that I have, I feel more at peace. I'm going to stay with him and support him as long as he is actively working on it. As long as he goes to meetings and classes, I will be with him. But I won't let him move back in.
I want to go to alanon, but the only meeting around here is Sunday at 5pm and I work every Sunday from 1-9. But I am going to talk to my boss about taking an extended lunch and try to find a way to make this work.
I hurt more when I was trying to break it off with him than I ever did because of his drinking. Honestly, I think I'm lucky in a way. He doesn't get mean or nasty when he drinks. He just talks and rambles and gets a bit annoying, but he also gets extra snuggly. He's really good to me and makes me feel special. He makes me feel loved and valued. I've read so many stories of alcoholics treating their SO's badly, taking things out on them, getting angry. He doesn't do any of that. I've been through hell. Several months before I started my bf, I escaped a very abusive relationship. I was fully controlled and beat and he nearly killed me. I lived in a DV shelter until my mom was able to buy me a plane ticket home. I came back with nothing but a suitcase of clothes. It took me about a year, but I got a job and my own apartment and I bought and licensed a car. I became completely self sufficient. I rebuilt my life. My bf supported me through all of it. I still have nightmares. He wakes me up from them and holds me until I stop crying. The only time I have ever seen him angry was when I told him the entire story of my ex. And he wasn't angry at me. He isn't controlling or jealous. He doesn't push me to make decisions that I'm not ready for. When he moved in with me, he made sure to tell me that it was still MY place and he wasn't going to try to make any decisions for me. That meant a lot to me. We were friends for 10 years before we started dating. I knew that he had a drinking problem when I agreed to go out with him, but I learned that it's a bit worse than I thought. Still, I fell in love with him a long time ago. And we're really good together. He's made a lot of improvements in the last year since we started dating. He got a job and he slowed down with his drinking. He stopped going on 3 day binges. I'm proud of what he's already accomplished and I would have been ok with things going the way they have been going until he drove drunk and endangered that baby. That was his wake up call. That's what made him realize that he truly needed to change. She is his world and realizing what he could have done - it hit him hard. He's ready to change. I'm sure of it. I understand that he might slip up. I had a long talk with him today. I told him that I felt like I was putting too much pressure on him by expecting him to never drink again. I told him that as long as he works on it and is honest with me about his slipups, I'll stay with him. I'm actually feeling a lot more secure. I accept that this is going to a long, difficult road. But he's worth it.
