The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays c2c reading speaks of the confusion and resistance many of us feel when we arrive at al-anon and are told to "keep the focus on ourselves". Many of us reject this notion because it sounds so foreign, selfish and similar to the way our qualifiers behave so, why would we ever want to be like that? The writer recalls wanting to only do loving, kind actions and then not understanding why they felt resentful afterwards.
The reading interestingly points out that their efforts to be selfless and please everyone else didn't "work" because what they were focused on was the other persons RESPONSE and not on what was the RIGHT THING TO DO. They point out that this is not unconditional giving and that by thinking of oneself and then giving when it actualy felt right, one could be truly generous.
The reading reminds us that al-anon works when we keep the focus on ourselves, attend meetings and make recovery top priority. As we "become' ourselves, we have more love and respect to show to others.
The quote is from 'the 12 steps and traditions' 'We are best able to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity".
***
This reading gets me thinking about the way I used to 'give until I had nothing left"- if you had told me I wasn't selfless or that I gave because I "wanted something in return" i would have been horrified. In fact many arguments with my qualifiers, particularly ex-husband and Abf, were about this exact thing....my exH would argue, always, that "no-one does anything except for personal gain" and that 'any acts of kindness are simply to achieve some kind of reward from God and people are delusional if they don't see that". This fueled my drive even further to prove i was in fact giving and selfless. I was so determined to prove how generous i was that i couldn't see the simple point this reading makes...that I was focused on the reaction and not the act itself (thus giving merit to ex H's position, which really smarts, lol!!)
Funny because I was involved in a discussion the other day where members of a group were complaining about how 'you try to help and people are always so ungrateful" and I was thinking to myself how much better it is now to give with no expectation of reward or return, and just the hope that the act will be of the greatest benefit to everyone involved (including me). And it usually is now because just the act of giving without expectation is spiritually rewarding- my old style of giving was more like compulsive gambling lol....waiting with bated breath and when there is no pay-off, try again....
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 30th of March 2016 04:11:57 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Howdy MissMel - thanks for your service and the daily! I read the page this morning and then was blessed enough to read it again at my F2F meeting. It hits home for me as I do remember when I got here thinking how selfish I would be viewed if I put me first and was concerned with my needs. It was so foreign and seemed so different than how I had been and survived for as long as I could remember.
I also related big time to this reading as I did do everything expecting others to be grateful for my 'service'. When they did not acknowledge and/or when they didn't notice, I would get resentments. It's as if I kept a tally in my brain, "You owe me...."
I learned in the program that if my motives weren't pure, it was not service work. My actions were either enabling or controlling, and neither worked well for serenity/joy. It took a ton of listening and practice to put me first, set boundaries and understand what service work really was. I am grateful my distorted/crazy thinking has been shifted with the Al-Anon program, tools, steps and sponsor!!
(((Hugs))) to you and to all at MIP - very glad you all are on this journey with me!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the important reading Ms.M.
I love that thought that by working this program I am "becoming". It is refreshing to be a work in progress as long as what I am becoming, is positive and courageous. Thanks for your service
I was so determined to prove how generous i was that i couldn't see the simple point this reading makes...that I was focused on the reaction and not the act itself (thus giving merit to ex H's position, which really smarts, lol!!)