The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In a friend's husband who is in recovery. Who is a "success story", sober, clean, etc.
The enabling didn't come in the form of offering a drink or calling in sick for him. She in fact didn't even do the enabling.
A medical professional she trusts and he does to did it. Not with intent to enable and in all honestly; no one really realized what it was until we all stopped and processed what he did.
He enabled a person who struggles to face his own problems an temporary "out" in order to not have to deal. The intent was pure and by all means "helpful" but my friends husband; failed at his job and so he was given an "out" not to have to work for an undisclosed amount of time.
The "out" of not having to work and feel the ups and down of failure and success is just like when an alcoholic seeks out a drink to not have to deal with the ups and downs of their own life. Maybe some don't see it as that. Maybe it's just how her and I look at it as we both have deal with a significant other that uses something else to "escape" reality while we are left to process and deal with what life gives us withouth using an "out" or escape.
So in a way; there will always be someone that enables the alcoholic...someone that maybe doesn't have the whole picture.
We can't control it. We can only make choices for what we can do given the choices the alcoholic makes.
It just was an interesting aha for her and I today. And a realization that sober or active; this disease is will always be present.
Your example Crau is interesting-- I know that before program I was in denial and never wanted to feel my feelings either . Focusing on others,judging them, blaming them helped me to feel as if I was perfect and knew it all. We have the same disease and must keep the focus on ourselves to recover.
I know there are no hard and fast rules regarding alcoholism and a recovered alcoholic --many live alone and attend meetings. I believe that speculating on this "truth " is not proactive to my recovery.and takes the focus off me and again has me pointing at others. Alanon tools such as meetings, sponsor and working the Steps will give me a better understanding of my role in the relationship and how to change it .
I worked for a large company once upon a time. If an employee was struggling with anything, not even substance related, they had an on-sight Psychologist who could and would write up a 'mental health break' note. They did this as they would rather an employee take a break, and try to heal/deal with the hopes they would return and function.....I did finance/budgets and it was estimated to cost almost 6 months worth of salary to train someone. If they could give an employee a break for 1-2 months to collect/regroup, it was a cost savings.
To me, this is not enabling. This is good business. It just happens to be that this man is a alcoholic in recovery.
To your original point. I think that EVERYONE can have an enabler in their lives. Each of us has exploited someone for something at some time. The other person, whether it was a kind word, a complement, loan of money or item, etc. was the enabler. Enablers exist in this world well beyond alcoholics/addicts. If I were to guess, I'd think there are more enablers than there are substance abusers. That's just my thoughts on it.
I was conning people for many things well before I ever had any mind altering substances. My grandchild at the age of 2.5 already understands if he throws a fit, someone will give in. Keeping in mind that I view enabling as doing for another what they could do for themselves....
Good topic, just not specific to alcoholics or recovery - it's every where!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We seem to be forgetting here that alcoholism is a chronic. progressive, fatal disease that can me arrested but never cured.
Keeping the focus on ourselves is what aids our recovery and that is our primary goal.
we can always focus on ourselves and make the choices we need to make for us. However; there will always be someone that makes a choice that impacts our life regardless of how we choose to respond. We have children to care for, jobs to go to, lives to live that involve interacting with people. My point is that enabling is all around and regardless of if we stop our own enabling with the alchoholic in our life; someone is some form will be the "enabler" to whatever the underlying issue may be. It was my point that this disease works is mysterious ways and is always present. I also think my biggest point was that today was day that I saw the disease for what it was minus the alcohol through my friends perspective. I saw how she responded and then because she asked; I was able to coach her through the scenerio. Her gut was to control but she talked herself out of it. Her instinct was to let go and let go but her kids and their finances were in her forefront. Gaining her perspective allowed me to process what I would do if I were her but let her do what she needed to do for herself. Today was a day I saw the disease and Al Anon test each of our sanity. We both questioned the disease and we both questioned our own place in the program. I think; that's a good thing--although it's a place of discomfort I'm sure for many.
acknowledging others perspectives is just as powerful; if not more; as acknowledging my own. I can keep the focus on me hands down; but if I want to be someone that can succeed in friendships, relationships, work partnerships; I need to be able to know what each brings to the table. Only then will I be able to better understand the relationship and if it's something that I can learn and grown from; or if I will fall back into that enabling roll.
I am right to feel the struggle within myself between what is true and what is false. These are my feelings to own; regardless of if others agree or not. I am not right to make others feel the way that I do because of how I believe. I listen to seek to first to understand rather than be understood (Steven Covey-7Habbits of Highly Effective People)
Remembering that each of us comes to this board at a different place with a different experience and different perspective is truly helping us keep the focus on us. Keep up the great discussion!
-- Edited by Crau on Tuesday 29th of March 2016 11:15:04 PM
