The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since AH "fell love with another woman", he moved out and has been living with a friend and his wife, rent-free. He has filed for divorce, and we are in the 90-day waiting period before it is finalized. He was a dry drunk, and I have no idea if he is drinking now - it's irrelevant.
He is so full of anger, and even though I know it is not me, much of his anger is directed at me.
He now is saying that since I have been able to save up some funds since the separation, and have begun a minimum wage job, he should get more. (He was fired from his job as a pastor because of the affair - and says it's all my fault). Until the house is sold and the divorce is finalized, we have to work out expenses every month.
How do I negotiate with him? He is barely reasonable, and his emails are threatening - "If you don't....I will take over the entire bank account" "If you don't....I will dump it at your front door" etc.
I try, so hard, to keep the interactions simple and to the point. But since we do have to communicate (via my sister, an accountant), I am drawn in to his drama. I am able to detach much better when he is out of town on one of his many trips. But every time I see his car drive up, my heart drops, and my anxiety goes sky-high. Yes, I go to meetings, and yes, they help. But I am a mess, albeit a strong one!
(((Rosemeyer)))You certainly do sound strong and as if you are working a great program. Good Work
If you have a lawyer , I would simply say: I do understand that making a budget that we can both live with is important. I honestly cannot discus this with you or make any decision right now so I will talk to my attorney or accountant and have them get back to you.
Not engaging in the insanity is important. Reciting the serenity prayer helps as well.
I went through a similar situation and a great member of this board told me to just start saying no... I did and it got worse for awhile however now it is delightfully pleasant as I don't interact at all. (((Hugs)))...great advice on the 3rd party ... I do that as well.
I had a good lawyer watch my back, my ex stated
We could do it ourselves and save money. He would
Be fair and there was also a third party.
I could not think Or make rational decisions. It was
an intense time, I made it thru, kept my sanity and
stood my Ground. I was very grateful for My time in
Alanon so i could cope.
When things were high emotion with my ex, I made sure that I did all the negotiating through email. I just said, "I can't talk about this face to face, I'll email you." Sometimes I had to say it many times. Because of course he wanted to bait me. But using email meant that I could look over the email before I sent it and make sure I was saying the right thing and saying it without any emotion ("Just the facts, ma'am."). When he saw that there was less drama by email, he preferred that too, though I know some A's are all about the drama. When things finally had to be decided for good we used a mediator provided by the court. They get one person's side and then go to the other person and get their view, and get to a compromise that way - you don't have any direct contact with the other party at all. That took the drama out of that situation too, which was a blessing.
I would print off the emails for a lawyer or judge to see. Our courthouse offered mediation and that helped when we had a middle party to help me not face my exAH alone. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you all for your support. I turned it over to my HP. And my sister stepped in to negotiate directly with him - No coincidence!
All quiet for now, as he is out of town again. Gives me time to find that elusive Serenity thing - I know I left it here somewhere....
House is on the market - and, when I looked at the images in the listing, I realized a big change Alanon has made in my life. Instead of grieving the loss of this house that I love, I am able to see it as the biggest art project I've ever tackled! Of course there will be sadness in the loss, but joy in knowing I am passing on a place of beauty to someone else.
